I might be a lesbian or bisexual and I am married to my husband of 13 years and have children and do not know how to navigate this. Before meeting him I had a huge crush on this girl who happened to be a lesbian. I had crushes before but always thought it was just a “friend” crush but the last one made me really question my sexuality and then I met my now husband and sort of pushed all these feelings away. These feelings and same sex attractions started to surface again and have been going on for about year now. I find myself attracted to certain women that give me those butterflies that I don’t think I really felt before, to that degree, with a guy before. I am aroused when I read or watch shows//movies with lesbian romance. Once I experienced feeling aroused from lesbian literature or scenes I realized I had never really felt aroused from watching or reading heterosexual romance scenes. I am not interested in being physically intimate with my husband but I am also not feeling as emotionally connected with him so there are a lot of challenging layers there. I have never kissed a girl or explored this questioning and not sure how to go about this while married. I picture myself with women and like the idea of being with a woman but not sure if this is just a strong curiosity or if it’s something else.
Sexuality is complicated. To me, the bigger problem right now is that you are unhappy with your husband. It will be very hard to determine if you like men when you are not happy with the person you are currently with who happens to be male. It sounds like you at the very least you want to try to be with a woman because you feel it will make you happier. If that is what you want, you should do it. I would honestly worry about your sexuality later. You want women right now and your unsatisfied in your marriage. That is enough reason to move on and do what you need to do. Were you ever attracted to your husband? Or do you view him more as a friend?
If we didn’t have children it would be easier for me to consider leaving my husband. I have questioned my attraction toward him. It’s difficult right now because I am not feeling happy with our relationship. When I look back on our 13 years together I believe I was attracted to him when I met him and believe I connected with him emotionally and physically but I have to wonder if it was something about his energy that I was attracted to and not just being attracted to him as a guy. Before him I would date guys and think I’m attracted to them but being intimate with them never felt right. But I just assumed it was because they were not the right ones for me. With my husband after about a year into the relationship I think I started to not feel as connected and didn’t feel the desire to be physical with him but our lives were already so intertwined that it was difficult to realize this at the time. We have 3 kids from the last 7 years and I just thought I didn’t want to be with him sexually because I was tired, nursing etc... but now our youngest is 3 so I don’t have the same physical demands on my body that I had the last 7 years and starting to see things a little more clearly. We started going to couples counseling a few months ago to address my feelings of not feeling emotionally connected and he has been trying do things to work on our connection but I’m still not feeling it. I don’t want to do anything impulsive and if there is a way to be happy with him then that would be great since we have a family together. I try not to think about figuring out if I have other sexual preferences but I keep being drawn to thinking about women especially when I find myself attracted to someone. I just am not sure if this is me as a straight girl feeling curious or if there is a reason I am attracted to and aroused by the thought of other women and if I wasn’t married would have no problem exploring these feelings and feel limited because I can’t explore this while with him. QUOTE="Love4Ever, post: 6624689, member: 93478"]Sexuality is complicated. To me, the bigger problem right now is that you are unhappy with your husband. It will be very hard to determine if you like men when you are not happy with the person you are currently with who happens to be male. It sounds like you at the very least you want to try to be with a woman because you feel it will make you happier. If that is what you want, you should do it. I would honestly worry about your sexuality later. You want women right now and your unsatisfied in your marriage. That is enough reason to move on and do what you need to do. Were you ever attracted to your husband? Or do you view him more as a friend?[/QUOTE]
I understand. I see now this is much more complicated. I understand the pressure of wanting to stay for you children's sake. But you also should think about what makes you happy. Would your husband be open to your feelings? Have you ever tried talking to him about them?
I think it's probably safe to say you're not straight. You could be bi. But a straight woman wouldn't be so interested in other women.
I have not shared these feelings and questions about my sexual orientation with him. I know I should but I think I’m nervous to share these feelings because I already don’t feel emotionally supported by him in general. My hopes with couples counseling is that we either find a way to connect and be happy or give us a way to respectfully part ways so we can both be positive parents for the kids. I just know this is not going to be a short journey and I am being patient but it’s difficult at times.
Good to know. Thank you. It’s not exactly a question Infeel comfortable asking friends right now and it’s reassuring to hear this. I don’t need to define my feelings but it helps to understand if what I’m feeling is curiosity or more. I feel like my marriage put my personal life on pause for so many years and I’m waking up again QUOTE="Love4Ever, post: 6624715, member: 93478"]I think it's probably safe to say you're not straight. You could be bi. But a straight woman wouldn't be so interested in other women.[/QUOTE]
I get being nervous. Revealing a part of yourself you spent so long trying to hide is not easy or fun. But you might be surprised by his reaction. He might be understanding if you tell him what's going on and you might be able to figure out something that works for you. An important thing to consider is, if you did not have kids, would you stay with him?
If we did not have kids then no I wouldn’t stay with him. If he told me he wanted to separate it would be heart breaking but also a feeling of relief. Because he is the father of my kids it’s inportant to me that I see if there is anyway I can find happiness with him and if not then we go through this journey with respect. I started the couples counseling so we can work on the other challenges in our relationship not related to my sexual orientation. The thought of not having the children with me if we separate and having to share custody is what keeps me from moving forward and talking to him. I have been making movement but it is and will continue to be a slow process but I feel it needs to be carefully addressed since there are children. I know I need to be honest with him and I’m trying to get to a place where I feel I can be. Joking this group today is one of those things I’m hoping will help give me the motivation and clarity to keep making that movement in the most authentic direction.
That's great that you are working to make things better for yourself. You deserve it. I think you are very self aware and that's good. I can imagine this is extremely difficult and you sound like a great mother being so caring of your children. But I do think it is good you have recognized that were it not for them, you would probably have left. There are families with stories like yours in which the parents part amicably and still raise the children together, so don't lose hope.
I’m a guy but I’m exact same situation. Big question I have is do I keep quiet and carefully find someone to experiment to confirm things as in yes or no? So hard and confusing.
You are definitely not straight, I think you should ask your husband for a threesome with another women , experiment that way, be sure about yourself before ending your relationship or digging yourself in a whole. I was in your shoes but didn't kids and I knew for a fact I was definitely not straight. But I was more attracted to women. I was more selfish because I didn't have kids. I will tell you one thing, when you live your life based on your happiness you will feel like a new person. I personally think you need to make sure you are 100% percent sure about your sexuality. I for one dated I
Figure out your sexuality first, see if your wife is willing to spice up her sex .. threesome.. swingers party, you should experiment that way, be honest with her about you having feelings for men. Cheating will hurt even more.
I don’t have any interest in a threesome. I’m not connecting with my husband right now and don’t feel like that would be helpful. Regardless of my sexual orientation something doesn’t feel right in my current relationship that I need to work through and the sexual orientation is just one more layer. If we had a super positive happy relationship then perhaps I could explore an open relationship but we are not there. It does make me nervous to potentially walk away from my marriage without knowing for sure about my sexuality so as of now I am doing couples counseling to see if we can figure this out...although I haven’t told him about this yet.
You should do what you need to do. If walking away is what you need to do, while still keeping things amicable for your children then you should. If your marriage is no longer fulfilling, then I think you're making the right choice to leave.
Yes definitely let us know if counseling improved your relationship, you might just need to be with a women if your husband doesn't accept being in a open relationship. Some people don't find out their sexual orientation until later in life.
