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Lost on the road

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Bastian, Feb 15, 2017.

  1. Bastian

    Regular Member

    Oct 18, 2014
    Likes Received:
    Old Continent
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Hi guys,

    been a while since I last logged in, so, um.. hello ya all.

    I´m in my mid 30´s (about time to start a proper midlife crisis :icon_bigg ) and I am pretty sure about who I am and how do I function for almost 3 years now. No big deal, just another gay guy born with the *wrong* downstairs. I live in a country where legal transition is quite hard to achieve - instead of presumed help you´ll get yourself into a neverending, humiliating process of medical and bureaucratic bullying - and this is mostly why I am still considering the first consultation as a *maybe one day* option, instead of knocking confidently at the therapist´s door. Anyway, I said that I am sure who am I - well, I WAS, till the last week, when everything went upside down. What happened? Well I came out to a friend and it felt weird. Don´t get me wrong, I had already came out to few close friends before and luckily for me, I have always met good and quite supportive reactions. I don´t know why it was different now, because the reaction was exactly the same - very friendly and warm. It was just me who felt bad after. The main feeling was why do I even bother people with my problems, when they sure had enough of their own? Why do I even think I matter?

    The week that followed was weird, and at the end of it I feel like I am - well... nothing. Like if everything I have achieved the past three years (and what a wild journey it was!) was lost. I feel like I am something in between, something that merely exists as flesh and bones, only still breathing for no certain reason. You can say I am pretty lost right now, just like my confidence just disappeared. Yeah, I suppose that´s probably the best way how to describe it. So, I wonder if anyone of you had similar confused experience? I do hope this *lost* feeling (or rather lack of any feeling at all right now) is just temporary, but still I´d appreciate some advice.

    Thanks for reading this nonsense rant and lovely day to all