Hi all, This is a bit of a long one, so grab a cuppa and pull up a chair! Lol. Ready? I'm 31, and have been with my hubby since the age of 13, mostly due to falling pregnant and trying to make it work. I got married at 17. My hubby always knew I liked girls (first kiss was with a girl) so he has been ok with me seeing girls, for sexual encounters, all of which I have loved! Hes always joked with me that I'll leave him for a woman. But ive always joked back "no chance, I couldn't go without a mans bits" even though I find them quite grotesque! My problem is, I'm yearning to be with a woman, not just sexually, but a woman who I can spend the rest of my life with. When I see lesbians in the street, holding hands or something, I'm crippled with jealously, so much so, I find myself thinking about them days later!! I reason with myself, its just because ive had a few experiences with men, that were none too pleasant and its scared me off men as they will go to lengths, such as rape to get what they want. I feel like I'm damaged and its a mental response to what's happened to me. Me and hubby split last year (over sex) and I took my chance and went on a dating site to talk to women, I found a woman, who I was completely 100% compatible with. She was so nice and loving towards me. She started buying me gifts for no reason and I crapped myself and ran for the hills! I'm not used to being treated like a princess, which is how she made me feel, and that's why I ran! I feel like I've lost something special! Jan this year, me and hubby got back together, but didn't tell anyone. 2 weeks ago, we told our son that we were back together (my son is 17 in a few weeks) now I feel more trapped than ever! Although me and hubby have been back together for 8 months, we're still not living together and we've had sex twice! And its only been twice because of my scheming not to even enter the stage of backrubs and such! I know he cant perform on certain drugs, so I find myself, suggesting, more and more, that we should have a weekender of drugs, knowing it will result in no sex, for sure! I don't know why, overall, I'm behaving so out of sorts! Well, I do, its just admitting it, but I doubt myself! I know I'm liking women, way more than men, which is prob why I'm sabotaging myself, and now I'm in a situation, that I have put myself in, that I don't want to be in! But how do I tell my 17 year old son, its over, again! And for that matter, its over coz mum likes women!! And then I think, what if I'm wrong, and Ive messed with my childs head, for no reason at all!! I'm soo scared of admitting the truth! Pretty much, everyone around me, knows that I'm bi-sexual, so its not that I need to worry about other people. But what if I'm wrong?? How do I know for sure?? I'm so confused, I don't know what to do, or where to turn!
Honestly, if I were you, I would do it now rather than wait and get everyone's hopes up. Your husband already knows you like women and you barely have a sex life even though you got back together within the last year. Your son is definitely old enough to understand (I told my 15 and 8 year old and they both took it well and understood, although a little more explaining to the 8year old). I don't think those things are your major concerns, but your concern is accepting yourself. Probably why you ran when you did meet someone, not because of how they treated you, but maybe what you thought about being gay. Are you bi-sexual? from what you write, you don't seem to have sexual interest in men, only women. If you know how you feel, you won't be wrong. Listen to yourself, you know who you are, you need to work towards accepting it. You'll know for sure when you listen to your instincts. People may tell you you need to have experience to know, but that's not true. Heterosexual people don't need experience to know they like people of the opposite sex, and the same applies for us. Dominant society thinks there is something wrong with us and in order to be sure think we need to 'explore'. But nope, we don't. We need to listen to ourselves the way they do and do what comes naturally like they do. Not sure if I helped, but I guess by advice is it may be worse if you wait too long (and that's because of your situation, not a general statement about waiting too long), and learn to accept who you are and I think that will give you the answers you are looking for.
I think i can understand your feeling trapped and also confusing issues with men i did the exact same thing. I am also overwhelmed and perhaps scared to a degree with woman but thats just inexperience for me. The thing that scares me most is being true to me. On the other hand im killing myself by not being true and i think we owe it to ourselves and our kids to be happy.
Thankyou both for replying! I don't know why I'm finding it so hard to make that first step. One reason is because my son is old enough to understand. He doesn't know anything about "my other life" I suppose I'm scared he'll hate me for it. It wasn't that long ago we told him we were back together, I don't want to confuse him. I had a life of divorced parents and all the fun and games of a separation, and I don't want to do to him, what my parents did to me, I still have 'issues' to this day! I'd hate for my son to have to deal with similar. I also don't want to break hubbies heart! We've been together 18 years and I do love him, but its that old cliché, I love him, but I'm not inlove with him. I'm worried about his reaction, he can be quite unpredictable and volatile depending on his mood. Above all, I just want to be happy, when I see myself happy, its with another woman, its another woman I want to love and grow old with and enjoy life together. A man doesn't play any part in that! After reading some stories on here about there being a scale and it can vary throughout life. It kinda confuses me more, as I think, 18 years together, is it worth throwing that away, when I could end up liking men more if I just wait it out. I'm sorry for babbling, its all the stuff I have whirling around my head. Its quite literally disabling me, I cant stop thinking, the butterflies in my tummy make it worse, cant think about anything else right now. I'm almost reaching for my phone to text him and say I want to talk, but how would I even start that convo...oh btw, I'm lesbian or hey, remember you said I would turn out lesbian, well here I am...or guess what!? I'm a lesbian! Lol. Gota laugh or I'll cry! I want to tell him, every inch of me is screaming it at him! I'm not sure how many more kisses I can take before I boil over and pour my heart out to him that I cant stand the affection. My whole life balancing on a pin head, why cant I just do it?! I want my life to start already!
It's hard because that first step is the most difficult. You are ready and you can do this. You will probably do it very soon, and I know this because you sound just like i was before I came out to my ex. When you reach the point that it's more painful to not say anything than to tell him the truth, it's time. And no matter how hard you try, if you're not attracted to your husband after 18 years, it's not going happen. The best thing you can do is tell him and both of you can move on. Your son will probably be ok, he's old enough to understand, and if you explain everything to him, then there won't be much if any confusion. He's almost legally an adult, and you may have a better response if you talk to him like one. I know, they are always your babies and you want to protect, my oldest is 20, but in situations like this you can't, so be honest with him. I understand being worried how your ex will respond, I was the same. It's always difficult to know what he will say and he was offended that I thought he would not understand. I didn't expect that. You can try and plan how you are going to do it, or if there comes a moment and you can't keep it in any longer, you will just tell him. That's what I did, I never planned it, I had a really hard day emotionally and just couldn't do it for one more minute and that's when I told him. Now, almost 6 months later, I am literally a different person and have found most of the time peace and happiness, which I never believed I would experience. Once you get the part over, it gets easier. I think this was for me the most difficult, but you will pick up the pieces, you will discover you have courage, and you will begin to build the life you always should have had. I could be wrong, but I really do think you sound like you are ready. I don't think you will be able to hold it in much longer.
I feel the same way about my boyfriend who is also my kids father. He and I have been together on and off since I was 19, but I've known him since I was 15. We have a lot of time invested in one another, but the affection drives me insane, almost to the point where I feel violated. And it doesn't make things any easier because I am pregnant at the moment with our 4th baby boy. I mean, I do love him, but there's something missing, something that only a woman can give me, which makes me feel bad. If anything, it seems like this pregnancy has really opened up my eyes about who I want as a future partner. Not only that, it's probably not a good idea to keep having babies by someone who I don't plan on being with any longer. I'm just ready to stop going back and forth, dating him, breaking up and then dating women to only get back with him again. But hey, at least your son is old enough to understand what it means to be gay. My boys are 10 1/2, 7 and 6 1/2 and while they understand what it means to be gay, they don't understand "why" someone could possibly like the same sex. And I don't plan on telling them that I like women any time soon because I'm not really sure how to have that conversation So believe me, you're not alone...hang in there (*hug*)
Wow you just explained how i feel and my post is basically what do i say to actually end it. It was easier for me to have the discussion because the situation is slightly different but basically he knows how i feel as your hubby does but even if its not a surprise how do you tell them in the nicest way and how do you answer all the questions they have a right to ask. It woukd be difficult knowing how your son might react innitially but i think that if you have a good relationship he will see you are happy. He is old enough to know nothing is simple and with open discussion old enough to understand.
Thanks guys, you've all really helped HTBO, you're right, I'm more than ready to spill the beans, now I just need some courage, lol. Ive asked if he can come over tonight, haven't told him why I want him to come over, just hope I don't crap myself and back out. My son has been brought up to respect people from all back grounds, I don't know how, but hes homophobic when it comes to male gay people (ive sat him down numerous times and had the convo that being gay is ok) not sure how he feels about female gay people, don't think he has a prob with it or I'm sure he would have aired it! Lol. Xxx Pinklov3ly, I know exactly how you feel when you say it feels like you're being violated! Its an odd feeling to have, its a repulsion, which is then a difficult emotion to deal with, when you love that person. You're constantly battling you're own thoughts and feelings everytime there's a touch or a kiss. I hope your children give you the strength to do what you need to do! Life is too short to be spending it fighting with yourself at every turn. You deserve mental peace, especially when you're pregnant. Crossing my fingers for you!! Xxx Clearvision, I suppose what we go through, being married and finding our path to us. Its basically telling your partner, you're not attracted to them, as being gay, that's the way it is, that's what I worry about. Cant imagine thinking, I wasn't attractive to my partner, that's a lot to deal with. Argh! There is no good way to tell them, is there? There will never be a right moment. I think its a case of biting the bullet and spilling your guts. Its not easy, I genuinely feel like I'm going to pass out, lol. Me and my son are very close and we talk about most things, our relationship is quite open, with each other. But I'm sure this will be a massive shock to him. Spose I got to expect him to be angry with me for not saying anything sooner, just don't want him to hate me for being gay and there never being another chance of me and hubby getting back together. My son is my world and really scared of losing what we have. Xxx Thanks again guys, you're all amazing! So glad I found this forum! Who knew there was so many people in the same situ as me! (&&&)
Let us know how you went. I will definitely be biting the bullet soon. Tx for yoursupport and best of luck. You can do it!
Well, as you know I texted him to say I wanted him to come over, then texted him again to say I wanted to see him to talk to him. I wont tell him what the prob is via text, as its too an emotive subject to blurt out over texts that can be misconstrued, its a face to face thing. Hes now texting me coz he wants a night of fun, with a bit of substance use. Not sure if hes using a diversional tactics as he knows that when I say I want to talk, that its generally serious. Now I'm proper confused! A night of drugs sounds far better than a night of upset. Argh! I gota tell him or I'll go insane! I feel like I'm lying to him and that's making me feel guilty. *please, god, give me the strength to see this through!*
My suggestion: (Change the wording to match your style or ignore it altogether.) Tell him there will be no sex tonight. You've got a secret burning a hole inside you and you need to let it out and it may shock people initially but getting it out will make things much better for BOTH of you. You've thought long and hard about this and the last thing you'd want is to hurt anyone, particularly him or your son. This won't change how you feel about him. Except in one way. You prefer women/You're gay/whatever... You could offer him to take the tiniest amount of drugs beforehand to take the edge off but as I've never done any, I don't know how it would work. I guess everyone is different anyway. Would it put him in a better mood?
