Married, Gay - coming out seems impossible

Max, I'm so happy you took the time to read my posts. If I can make a difference for anyone, it makes my journey worthwhile. All the questions you (and Tom) pose are the same ones I had. Communication and counseling (alone and together) are key. Your idea of a letter is good. I wrote one, but in the end decided to tell my close friends and relatives face-to-face. They really respected me for going to them and doing it that way. In the first 2 or 3, I was a sobbing mess, but then it got easier. To the really important ones, I gave a copy of my letter to read when they wanted.

Best of luck and please keep us posted on how it's going. It's amazing how much the EC community cares! (&&&)

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Hey Max,
Firstly, I'd like to say it is good to 'talk' to you.

There is such a jumble of thoughts, feelings and anxieties running round my head, it is hard to sit in front of the keyboard and make sense....

What outcome do I want? Good question - I really should know the answer to that. My situation is perhaps coloured by the fact that our life has gone through a major upheaval in the last few years - long story, but basically involves the collapse of our company and relocating to another country. So there has been a lot of stress, loss of trust and almost the end of the relationship - more than once - over this time. We have both worked very hard though at keeping the relationship going, all of which I think adds to my confusion over where I want to be.

I have never had a relationship or sex with a man, but have no doubt it is something I want or need, to try. From what you have said though, it seems your sexual encounters have not been enough to satisfy this need - it has to be more and I feel that it is a deep level need to be loved, not just the sex. I often feel I am not properly at ease or relaxed in my wife's company - it is so familiar though it's hard to be sure - and I have a gut feeling that it would be different with a man. It feels sometimes like I'm just in wrong place, but don't know why.

My wife did know about my mixed feelings about sexuality when we first met, but I believe she sees it as 'fixed'. I don't think it is possible to predict how they would react to us coming out and it is probably an insult to pre-judge them. Every person and situation is different and we will just have to deal with it as it comes - if it comes...

My father is also still alive - he's 92, so I hope I have some of his genes! We don't really communicate though, he never did approve of my choice for a wife and has stuck with that view. Won't even acknowledge that he has grandchildren, which is kind of sad.

Sorry if that is a lot of rambling and not much help - I need to try and get some quiet time with no risk of interruptions to think this through better....

Tom

 

Maxx

It's interesting how close my story is to yours.

I have just turned 51 and work in a large gay friendly city in the UK, some distance from my home. I commute on a weekly basis. I have always been attracted to men but didn't really discover it until I got access to the internet when I was 38. A whole new world opened up before my eyes! At first I chatted to gay guys in other countries. Then I moved to gay guys in the UK, but at the other end of the country. Finally I got nearer to home until I met my first man for sex. He was 21 and I was 39. I found it very difficult as I was plagued with guilt, but it didn't stop me from meeting other men. My wife found out about a few of my meetings by checking my mobile phone and the computer. We separated when I was about 40 and then got back together again. Over the last ten or so years we have seperated and got back together a few times. I started to become distant when I reached 50 years old and we finally seperated in January this year, but which time our sex life had become non existant and this has caused her a major problem. The last few months have been the hardest and lonliest of my life. I miss her so much and I hate that I have hurt her so badly. We have just past our 26th wedding anniversary.

There have been angry emails and phone calls - her anger and my acceptance of it. She continues to tell me that she has done nothing wrong and blames me for everything. A few weeks ago we started to divide our assets and started packing up our house. This has caused me even more pain as I just love my house so much. I feel that things are out of my control at the moment, but am becoming resigned to the fact that splitting up is probably the fairest thing for her. Today she told me that the only thing she has done wrong is to love me too much.

I still have trouble accepting the fact that I am gay. I know that I am attracted to men and that women do not turn me on. However, I am not comfortable with it and don't want to be gay. I want to be straight and still with my wife. It is a major turmoil for me. I also hate her being angry and will do anything to avoid confrontation.

My counsellor thinks that I am depressed and wants me to see a doctor. This week I spoke to him about how I felt it would be better of I wasn't here. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to do anything foolish, but just feel that no matter what direction my life goes in from here, I end up losing out.

The other issue I have is that I have never been so unwell as I have in the last two or three months. Perhaps this is an indication of being run down.

I also hate feeling constantly sorry for myself but seem unable to shake off the self pity. My friends are being very supportive but my wife hates the fact that my counsellor is gay and that I get support from a group of gay ex married men.

I wish everybody who has posted on this thread the greatest of luck.

 

Maxx

Thank you so much for your reply and your encouraging words. It is a roller coaster annd full of emotion and tears. I continually feel guilt about the pain I have caused my wife and how I have wasted so many years of her life. I also feel grief for my marriage. I still love my wife and can't stop doing that. I am not comfortable with being gay and so want to be straight. My wife's anger is often too much for me and I am always submissive in my rows with her. The freedom that I thought I would feel hasn't yet come. Instead I just feel full of self pity and am probably annoying my friends.

I am not with anybody at the moment as I'm not feeling like I can offer a relationship the attention that it needs yet. You are right, guys can be very sexy. Perhaps I should start looking for that 21 year old!!

I did meet a gay couple from SF and did talk to them about gay life in your area. I have also been to SF many years ago and love the city!

Take care Maxx and everybody else and if I can do this, I'm sure you can too.

Steve

 

Hi, Steve! You know, I think that feeling guilty about a divorce would be a natural response no matter what the circumstances. I did not come from a traditional background myself, but wanted to create that sense of family with my husband. In my mind I wanted to be this perfect little housewife and be a caretaker, I guess sort of like a Madonna figure. Having that fantasy shattered has been heartbreaking for me.

What I had come to realize, though, is that it would have been far more cruel for me to stay in the relationship. I never deceived my husband by pretending to be straight; I always just thought I was kind of weird, I didn't see that I was gay. I never did anything to intentionally hurt my husband, either. It would have been deceitful, however, if I had stayed in the marriage after learning more about myself. It would have been cruel to rob him of HIS sexuality since I was an unwilling sex partner. He deserved to have a woman who loved him in every way. As much as I do love him, my love is limited. I knew that I could never really be a wife to him.

So filing for divorce I think was the most responsible and ethical thing to do. I like that thought about considering my husband's sexuality and not just mine. Just like I deserve to be the person I am, he also deserves to live his life fully as a straight man. By staying I was saying that I was willing to forget about my sexuality and just go through the motions, but would that really be fair to my husband? I mean, how could I make a decision like that about our lives without consulting him? I'm not an asshole for being gay but I would have been had I further made his life miserable by not telling him the truth, or at least ending the hell that I was putting him through.

Anyway, this whole thing kinda sucks but I'll get over it. I grew up with an alcoholic father, have been raped and gone though all kinds of other shit. I'm sure at some point I'll more fully accept being gay and will get on with life. I'm looking forward to that.

 

I couldn't have said this better!! :eusa_clap It's exactly the conclusion I came to with respect to my ex-wife. When our sex was good, she LOOOOOOOOVED it!! It just wasn't good very often - especially the past few years. On a sexual level, she deserves to fully live that aspect of her life. I was robbing her of it. On a relationship level, I couldn't be there for her fully either. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but now she's free to find someone who can give her the life (sexually and emotionally) that she deserves. And so am I. Right now she doesn't feel that way, but I hope she gets there. Moving on is sometimes devastating, but it's temporary - and just.

 

This is basically what I think. If you don't come out to your wife, you are unilaterally making decisions that affect both of you--and she is supposed to be your full partner in decisions.

 

I agree with you about being fair to my wife and allowing her to live a fulfilling life. That is the main reason why I am doing what I'm doing. She remains angry and blaming me for everything that is going wrong in the world and I do understand that but still find it hard to deal with. I know deep down who I am but have huge difficulties in accepting it. I wish I could find something on the internet or in a book or with my counsellor which would cause me to have that eureka moment and allow me to accept it. Grieving for my marriage is just something I need to come to terms with in time.

We all seem to be having a tough time in similar ways. Hopefully the pain will stop for us all soon!

Sx

 

Hi Maxx! There are a few questions that you need to be truthful about with yourself in this matter. These are questions that any counselor would have you ask yourself. First: what are your expectations? In other words, what do you hope to gain from coming out? Another, probably the most important is: if you do come out, what is the worst thing that could happen? Give this one some careful thought. What is the WOST possible thing that could happen? Be honest and logical. Would anyone die? I doubt that. Could you lose some friends, most likely you will. Can you live without those people? Yes, absolutely you can. You need to be very honest with yourself about that one and think it through. This is a great way to prepare yourself for the results. Also, you’ll find that the worst that can happen is not really all that bad. And lastly you need to consider, and this is a little different than the first one, what will life be like after coming out.

The reason I suggest this is that the whole thing probably seems so overwhelming to you that it has probably become mind boggling. Stop and put things into perspective. Take one step at a time and it won’t be so overpowering that you don’t know where to begin.

Two things to keep in mind through all of this: right now you are lying to a lot of people. Don’t they deserve the truth? AND, this is a big one, don’t under-estimate your friends intelligence and intuitions. You’ll be surprised at how many already know.

I can only speak for myself: not immediately, but soon after coming out life suddenly seemed so easy to me. Once you get past that initial hardship, and let’s be honest, it is not easy, it does take some work and there will be stress, but once you get past that, you will ask yourself time and time again, DAMN, why didn’t I take care of that sooner? You will begin living your life, not someone else’s expectations. Life is beautiful; you deserve to know that beauty firsthand.

 

Max,

Your inner search is the one you need to be on now. Work with your counselor to sort it all out.

A few books I'd recommend - go online to read reviews:

Finally Out by Loren Olson, MD - Dr. Olson is a psychiatrist who came out at age 40 after being married and having kids.

Stranger at the Gate by Mel White - Mel was a ghost writer for the likes of Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell before coming out and combating the anti-gay rhetoric or their messages. He was also married to a woman, but now to a man.

10 Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love by Joe Kort - Joe is a gay psychotherapist who specializes in helping gay men become the men they were born to be. This book was highly recommended by EC's own Chip. I'm about half-way through it. I have yet to read the chapter devoted to gay men is straight marriages, but Chip's word is good enough for me!

One step at a time.

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Maxx

Your last comment is very interesting to me. I too am a pleaser. I have always been surrounded by strong minded women - my mother and my wife. I think I felt that this is part of my problem. I did what I thought was expected of me; I fell in love with a woman and I married her.

You are right about me too. I am having huge issues accepting being gay. I will have a look at those books when I get out of hospital!

Good luck with your counselling.

Sx

 

Excellent post, thank you. I agree about shame being the reason. For me it's the shame of who I am that I struggle with.

 

Ditto - thanks for all that Chip. And yes, I too can relate to the blame issue. Feeling responsible for someone else's happiness is perhaps a common trait for us married gay men..... (Point noted about starting our own threads too.)

Steve - hang in there mate.

And Max, I enjoy reading your posts. Your thoughts and replies are always well put. I understand your worry about the impact on your wife. Same here. But I've been thinking that they made a commitment to us too, right? Our feelings and happiness is important too. And I know you said in your first post that there was no sex life in your marriage now, so your wife must be aware that something is not right. And maybe causes her some stress too? Sorry - amateur psychologist at work....

Tom