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Living somebody else's dream

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Klutz, Aug 11, 2017.

  1. Klutz

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    I'm from a small New England town and moved to a big city for a little over a year for work. It was the best thing I could have done for my perstonal life. I was 1600 miles from home and nobody had any preconceived notions as to who I ought to be. I could explore who I wanted to be without disappointing anybody. I did a lot of growing up.

    However (there always is one), I realized how much I missed my family, and found a job back home. Rent prices are really high where I am, so I bought a house. The mortgage would be at least $600 cheaper than renting a two bedroom apartment. It made financial sense.

    I have an amazing place, that I can now call my own. But, I never wanted to own a house; that was never my dream. And I feel really weird coming back here, and making such a commitment, where a year ago, I was so happy to escape the area. Escape being the key word.

    It is some people's dream to own a nice house. It was never mine; I want to travel and see.the world and go on adventures. I also never thought I would buy one on my own, by myself, after moving to an area where dating potential is lacking even for heterosexual couples. I kinda feel like I just resigned myself to be my niece's crazy spinster aunt. The crazy aunt part I am fine with and work hard to maintain. I just don't want to be alone forever, but I feel like I just traded that for money and stability.

    So, I'm in the middle of an emotional breakdown, because I must be out of my mind to buy a house here, of all places. But also because this is a lot of people's *Big Life Dream* and I am so ungrateful for being able to achieve it (it was a rational financial decision), that I feel like I don't deserve it. I'm just an ungrateful bitch that deserves to die alone; popping bubbly wine with a dog for company to celebrate big life achievements (I don't give him any, he isn't of age.)

    I don't know what words of advice or encouragement you may have, but I would really like to read them.
     
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  2. Moonsparkle

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    Not sure I have any words of advice but wow does your post resonate! Living someone else's dream, I totally get it! Because I, at least attempted to do it too because I figured...'hey this is the plan right? this is what everyone wants, right?'

    So, I ended up getting married to a man, we bought a house. But the whole marriage to a man, and owning a house never felt right deep down to me. I did stuff I thought I should enjoy, we bought new bushes for the yard, new furniture, painted. It all 'looked good' from the outside. But honestly this all was never my thing. However, at the time I blamed myself for being 'broken' somehow, I mean everyone WANTS this stuff! I couldn't even wrap my brain around the idea that it would be okay NOT to want these things.

    Anyway, after a lot of drama, fast forward a bunch of years. I got divorced, would come out as a lesbian a couple years later, rented a one bedroom apartment. And EVERYTHING felt better. Very true that often buying a home makes financial sense over renting. But the sensible financial thing to do is not the only way to measure things. There's often the idea that renting is throwing money away, and I totally get that! My rent is high, BUT it is worth it to me. I love my place--zero upkeep, the dishwasher breaks and no problem, just call the landlord, they fix it in a day or two. This life feels right to me. Plenty of time to just lock the door and do the stuff I want to do, stuff that DOES really resonate with me! I never wanted a house to begin with, I just didn't know how to listen to what Oprah calls the 'whisper' in my head. The information was there all the time, I just wanted to make my dream fit what I saw as the normal American dream.

    It must have been a wonderful experience to move so many miles from home to a big city, what a great learning experience--on a personal and in a life way! I live in the Northeast U.S. too, not in a small town...but I do understand New England small towns! And living in one is not what seems to float your boat (that wouldn't work for me either.) And sounds like living in the big city really did spark your soul!

    I guess the best advice I can give you is to listen to the whisper in your head. It's telling you all you need to know! If you want to sell your house and move on, you can. It wouldn't be easy, and probably wouldn't make financial sense. (My ex and I BARELY broke even on the sale of our house, and it was one big mess getting it sold!). Financial sense is one thing, but think about what makes life sense for you. :slight_smile:
    All the best to you, and to your dog too, too bad he's underage so he can't throw back a few drinks with you, my cats aren't of legal age either :wink:
     
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  3. silverhalo

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    Hey I think Moonsparkle has made some excellent points. I also want to say don't look at the house as a permenant thing. You can sell it and even if you only get what you paid for it you have saved money every month on rent. It's also totally true that money isn't everything and it certainly doesn't buy happiness. When you moved away you missed your family, do you think if you could have build up a more solid friendship network there that would have made you miss your family less or the friends could just not replace your family? Is there any kind of compromise? Say a bigger town than you are in but not as big as the previous one but that's is closer to your family? So you can still get away but also visit family more often?

    You don't need to want what everyone else wants and who knows maybe the people you think want it don't actually want it either they are just following everyone else.
     
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  4. leb10

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    Your post really resonated with me! My husband and I bought a house shortly after we got married and while I love it, I could never definitively say it was my forever house. For some reason then (now of course I know) I just couldn't see myself there until I was old. I feel like I've been in a dream for so long and that's because I've been regulating myself. Not letting me be me, but a "perfect" version of myself and I just can't keep it up anymore. Nor do I want to.

    I agree with listening to the whisper. Sell the house! Go to a place that makes you happy! If you can't sell it, maybe a property management company can help you get it rented.
     
  5. Silverbirch

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    Many times over the years I felt I was living someone else's life - and I suppose their dream. For some reason when it came to the crunch I'd back out of following my own dreams, and persuade myself I wanted this other thing. I ended up married to a man which i can laugh at now because it was a silly thing to do. I'm still mopping up some of the after effects of my fearful decisions, but I am in essence living more authentically.

    If you don't want a house, sell it. If you want to go adventuring, go. Think about what you value and head off towards a life where you try to live your own values and dreams, not somebody else's.
     
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  6. Klutz

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    Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a lot better now. I am a total commitment-phobe, so looking at the house as a forever thing is super scary. As long as I remind myself that I can sell or rent it, I don't feel as trapped. And I can be exited, because I am proud that I could buy a house.

    I really wasn't happy in the big city. I see myself as an old lady living around here. I want to adventure, and my job here is a step toward making that happen more regularly. That is all good. I just need to remind myself of my priorities when I look at things like paving the driveway or going somewhere. And it is ok of the priorities change; I just need to be really consciously self aware. And remind myself that I can still leave.

    I guess my biggest fear is that there just isn't a lot of dating potential here. I just turned 30 (which I realize is not that old), but a not so small part of me is sad that I don't have somebody to be sharing this with me. And that part is fearful that by going to a place where my heart relaxes and says 'home', I've given up on finding someone to share it with. I am much happier for having done this myself than with the wrong person, but the loneliness just hit hard.
     
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  7. Imjustjulien

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    Dear K, great to read your story, your experiences, decisions, doubts and the challenges you been facing....and climbing over, walking round, boldly going past....good on YOU.

    And seeing everyone's advise and support...

    Keep writing, keep sharing, keep on unbundling... which clearly you do very well......we are with you, even all the way from down here in Australia.

    While there might not be someone, someone gay, next door or even within a hundred miles, this community, this wonderful EC is your world of friends...no agendas, just your happiness.

    As for buying a house, you can always sell it. Its that easy, all the rest are just details and geography

    Take care and smile, pat your pup, and pat yourself on the back every day.

    Kind wishes, Julien
     
  8. Nimmer

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    Eeeh, kinda been there and done that... House in the country side, big garden, partner and dog, aaand... I wasn't happy at all. Now I'm nearing 40 and live in a flat share and so many people would probably say I've wasted my life, and... Yep, sure: wasted my life on trying to make it fit certain concepts (mono + hetero relationship, house, state servant and therefore secure job) that actually don't fit *me*. But hey, I'm living in huge city I fell in love with 10 years ago, and I love or at least like every day of it!

    Anyway: if you're 'living someone else's dream and not your own', don't feel guilty—it won't make you happy, it won't give that hypothetical person their dream life either, and therefore that feeling of guilt just has no place in anyone's life. We only have that one life; if something isn't right in it, trying to right it is probably the best thing we can do, innit?