So, it's been almost 4 months and I'm still struggling to cope with this breakup. We lived together with my daughter (4), I proposed to her, we traveled together, and I was convinced she was my soul mate. It's dumb, I know, but I truly loved her and wanted nothing more. That was my only real relationship - before that, moving from woman to woman was sort of my specialty. When I found her that desire to date a lot of people faded and I only wanted her. We were going to move out of state together and would have been married in May. It's June now. I feel like I'm mourning a lot that I never had. The reasons for breaking up are numerous, honestly. A few factors caused it. 1. We were working in the cam/porn industry (something she'd been doing for 2 years) and I felt it was very unhealthy for her and wanted to stop (I'm now opposed to the sex industry). This wasn't an explicit reason for the break up but it caused a lot of arguments around that time because we'd attended the national porn convention together which is where we met 2. The woman we had a threesome with. Long story short I sensed she had feelings for my fiancee and tried to cut it off. When we broke up, my ex moved to Texas and is still in a relationship with this girl. This hurts me for a few reasons. I feel cheated on, betrayed (by both of them), as well as confused because my ex has confessed she's not in love with this girl. It's just comfort? Idk. 3. My ex was dealing with self harm and it got to a point where I took my daughter out of the house because I didn't want her to witness that. I threatened to take her to the hospital and admit her (which given her history was wrong but I didn't know what else to do at the moment). She gave me back my engagement ring the next morning. Otherwise, we were in sync. We had the same goals, priorities, political beliefs. Our dynamic was symbiotic and easy, romantic. I'm still in love with her. I asked her to come back almost 2 weeks ago and she almost did, but she ended up deciding to stay for her girlfriend. Which.... honestly has made me extremely bitter. I want to let go now. I want to move on. This is just very hard. I've gotten a job writing a novel professionally, which is straight out of my dreams, and I'm living alone with my daughter and independent. I feel like I should be happy but every day I'm missing the cavernous space she left behind. I've deleted the pictures and try not to think of her. I don't lurk on her social media. I don't talk to her. But I miss her. A lot. I recognize now the mistakes I made and know I can't salvage the relationship now. I could never forgive her for choosing someone else over me. I want to be with someone who will always choose me, but I'm too tired to look for her. Not yet. But right now I've gone to new lows of my depression, I feel isolated and cold towards others, and I want to escape that. Any advice any other lesbian women have for me, especially if you've gone through something like this or have kids too, is appreciated. I'm not sure where to go from here
