Hi Everyone, I haven't been on in a while but wanted to jump back on to get some peer support and advice. I have made some progress. I have come out to a lot more people (well a lot to me, still small number but growing). I have been more accepting of my male to male attractions and have given myself a break for being attracted to same gender. Dating has not really gone well but it's partly due to meeting guys in clubs and bars which just never works out for me...ding ding ding. I think I am finally accepting that. I stop beating myself up for going to gay bar and clubs and i have not really enjoyed them for many years now but i think my "phase" is finally over and I'm really wanting to engage in more healthy scenes where gay men may be. Here's where I am stalled. I am still really scared of having sex with a guy and opening myself up to being vulnerable. After many failed starts and stops from the bar and club world, i kinda feel like I'm always dumped pretty quickly since I am not putting out. I tried online dating but it just is really bad for me because the chemistry just is not there when you finally meet the person. I like more in person attractions and meetings versus developing things online only to have a disconnect (on either side) upon meeting in real life. Part of me wants to date, have romance and really give my heart to someone and the other part of me just says screw it, guys are just good for sex. put a condom on and hope for the best and just start having hookups or get a steady sex buddy like everyone else because Im long overdue and that's the only thing guys want anyway so why bother wanting anything more. But something about that notion just feels so empty for me and I know i will regret it but gosh I'm lonely. Part of my fear is that I wont measure up to all the other guys these guys have slept with because I haven't really had much experience also i just have an average body. Sometimes it seems like guys just want me for some imagined huge penis they think i have. I would hate to be dumped after being physically intimate if I wasn't not "good in bed" or "not big enough" for them. I have been slow faded after one or two dates without me even doing anything "wrong" so I would hate to see what would happen if I didn't measure up sexually in their opinion. I'm really scared about that. So in the dating aspect, I"m totally stalled. Not sure how to move forward with someone that feels right, safe, and loving. Also, there's still a part of me that feels sooooo alone. although I meet many gay guys, I have also found it hard to meet people I can relate to. Even in a gay club, I tend to always pick out the random "straight" guy there without me even know until they say "sorry I'm straight". It's llike i'm constantly attracted to something that just doesn't seem available.
Hey it sounds like you want a relationship rather than a hookup. If you don't want to revisit the online dating then my advice would be to find some LGBT meetups. They can be support groups or LGBT walking groups or book clubs or whatever interests you and that way you can meet new people, form a support network and possibly meet someone of dating potential.
It's cool to see you posting again, early40's! What you describe, in my experience, is the most vexing problem in the gay-male world for any number of reasons including the fact that the great majority of men are straight! I don't think there's any silver bullet other than to keep doing things where you are around other gay men that might fit what you're looking for and also looking online via reputable dating (not sex-oriented) sites.
