Hey, this is my first post at empty closets. I grew up in a society where being gay is frowned upon, and unfortunately, many of my friends hold to that idea. Recently, a guy I know came out. After hearing some of my friends comments about him, I doubted if I could ever go through that. Of course I know I'd "find out who my true friends are," but the fact that I'd lose friends at all really saddens me. But fuck it, it doesn't matter in the end, huh
Well, first things first. A big hearty, heaping helping of "welcome!" :icon_bigg Nice to have you with us here at EC! As to your friends, your decision to come out to them or not can only be made by you. And the timing of your coming out, if you decide to, can also make a big difference too. I know that several of my friends that I told in high school have mellowed out quite a bit in the last eight years since then and are very different from that time and place. Try not to be too bothered by their insensitive comments about the other out gay guy. Chances are pretty high that they're saying a lot of it out of habit and expectation that they should say those things. That's pretty rampant in schools these days. However, they might react quite different if someone they know more closely comes out to them. It's much more difficult to openly mock a close friend than it is to mock someone not in your clique/friend group. But it is pretty accurate that you'll find your true friends after coming out. Those that stick by you are worth their weight in diamonds. Those that don't weren't really friends with you in the first place. They were friends with the facade you put up. They were friends with an illusion. So try not to feel bad if that does happen (although I fervently hope it doesn't!). They just have some growing up to do. Let us know how things go! And welcome, again!
thanks a lot for the welcome and the advice. you're right about the insensitive comments being said almost because they are expected to be said - i expected them and i'm sure my friends did too. it is just disheartening the level to which some people take their beliefs because they are expected to do so. trained to view homosexuality as wrong, they actually do, without having a chance to really evaluate it themselves. i am sure i am the same way about other things, its impossible to escape being impressed upon by others. true friends - i've realized there are few, but they are there. thanks for your words
Welcome to EC. :smilewave What Astaroth says is spot on. Everyone will conform to what's expected for fear of being labled gay for having the courage to support gays. An example. My nephew's dad is extremely homophobic. As a result my nephew (trying to impress his dad) follows suit. I'm very close to my nephew so one day after a long chat about life, etc I told him about me. His reaction was the total opposite of the bigotted and homophobic nephew I had known before I came out to him. He was totally supportive and said he would back me whatever. Just goes to show that your real friends (in this case also a family member) will stand by you. He still makes homophobic remarks (in general - not at me) but he says as I've said above. If his school mates sniff allegiance to gays, he'll be labled one. Of course, I would question whether his mates were real mates if they did think that!! Hope this helps.
Thanks for sharing this! I think its important to remember that even though we may lose a couple friends, our REAL friends are going to step forward and be there for us. Its too bad he's still making these remarks sometimes. Hopefully someday he will mature enough to realize that standing up for people you love is more important than any ridicule or people talking behind your back.
Thanks Becky. He's only just turned 17 so there's still time for him! He used to be worse but since coming out to him he has realised that gays are just normal people and he has said that my coming out has made him realise that he's wrong to make snide remarks. However, we all know about peer pressure and fitting in especially as a teenager so, for now, I guess he feels pressured into following the pack.. :icon_sad:
Thanks everyone. I also am a little discouraged from being out as my mother didn't take it very well when I came out to her (albiet, I wasn't prepared to come out to her then, making the whole thing more dramatic from the getgo). I occasionally wonder if I would be totally out if my parents had been supportive when I told them I was attracted to men. I'm going through the process of accepting myself, too, so that when I do come out to everyone (if that happens) I am ready for it.
the friends that leave you when they find out you're gay are the friends that will probably screw you over in the end anyways. that rhymed
As always,Welcome we hope you enjoy your stay. back in the day when i first knew(let's say about 5th grade)i was terrified of losing friends when i came-out,especially since i had s few of them in the first place. I didn't tell anyone(aside from my mom) until this girl kept sending me notes(8th grade) and i had never done anything with a girl(and so didn't want to start) so i freaked out. I felt very accomplished when i wrote her a note saying i was gay. It was weird,it was almost like,by telling a stranger,it wasn't something to be afraid of anymore. Which is the problem here,we can't just go around telling strangers,sometimes their not the most receptive,or polite, people. I would say to think about who amongst your friends is the closest,the ones you spend the most time with or that you just really click with y'know? the thing about coming-out is that its a loaded situation,people are going to be on edge the moment you say,"i have something to tell you". try not to be too hurt if they freak and say something nasty,they just don't know how to handle it. The more comfortable you appear with it (without ramming it down people's throats)the better. People will pick up on that,if its no big deal to you,it shouldn't be a big deal to them. the people that matter will still be there when the dust settles,which is really the hardest part about coming out. But in all honesty,the best thing to do in the situation is not make a big productin out of it,just make like its just something you picked up on your way home from the store. "Oh yeah, i forgot to tell you,i'm ___." -in an uncomfortable situation,people take cues from those who have initiated the uncomfortable atmosphere.- i hope that helps,i don't know haha,i kind of took a whole "-if they don't want me,i don't want them-" attitude when i was coming out. again,i hope that helped and Welcome :music:
Just keep one main thing in mind through the entire ordeal. What exactly IS a friend? He's more than somebody who just hangs out with you on Friday nights. It's somebody you've bonded with. Somebody whom you like, and somebody who likes YOU - not some vague basic sketch of you, or even the "you" that you wish you were. But YOU. He may not know absolutely everything about you, but he's started seeing your faults. He knows you trip over your feet a lot, or dress kinda weird, or talk about that band an awful lot. But he puts up with it, because he feels the positive outweighs the negative. He likes YOU, and that includes all aspects of you. This friend won't care that you're gay. Other "friends" might. Ones that like you on a more superficial level. They may up and leave. If so, they didn't like YOU. They liked the "surface you" - the idealized one without any of the really human traits beneath. And no big deal losing them. [youtube]DAhIGxVNAOI[/youtube] 'Cause you can't live up To what they made of you And they'll tell you That you're losing friends Losing friends? You've got nothing to lose You don't lose when you lose fake friends. Lex
exactly! and Joan Jett makes everyone feel better(that song reminds me of freshman year,it was my mantra haha):eusa_clap
One last thing: If you don't fit in, don't change *just* to fit in! Have confidence in yourself. It may take time and it may (or even, will) be painful, but you'll be proud of yourself if you stand on your two feet and smash everyone with your positive attitude
