Okay. So I was really unsure about me being trans at the beginning. I guess everyone goes through that phase. It involved a lot of looking things up, watching other people's experiences, thinking back etc. And then I got my hair cut and was like : Yeah. This is what I want. So I meet up with my two best friends and I tell them. They reacted pretty chill, although they're still doubting me being trans but whatever. So everything is fine and that day I also ordered my first binder which should be delivered tomorrow evening. Yesterday I went out with my friends looking kinda like a boy (though I wasn't out to half of them) and it felt pretty okay though I did not pass at all (I still don't really own boy's clothes, so that's a problem) And today I've told my friends to try to refer to me as he.. But it just kind of feels weird. It doesn't feel like they're referring to me and also I feel kind of... ashamed? And I'm really starting to doubt I'm trans, which I DON'T WANT. I want this to be me and I want to transition but aagh I don't know.
Don't worry. If you just figured yourself out, it's bound to be weird at first. You'll get used to male pronouns and your new name if you keep using them. To get used to it, try refering to yourself in your head with it. It's because you're not used to it now that you're not trans. Also, for clothes, you could go shopping for some. See what you like and try to find your style a bit. The first part of transition is usually clothing and hairstyle anyway.
Yeah I ordered a few pairs of jeans but the problem is that I don't really have the money at the moment to buy new clothes...
Hey NotKnowing, It is not always straightforward, and might take some time getting used to things, but it'll get better soon! You'll get your clothes, the pronounces will sound right, you will stopped being ashamed. And if the struggle still continues, you can always ask for professional help, and vent out here! Good luck!
It took me a little while to get used to reacting to my preferred name, but (at least for me) the feeling like they weren't referring to me and the shame feeling was just my anxiety that they didn't fully accept me. (My mom shames me a lot and acts like I'm being ridiculous) so at first I had a lot of anxiety that they were just pretending to see me as male and were actually thinking of me as a girl, but as I got more used to being referred to as male I didn't doubt other's intentions as much.