Hello! Over a year ago I ended a 17 year relationship with a woman after accepting that I was gay. It was no longer fair to either one of us for me to not be true to myself. After a year of trying to focus on myself and figure out who I am, I feel more lost and lonely than ever. I live in a rural area and it’s really hard to meet other gay guys. Any advice on how to come out in your 40’s when you’re scared of rejection from your friends, family, employer, and community? And how do really figure out who I really am?
Sorry, I don't have any real words of wisdom here as I too, aren't officially out. Those who know, guessed and I just didn't deny it like I've always done. I sat there quiet, which confirmed it. I knew I could trust them not to say anything and let me come out on my terms when I'm ready. They weren't surprised. We (or at least I) who are in the closet tend to believe we hide our sexuality well and that everybody will be shocked but in reality that may not be the case (was for me). It may be a shock to some, but it may not be for others. I think some are oblivious (or denial) and some already suspect and are awaiting confirmation. You also need to ask yourself, "am I ready to come out?". Once it's out there, you can't take it back. If the answer is "yes", then have you thought of starting small? Tell someone who you believe (or know) won't have a negative response or spread it around town. You don't have to tell the world straight away. It's entirely up to you. You'll need to be prepared and at the same time, hope for the best. There will be people who will respond in a negative manor but hopefully they will be out numbered by those who will support you. I don't know your situation in terms of how your community will respond so you'll need to gauge this. It shouldn't be this hard. I wish you the best of luck, whatever your choice.
Hi! It sounds like you know who you really are, but you feel unable to live as though you do. Being gay in a rural area can be a challenge and, based on the fact that you assume rejection from everyone you know, yours sounds stifling and conservative. (Could this be an irrational fear, though? How did your ex react?) Also, gay people tend to gravitate towards cities, so statistically your chances of meeting someone with whom you'd want to form a relationship are lower. Ideally I'd say you should move to a city where you can enjoy the liberation of not being observed and potentially judged. If that's not an option, or you don't want to move, then I'd say start slowly. Like @zgaynz said above, tell someone who probably won't reject you. Enjoy the feeling of not keeping a secret and the huge weight that that unburdens you of. You've already had the courage to tell your ex, so you can do it again. These things are often much worse in our minds than in reality. Once you take a small step like this, and repeat it a few times, the effect can compound so that you feel only complete openness is acceptable. If somebody does reject you, then it's really their problem. It just tells you that they're ignorant and afraid, and your relationship with them wasn't worth much anyway, because their acceptance of you was conditional on you not being yourself.
Hey welcome to EC! Coming out to your ex was a huge and awesome thing so that must be the hardest one. How did it go with her? Growing up in the AIDS crisis stopped a lot of guys from being able to accept or really understand ourselves properly. There was so much horrible information about what it meant to be gay, it's just a choice like getting into drugs, just pray on it, and all the hate and gay bashing. We lost all those guys who otherwise could have been good role models and mentors for younger gay guys. Gay rights were making progress before AIDS pushed it way back so that hurt too. Lots of other guys who are or were married to women as you probably saw so lots of support. You got this!
Bottom line for me is becoming me. If I don’t speak it and show it, what’s the point. I usually don’t tell or show people I’m Bi. I ”feel them out’ figuratively and trust my instincts, which have turned out to pretty good if I do say so. We all have radar. The problem for me has been, I just don’t listen..I don’t want to hear it. So it slams me in the face and here I am.. Begin slow and easy…
Justme8.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
