I've never come out to anyone before. But lately, there's like a knot in my chest that's always there and sometimes it aches and pulses through my body. I get this urge to just come out and stop lying. The knot is a result of the frustration of not being able to. I can't even consider coming out to my conservative parents. I get the feeling they won't believe me. They'll say I'm just doing it for attention. The only person in my family I can trust to come out to is my brother. I want to so badly. While he visited, I spent my free time planning how exactly I was going to do it. Right before he left, I was going to do it. But I couldn't- I completely froze. One side of my brain is trying to convince the other side that if I tell my brother, it will ruin everything. He won't view me the same way and nothing will be the same it was. It also seems like there's no perfect time to tell him. I just can't do it. If anyone's been a similar situation, any advice would be helpful. I'm completely alone in this dark closet which makes the knot of frustration that much worse. Thank you!
Hi there, and welcome to Empty Closets! It sounds like that you are getting ready to be more open about your sexual orientation, which is great! I wouldn't worry about not having been able to come out to your brother when he visited. It's okay. The important thing is that you thought about it, and gave it a try. That counts. Every time you try, or even just think about it, you are coming a step closer of being able to say it, or speak with him. Knowing that you can trust him, and that he would be most likely understanding, is all the reassurance that you need. When you try to come out, you are also trying to let go of all the defenses that you have built during the time you have tried to come to terms with your feelings and attractions. The defenses will still be there for the first few times or at least until you have started to build your support network and feel accepted and/or supported. What might help is maybe to try to think about coming out to a friend first, thus allowing you to build your confidence and start feeling more comfortable with others knowing. Sometimes, it is easier to come out to a friend first than it is to a family member. Do you have a friend that you trust and would comfortable coming out to? If you feel ready to come out to your brother, you could try writing/sending a letter (or perhaps an e-mail) for/to him. Sometimes, writing everything out what one wants to say, makes coming out a bit easier. Maybe give it a thought, and gauge how you feel about it.
