Pleas read it all! I don’t know if i’m gay but i dont fear anymore if that is the truth. Just want peace and assurance. Im 25 and always have been straight (i think) but being insecure about my orientation for years. My psychologist doesnt think im gay and told me i only have the obsession because i always sabotize myself and do everything not to be happy. But its just too masochistic now. Ive always been an extremely sensitive man (not effeminate at all but in an artistic way). I always feel too much. I read, i write, like poetry and so. Since i was a boy was into sports and the leader of the soccer team. Started watching porn very young (8 years old). I have suffered for women all my life. Was always with boys in middleschool playing sports and had a gf at age 10 lol when she broke up with me i cried. First time i touched a woman was at the graduation 3-seat-bus. She was in the middle of a friend and me and jerked us both. Then i passed to junior high. I was always admiring womens bodies and jerking off to them. At age 14 i became the typical obscure gloomy adolescent. At that age and aunt asked me if i truly liked women and i said yes but was not convinced. At age 15 i got my first girfriend who i loved passionately because she’s sensible and artistic as i am. It was a very intense relationship, we had sex all Day every day. I got the butterflies just thibkibg about her and anytime i was around her i was hard. Im passionate and my erections are an extension of my feelings (i think that doesnt happen a lot to straight men). She cheated on me like 4 times and then broke up with me at age 17 and i started hating women. My alcoholism grew stronger (been a heavy drinker since 15). At age 17 i had sex with more women than at any other age. But i wanted to prove myself i was a ladiesman. As time went by, i had sex with several but had trouble getting erections. There was a stage (it happened 3 or 4 times) after i broke with my gf in which i arrived drunk and drugged with benzos and i standed in front of the mirror wearing my mothers collars. Totally wasted. That scares me because of the sexual identification and all. At highschool parties i was always with the cool guys but i started noticing something. They talked to hot girls way more than i did. I dont know if i was scared of them or hated them or a bit of both, but i’ve always had trouble talking to good looking girls. Which is ironic because im handsome even though very short. Here’s when my really important doubts start. At 20 i got my second long term girlfriend and we had a lot of fun because she was a heavy drinker too. And it lasted about 2 years. I cheated on her a lot of times because i dont trust women and wanted to prove myself a Don Juan as my father. But the truth is i am not a ladiesman, i confess it after these years. Im a shy complex person. While being with the girl i started having doubts about my orientation (dont know why) because we had sex on a common basis and i didnt like men. I seriously dont remember getting hard seeing a guy, not ever. When i was 22 i thought i was in love with my (girl) best friend and he had sex in a lot of parties. After a couple of months (of this i ame sure) i admitted that i wasnt really attracted to her (she is in fact not attractive). At 23 i had another 2 year relationship, and the first year was very good but my obsession about being gay grew stronger and she statted sensing something wrong was going on with me, even though i never told him what. I was diagnosed with general crisis of anxiety. We always had great sex but in the second year i started having intrusive thoughts about guys while having sex with her and that made me very anxious. She dumped me and i spent a year depressed half about her and half about the hay obsession. Ive been like this now for 3 years. I dont read anymore, i dont write, i dont watch films with the passion i did before. Sometimes something tells me deep down im gay and sometines it tells me im completely straight. Now i can admit when i find a guy good looking but i watch women way more. I just look at mans faces, not their bodies. With girls i like i dont mine blowing them and i do kt but its not my favorite thing. But i dont know if its unusual. A lot of straight girls dont like sucking penises. Anyway, Here goes the core of the thing: i’ve read by some CM’s here, like Chip, that eyaculstion is a good indicator of orientation. Ive watched gay porn like 25 times to check and i dont get aroused, but i started doing wehat they said, just masturbating about guys, and the thing is i dont get hard, i have to think about a girl to get hard, but once i am, i switch the thought to my male best friend or other friend and i eyaculate in 5 seconds!!!! Dont even think about their bodies or faces, just say their names in my head and its done. With a lot of anxiety but it happens. I was just in the middle of a crisis in an airport today and did it. Did it in the bathroom and eyaculated. Its the third or fourh time it happens, although my penis has always been half flaccid. But i came to this conclusion: once you eyaculate with the thought of a man, you’re gay Funny thing is ive spent all my life suffering for women while at the time dont knowing what i am. I met a girl who i really liked, we went out for 3 months, talked to each other daily and yes, had sex. But she perceived that i have inner problems and broke up with me. I was really starting to care for her and i cried when she told me. that doesnt happen to a lot of gay men right? To be aleays suffering for women. But anyways, all the times i didnt achieve erections in ny life, all my fear of women. This goddamn eyaculations. Maybe im just gay. I even set the ###### mode in gay and are willing to experiment with a man just to get these thoughts out of my head. Im broken, lonely, desperate, anxious, depressed, i dont know if i like men or women. Please answer me, i don’t fear the truth anymore.
Nothing you describe would, to me, indicate that you're gay. On the contrary, everything you describe points to attaction to women. Of course, only you can know for sure. What does definitely come across are symptoms consistent with anxiety and perhaps with obsessive thoughts. I am inclined to agree with your therapist. You may want to explore medication to (at least in the short term) deal with the anxiety and intrusive thoughts.
I completely agree. You could be bi. But gay? I don't think a gay man would be capable of feeling the feelings you have for women. Gay means you like men only. And your post doesn't imply anything that would suggest that.
Another thing I like to remind people: If dating men brings you so much distress and is not something you want to do, than don't. So you got off to it in your head while you were masturbating? So what. You don't have to date a man if you don't want to. Even if you were attracted to men you obviously sound like you want to be with women. So do that. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. There is no shame either way though, even if you had this as a purely fantasy moment in your head. It's not a big deal. Plenty of people have these fantasies.
I see nothing in the poster's original post that would remotely indicate that he is bi. On the contrary, it appears all sexual attraction is to opposite sex people, all attempts at same-sex attraction are forced, motived more by anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Nothing here to indicate genuine attraction to the same sex in any way. That said, I also agree that there's no stress to date anyone, of either sex, if you don't feel comfortable doing so. Usually, if you take your time, and suspend judgment, your own attractions will eventually show themselves to you.
