Married and on the Brink of Coming Out - Advice

Jim1454 · Feb 1, 2013

Maelstrom, Congratulations for finding the courage to come out to your wife. I didn't have to disclose any details - she didn't ask me to. I'm not sure it's really necessary - but if she asked it's good that you were honest.

Give it some time to sink in. Her original position was perhaps not what she'll ultimately want to do. I'm not sure why she'd want to maintain a marriage that wasn't a true union. Hopefully she'll come around to the idea of counselling - I think it's critical for the two of you to maintain a healthy relationship through this crisis.

ChandlerCurious said: ↑

The post by Jim1454 also struck a chord with me because of what he said about his ex coming to his wedding. That is amazing. I want my ex to truly be happy and the problem is that any relationship she has is strained because naturally another man does not like the close relationship that her and I have. So maybe if I am true to myself everyone can be happy as there would no longer be any jealousy of our relationship. But that is obviously easier said then done...hence one of the many reasons I have joined EC!
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Coming out won't necessarily correct that situation. I'm out - obviously. Any apparently her new husband wasn't keen on inviting us to their wedding, and when invited he wasn't planning on attending ours. He has a real hang up with me, even though he knows I'm gay. He is of the mind that divorced people are supposed to hate each other, and the fact that my ex and I get along so well is still threatening to him - even though I'm gay.

Maelstrom67 · Feb 5, 2013

Hey guys, just an update. Things have gotten a lot better, lots of communication, my wife and I love each other, we have a 17 year history, I'm still not ready to come out to the world, I can't imagine putting my kids through a divorce and it would be financially disastrous for me to move out so the best option at this point is to stay married. My wife has been very accepting which has only caused my love for her to deepen. Our sex life is rekindling, I have heard there is sometimes a "honeymoon" after one spouse comes out and I expect that's what this is. I have told her I cannot suppress who I am and she is willing to let me see men on the side. I have a few, regular, closeted, married "buds" who I see from time to time and she is fine with that. I can't believe what I have been sharing with my wife regarding my "other life." She wanted to see my on-line profile on *** and actually I showed it to her....totally blows my mind and something completely unthinkable just two weeks ago. Before we fully re-engage sexually I am getting a complete STD screen (I fully expect it to be clear) and we are seeing a counselor to help us navigate the open relationship thing.

I feel so much better about myself and my outlook on the world has improved greatly. It's really amazing. I don't know if this open relationship thing is going to work out, she may not actually be able to live with it and it may not turn out to be enough for me....from what I hear the odds are against us but it is something we need to try. If nothing else it will give us a "breather" between my coming out and wherever we end up. If it works for us, great, if not at least we gave it a try. Wherever the future leads it is going to be a better place for me than the past.

Thank you for all of your comments and support, this would have been so much harder without all of the encouragement I have received on this site. I will keep you posted on how things go.

SaleGayGuy · Feb 5, 2013

Hi Maelstrom67

It’s good to see you back on the air; I was getting a bit concerned. I am so happy for you both that you are able to discuss calmly your issues and your wife is at least understanding of your needs and permits limited contact with other guys.

I am really surprised you have come so far in such a short space of time and it gives me hope for when I eventually come out to my wife. It will be interesting to follow your progress with an open marriage; I read somewhere that something like 30% do succeed so I keep my fingers crossed for you and your wife.

Have you shown her this web site?

All the best to you both Sale Gay Guy

TAXODIUM · Dec 25, 2015

Maelstrom67 said: ↑

Well I did it, I came out to my wife last night. I never expected this would be a walk in the park but it is much harder than I thought it would be, I feel awful.

She was absolutely shocked and had no idea, which surprised me. We really haven't had sex for 10 years and there have been a few "clues" along the way that, I thought, would have made her at least a little suspicious--but she really had no idea. Could she have been in denial all these years or am I that good at deceiving people?

The fact that I had already had sex with men really hurt her and I regret having done that but there's nothing I can do to change it and I can't lie about it now. What made it most difficult was that she pushed for details about who, when, where, what acts were performed, etc. I tried to tell her it didn't matter but at the same time I wanted to be honest with her and I'm afraid I just made things worse by giving her too much information. I could tell the idea of her husband having sex with men repulsed her and the more details I gave (at her insistence) made me feel like I was twisting the knife.

She asked if I was going to continue having sex with men, I said I needed that physical connection and that I was hoping to find one guy....that made her really upset. She wanted me to promise I would never fall in love with a man but I couldn't do that. I feel so selfish, am I doing the right thing? Should I try to be gay-celibate, would I go insane, is being with a man sinful and something I shouldn't do (can you tell I was raised Catholic)?

I promised I would always be there for her and the kids physically, emotionally and financially and that they would always be my priority. She's certain I'm going to leave and that she is going to grow old by herself, lonely. I again told her I would always be there for her. I told her that she deserves to find a man who is going to love her completely and make her feel like a woman, she doesn't think that is ever going to happen for her.

I urged her to read other women's stories on-line so she would know she's not alone. I also urged counseling for both of us but she was not receptive to the idea...but she might change her mind on that. She wants me to try to keep it together, try to rekindle the passion/sex we had early on to save our marriage and she thought it existed until last night. I told her I've thought that through and I'm gay (I still have a hard time saying that), I can go through the motions but my heart will never be in it. She had a hard time with this, I feel so selfish.

She thought our marriage was a sham from the beginning but I told her it wasn't. I honestly believed, wanted to believe, the vows I made and thought I would be able to keep them but, damn this is hard.

I'm confident I will be OK but the pain I have caused my wife is breaking my heart. I still cannot imagine coming out to anybody else, ever. I keep wondering whether I did the right thing, it would have just been easier if I had stayed in the closet--even if it did destroy me. Man I wish someone would invent a straight pill so nobody has to go through this pain and anguish.
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Wow. Just. Wow. It's almost as if *I* wrote this post, word for word, down to the "straight pill." This is like reading my own screenplay.

This post is from 2013. I would love to know how this story has played out over the last couple of years.

Married and on the Brink of Coming Out - Advice

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