I'm of the opinion that a relationship is a relationship- pretty much the same things that are going to destroy a straight relationship will destroy a gay one and the same things that solidify a straight relationship will tend to solidify a gay relationship. That's because people are people. Let's face it- many straight people are complete jerks but...many gay and lesbian people are complete jerks. Many straight people are wonderful and many gay and lesbian people are wonderful. So if you get involved in a relationship that doesn't work out- take the time to examine where you might have made mistakes. Learn from your analysis but don't overlook the possibility that your partner may have been a jerk and that busting up was a good thing for you. You don't want to be in a relationship where the other person doesn't love and respect you. So if you find yourself in that position- learn from it and move on. if you're the person who didn't love and respect the other person- that thing called karma is awaiting its turn with you! You've probably heard that it takes two people to make a relationship work. Believe me- that's very true. But unfortunately it only takes one person to cause one to fail! There are two incredibly important rules for making a relationship work- 1) Find the right person 2) Be the right person. No matter how right someone seems- compatibility and shared values are cornerstones to making it work. Opposites attract but you're probably going to need to be able to communicate honestly, to be able to work through problems, to be able to work through some fairly serious differences to make it last for any length of time. That means commitment, an acceptance of differences, a willingness to make up- all with someone who is able to do the same with you. Straight couples have more role models to utilize in helping them work through things plus they often have children as an incentive for staying together. Even with those advantages- after going through all the preliminary people before getting to "I do" straight couples still divorce at a better than 50% rate. So if you're having trouble making a relationship work, don't despair. It's a tough thing to do for everybody! One sad but true fact is that the more appealing your partner is to you the more appealing they are likely to be to other people. What that means is if your partner is "prettier" than you, more intelligent than you, more popular than you- if you feel like, wow- how did I ever get so lucky to have this person as my partner- they are likely to have other people hitting on them and even if they're crazy about you- it's less likely they will be trustworthy. Am I suggesting that you "settle" for a less appealing partner- no. But I am telling you to be aware that it could be a problem at some point. All the things like honesty, good communication, respecting the other person, showing your love, being considerate come into play. But one crucial thing to remember is that the relationship won't work if your partner doesn't respect you. And to insure that- it's vital that you respect yourself. No relationship is worth keeping if your partner is dishonest, untrustworthy or constantly inconsiderate. And once your partner discovers they can treat you like crap and you'll give in to keep things alive- you're pretty much guaranteed to be treated like crap. Standing up for yourself may seem risky but the failure to do so will mean that all your relationships will be less than what you want them to be. I've been married now for 24 years (2nd marriage) and don't pretend to have all the answers but I hope there's something here that will help you. I'd like to invite other posters to express things that have and haven't worked for them personally as I know this post only skims the surface.
Tim I agreed with everything you said but this. I think this is a sad reason to deem anybody untrustworthy. If we think about this going into a relationship, its doomed from the beginning.
Hey Becky, What I was trying to say is that if you look for somebody who is gorgeous, popular or otherwise has great appeal to most everybody- rather than looking at deeper things that really count- you're more likely to be involved in a rather superficial relationship that may not have much staying power. I've read many posts on this board where I've wondered if part of the reason a relationship failed is that too much emphasis is being placed on finding a partner who looks good. I've been guilty of that in my relationships over the years- so I'm mentioning that from my own experiences. But you're right- that whole paragraph was crafted poorly. I didn't get close to saying what I meant- thanks for bringing that out. Just so you'll know- Becky invited me to this forum so you can blame her for my often long winded writing style. Becky has been a huge influence in my acceptance of gay rights and is as good a friend to gay rights as there is in this country!
Blame her??? I enjoy reading these posts, so I thank her for bringing you here hehe But yeah I can totally see what you're saying with the whole, don't just look for perfection, cos everyone else is too, thing...but i guess Im lucky cos my taste in guys is so far from centre that most of the guys I have crushes on, my friends tell me aren't hot, but Im like "who cares, they're hot to me"
Right, the look is not the important thing, and I noticed at school hot guys alway shave many peopel around today they go out with this person, tommorow is another person. Since they have many options to choose, tehy take things around for granted But there could be some exception, not all "pretty" are acting that way, right, and sometimes, they are pity, becasuse other people just coem to them because of their good aapearances or for sexual, physical needs, and I noticed most gorgous people never have a life-long relationship, maybe because o fthem, an dmaybe because of others But we have to take time to look at those hot looking people to learn more about them from teh insides, teh important thing is nto the look, but the personalities --- It's hard to find the right person, some never dose One factor taht destroy your relationship is teh jealousy, some peopel say it' sok to be jealous, and I agree, but dont let those feelings control your actions, or you are teh oen who destroy your relationship. Always trust an dbelieves, i know if you trust 100%, when something bad happen, you'll be extremely dissapointed, but you have to trust and believe to make your relationship alive. Again, if you dont trust, you'll think wrong, and even about crazy things, because your jealousy controls your imagination, an dyou'll be the one who screw up your relationship Dont be stubborned but generous, always forgive, be sorry if it's your fault, dont be ashame to say sorry, because it'll benefit you later on. And if it was nto your fault, be generous. If he/she dosent talk to you, be the 1st one to speak up And yeah, being honest is another importnat thing. But in this case, if you dont love your partner, say the truth. It's hurt to tell the truth and you dont want to hurt them, but it's better than to say you love them and try to make them happy, that's even hurt more later on, so be honest, even tho thr truth hurts. And for soem people whose relationship are not working, try to do something to make it better, or stop/pause an dthink before you keep going on, becasue the longer you stay in a not-working relationship, it sometimes may become a hateful relationsship, you'll hate each other more, so stop it before it becomes worse And another thing, love with one eye XD
The thing about if you consider your partner attractive, so many other people will too--not always true, particularly in American society, where thinness, fake tans and white women are seen as sexy (Scarlett Johanson is white and competing for the Sexiest Woman title, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie are all influencing today's teens in some way or another and they are thin and white). I like tall (6'0) fat (230 lbs) Hispanic women with cocoa skin tones. Few men that I know consider women like these attractive, and lesbians as well. So I think I'll be safe from anyone hitting on my girlfriend. I talked with my dad today about marriage and long-term relationships, and I am struggling to force myself from the Fearful Avoidant mindset that I have. I look at my parents' marriage as an example that relationships work--they have been married for twenty years and are very happy. Dad says it certainly isn't easy but it is nice, being married. My mom agrees. I know I won't be able to fully understand until I, too, am married. Hell, I need to learn how to survive conflict, and hold down a relationship longer than five months if I want to get married! I will, because I do.
Thanks for this thread. Right now my boyfriend and i have been together for over a month and there are times when I'm not sure sometimes about how good our relationship is. He's very outgoing and energetic, whereas I am shy and easily calm down. He is older and been in other relationships and this is my first boyfriend. I've come out in many ways recently. Both sexually and as a person. Still not fully comfortable with myself around other people. As time goes by, I keep hoping that one day I will understand him and myself better. Again thank you for the thread, it was what i needed!:icon_bigg
I've heard a couple of good talks recently on relationships... One comment that struck me was people too often think of divorce purely as a failure. It isn't. People grow and evolve constantly, and just because you well suited to someone 10 years ago doesn't mean you'll be well suited to them now. What is important to recognize is that you've maintained a relationhip for 10 years! That's no easy accomplishment! The way that some people divorce is another story... I'm quite proud of my wife and I, and how we've handled ourselves. Unfortunately, we're not the norm. The other thing I've learned recently I've posted in another thread. It's about the 3 key components of a healthy relationship, and how they all have to be present and fairly well balanced for the relationship to work. Passion (Lovers) Intimacy (Friends) Commitment (Companions) If these three things aren't there, then you've got a problem. When I think about the relationship that I have with my new friend, we're building on all three of these pillars. It's quite amazing really. (OK, ok, I'll stop going on and on about how happy I am to have him in my life! )
Jim, I'm so happy that you are happy! I have never believed divorce should be called a "failed marriage" either. That is so stupid! Every person that comes into our lives makes us grow and learn. We become the people that we are because of those experiences and those people!
