Looking for married men cheated on their wives with other men

Sam,

You may want to consider posting in the later in life section. There are other members whom have had similar experiences as what you are describing. They may be able to provide insight based on their experiences which you may find helpful.

There could be quite a lot going on with what you have described and there is no one size fits all answer for what your experiencing. One thing is for sure, there is quite a journey that lays ahead of you.

I am curious, have you visitied with a sexuality trained therapist by any chance? To the extent you have not, it may be a good idea for you to do so. As well, distinct couples counseling could benefit the both of you at the same time.

That said, in the first instance, you may want to work to better understand your sexuality and work to understand what is driving the same sex desires. Both heteronormative messaging as well as exposure to homophobia has a way of creating shame and internalized homophobia; working through these emotions may help to provide clarity as well as lift emotional weights off your shoulders. As well, while your figuring out your sexuality and same sex desires, you can work to figure out how that fits in with the relationship you have with your wife.

As well, not to judge for what you have done previsouly, going forward try and be as transparent and as open as possible with your wife. It might be emotional and challenging in the short term to do so, but it will pave the way for finding the right solution between the two of you in the long run.

I look forward to reading more posts as you progress on your journey. And welcome to EC, you will find this to be a safe place to engage with others.

 

First and foremost, working on yourself is probably the right approach. I can not say what is doable in regard to your marriage, that is something you and your wife need to figure out.

It does sound like she may be going through a bit of shock at the moment. Maybe letting her calm a bit might open her up to the idea of going to a couples counselor?

Why do you think she is so opposed? Is she maybe unhappy with the marriage as it is and sees this as an opportunity to exit the relationship? Have you explored this with her?

 

I just read your other reply where you say she is already on dating web sites. How long have you been married?

Based on what I am reading, it seems she is moving on. Are you fighting for her or are you really fighting for yourself and your former identity?

 

Hey I don't have any experience in this matter but I wonder have you asked your wife if she was happy before she found the email thread?

 

Sound like you need to maybe start to come to the reality that after 20 years, the marriage is over. And it would seem it might have been over in her mind well before she even saw what your had written.

Sorry to be direct, but maybe you need to come to terms with that?

 

Maybe you are not as culpable as you may think you are. On the sexuality front, yes you did cheat. But in terms of the marriage, maybe she was waiting for you to do something so she does not need to take responsiblity. If after 20 years she will not go to a marriage counselor with you, where part of therapy is for each party to be honest and transparent, I would venture to guess there may be more to the story than you even know.

I am just making assumptions now, but there are many questions here that seem unanswered.

Also, why even bother staying together? Do you need each other financially? Do you have kids? Is there anything that requires you stay together? Aside from your own insecurities and low self esteem, why would you want to be with a woman that does not love you and does not want to be with you?

 

Sam,
I concur w OTH that your marriage seems over. I'm bi, my wife knew it when we got married, then later divorced.

I get that u want to save your 20 yr marriage, but it takes 2 to do that, & it seems she's not into it. U said she hates u, & is meeting other men. You're not reading the writing on the wall.

A few things u wrote r inconsistent:
1) "I can't be emotionally involved w a man. Just a reaction to an emotion in my head". This is really b.s. You're in denial. Emotions r an expression of our deeper nature … as is our desire for sex. Don't hide. Whether you're gay, bi, asexual, whatever, step up to the plate.

2) "your sexuality is just 1 part of u, I've got all these other parts." Sexuality is an orienting & significant part of u - not just 1 part among lots of others. Notice the effect it's had on your wife. It's a major part of u. Some women freak out about a man being bi, others (usually who r bi themselves) r ok w it.

Can u say more about your attraction to other men? I hope I have not put u off by my comments … & that they've helped u to look deeper at yourself.

 

I had some medication that made me pretty impulsive and hypersexual, so I ended up having a one time (and first same sex) encounter. I thought at the time it was only a sexual experiment to see how Bi I really am. I concluded it was just a sex thing. Now, I am coming to terms with it and realize it is not just that and, in fact, the hookup idea was very damaging to me and my wife.

I go off the medicine and thought everything was going away; which it mostly did. Now, I feel more of a desire to grow a healthy relationship. However, I my wife and I both had to fight to get where we are today, so I am not pursuing my "other side" and focusing on time/intimacy with her. I can't focus on both at the same time, and it took a lot of strength from her to support me. Also it took a lot of discussion and time with me proving "good behavior" for a year to regain trust from her. It is a 20 year relationship for me also. The difference is, my wife was dedicated to me and not already looking for someone else. If I was in your situation, I think I would be divorced. She held it for three months and already committed to her own plan. That doesn't sound very healthy. Unless you can convince her to work together on this, I would say the outlook is not good. Sorry to say that and I hope the best for you.

 

You deserve to find happiness.
You deserve for yourself. Start looking inside and work on four IGI out whom you are - whether it is bi, gay, straight, or a unicorn!

When you find internal peace, you will find your own happiness. By ta up to you to embark on the journey.

Maybe your not breaking down because of the thought of losing your wife, maybe your breaking down over the thought of no longer living a life that was not authentic to begin with.

It's time to begin your journey to authenticity.

 

I am so sorry to hear this. I understand the struggles. I don't think she understands the desire to express yourself. Will she be willing to see a counselor with you? You can't fix it, but maybe some mediator can help you fix it. Unfortunately, she does have the right to leave, but it doesn't sound like she is trying to understand or resolve the problem. I don't know what part of Texas you are in, but in the DFW area there are lots of resources. I am glad the have the VA services available. I would invite you to PM, but I haven't been granted the privilege yet. We can't share personal data either.

 

Sam-

From a woman's perspective, married at that, I can tell you if she found out about your affair months back, she's had ample time to come to terms with what you've done. Ample time to decide what she wants, doesn't want. Etc.

I've been cheated on, and as a woman I can say when we say we are done, sadly (99% of the time) we are done. I left a marriage with a child involved over the same discretion.

My only advice to you would be to stop chasing. Stop trying to fix. Because in her mind this happened months ago, she's processed, and she's clearly ready to search else where.

Don't smother. Give her space.
If your marriage and foundation was as solid as you claim for 20+ years, then she will come around. The grass isn't always greener. There's a 50/50 chance here, but I can tell you smothering will make the situation worse.

I wish you both the best of luck.