I spend a lot of time here on this forum, I think because I'm really feeling isolated in my real life. I'm out to a few friends, and slowly working toward coming out to more of them. I don't feel ready yet to come out to family and in some ways that is holding me back (fear of them finding out). But I find even with the friends I've told I still feel like I can't be totally open with my feelings. They were totally accepting, but part of me still feels awkward and embarrassed and uncomfortable to acknowledge my homosexuality around them. I feel like though they are supportive they just don't really *get* what I've been going through and I don't have the words to explain it in a way that they could truly understand. I wonder if others feel this way, too. I do draw a lot of comfort from even just chatting about casual topics here, as I feel like I don't have to hold back parts of myself for fear of judgement or awkwardness. But I want to try to connect to other gay people in the real world, too. I have looked for support groups but haven't found one that really fits my situation. I'm fortunate in that I live in an area that is really accepting, so I kind of have the opposite problem of most- the support groups are numerous but too specific. I don't feel I'm ready yet for a casual meetup group, though I did join one just to see what they're about and what they do. It doesn't help that I'm extremely shy with social anxiety disorder (so as you can guess, gay bars totally out of the question). Am I just up the creek without a paddle, here? And, can others relate?
Oh yeah, I have social anxiety too. I do great online, but Meatspace is terrifying. Just in the last few weeks, I came out to some new neighbors in the apartments. They are younger couples, and they've been cool about it, so that was encouraging. I get too, like you said, even when people are supportive, they don't *really* know what our lives are like. The ladies here keep asking me when I'm going to get a "bed friend". They didn't get how scary meeting people is for me, especially after all my friends dropped me after I came out. I don't think it's hopeless for you, by any means. Maybe if you keep taking baby steps with these groups?
I totally understand what your going through. I had social anxiety all my life and when you combine that with being gay and coming out it is very hard. I lived in a small town where there were hardly any gay people and I was a very depressed and suicidal person. When I came out in 10th grade by accident to my parents they did not talk about it for a year. I thought ok maybe they don't really accept it when they did. The thing was they wanted me to be the one to talk about it. I had this problem all my life where my parents always expect me to acknowledge my problems or thoughts while they knew I had shyness/social anxiety. It was the same problem when I went to glbt groups and they assumed I was a loner because I was shy. It's a vicious cycle but people need to understand social anxiety and shyness does not exactly mean someone is a loner. I been called a loner by teachers and so many others. The way I opened the door to communication was by texting or sending emails to friends or gay people or even relatives and that made it easier on me. I even came out that way because I hardly see my family so it was so much easier because I am not good at in person personal communication but I get that from my dad. It takes a lot to have a person discussion with anyone but I try to get better at it..
Well I think Lgbt people are more accepting in general... Would it help your anxiety if you would visit things like lgbt book readings... going there and enjoying the atmosphere? Or visiting a play... there are possibly cinema nights... etc... I liked art expositions... you can walk through in your own pace and have a look at the surroundings and the people... possibly having a cup of tea and watching the people... of course there might be some unforseen interaction on any of those events... There are even courses on social anxiety... communication courses... etc... Maybe you could just have some of your wants covered by some people and some by others ?
Starfleet- Thanks. I hope you can find some more supportive friends, too. Your neighbors sound cool even if they don't really "get" it. I think to straight people they don't really understand what goes on internally for those of us who have had to question our sexuality. I know that before I really realized I am gay myself I just kind of assumed that the gay people I knew just "knew" their orientation and did not give much thought to the process involved, though I did know coming out could be quite rough. I'm sorry your friends ditched you, that's absolutely terrible! I think I've been realizing, too, that some of my social anxiety issues stem from LGBT issues, too. When I was younger I blended way less, or people were just more keen to point it out than they are now, and I was teased quite a lot for being different, sometimes even being pinpointed as being lesbian before I even knew I was :/ . That just makes this all the more difficult. Dano- I feel for you. I am glad your parents were accepting, though it sounds like they need to work on their communication skills, too, because clearly they didn't communicate that to you! That was probably a really difficult period to deal with. My parents.. I dunno, it's like they acknowledge something is up but never understand the depth of it, with me, which is partly my own fault as I try hard to hide things from them and everyone. I just don't want to appear vulnerable, nor do I want to be a burden. In the end the result is isolation, though, so I've been slowly working no finding the balance between keeping everything to myself and sharing way too much. I'm glad you were able to communicate better through text. I definitely can, as well. I don't think I could say even 20% of the things I've typed here on this forum aloud to people in my life. I have managed to come out verbally to a few people. I feel better having done it that way. But when it comes to starting conversations since then it's been really tough. jay777- Those are good suggestions, but I have a few stopgaps in the way. I feel I need to come out to all of my friends first before attending public LGBT events. I live in a small area and it's like six degrees of Kevin Bacon here, you run into people you know, or people who know people you know almost everywhere. I don't want to be outed that way before I can speak to them all myself. Which I am getting close to, just not there quite yet. The LGBT meetup groups have some events like that but I feel like they'll still require some conversation or introduction and such before the events start or after. I guess like Starfleet said I can try to take "baby steps" once I'm more "out." I did email the site for a local LGBT center asking about support groups for people in my age range. Hopefully they can refer me to something. The odd thing is that the LGBT center doesn't exist yet, but it appears there is this group (who runs this site) trying to put one together.
Storm - I hear you. I think my LGBT issues are a part of my social problems as well I've *always* felt different, that I've never fit in. Well, my new motto is from Fluttershy on MLP: "Baby steps, Everypony. Baby steps". I think it's great that you contacted the center.
About social anxiety, it may be easier to talk to other gay people, but it doesn't go away anywhere. To express your sexuality and be able to openly talk about it, you need to be completely comfortable with it yourself first. Cause if you're not, even with gay people you could feel embarrassed to talk about your feelings. It seems easy enough when you're typing it on the computer, once you're put in a real life situation, you could panic a little. It can be very awkward when people start talking about their exes and you just sit there and have nothing to contribute to the conversation because you never had a girlfriend. At least that's how I felt when I found myself in that situation and then my social anxiety kicked in really bad. Not saying it has to be like that. If you're lucky, you could meet a genuinely nice group of gay people who won't judge you. So you should take the opportunity and go to some of those casual meetings and see how you like it. I'd probably go, but there's none here.
Yeah, that's exactly why I'd prefer a support group rather than a "hangout" group at the moment. I feel like I'm still in a place where I need to take those "baby steps" and would prefer to be in an environment where it's understood that we'll be dealing with some "stuff," be it from relationships or questioning, or coming out. I know the social anxiety won't disappear and I'm sure it'll be hard regardless of the setting. I'm trying to push myself to be a little more open, though, as a friend said it feels weird to talk about because I'm not used to talking about it, and I can only get used to talking about it by doing so. Easier said than done, of course, but it's the current thought I am keeping to try to help myself progress.
I am pretty isolated as well. While I am out in real life, I can't help feeling a bit alienated by many of the people I meet. I don't fit into a comfortable ideal that people can handle. The people who look and see me and not the difference are few and far between in real life.
Thanks. Communication is always a good no matter if it is through text or email or whatever. My dad has a big problem communicating his feelings. He can hold his feelings back from something that happened a year or two ago than go crazy at you because he had these bad feelings and that someone I try not to be and I am young enough where I can work on always expressing myself in some way so I don't become him. It is not nice to get a phone call from my dad yelling at something I did a year ago. Should of done it than and there. Communication is key and making assumptions or ideas about people without talking with them is a bad thing in our society. Social anxiety needs to be more understood in society because their is such a bad attitude towards shy or people who have anxiety.
alwaysforever- That's rough, sorry you have to deal with that . I'm not sure what people think when they see me but I do know I get treated a little differently because of my height. I don't think I outwardly present as LGBT but as someone under 5ft and very shy I get infantalized a bit. dano- It's good that you have perspective on these traits and are mindful of them so you can work on them, and not take on those negative aspects of your father. My parents and I never really communicated either. Growing up there was always a big divide between the parents and the kids in our house. My mother is very sweet, but she like me is very anxious, so I've kind of realized talking to her about stressful things often leads to *more* stress. My father is kind of like yours in that he can be a volcano, and you never know when or what will cause him to erupt. I don't really expect everyone to cater to my social anxiety, I know it's a problem on my end, not theirs. I agree it would be nice if more people were sensitive to the idea that shyness doesn't always mean someone doesn't *want* to be involved, however. On the other hand, though, I've had to push myself a lot to gain and maintain the friendships I have and I wouldn't have progressed if they just did all the work for me.
Sounds like you are making good progress, Storm. I literally isolated myself for like a year after my friends dropped me, but I'm trying again now. Making friends here, meeting the new neighbors, and it's been very positive.
I used to isolate myself so much when I was depressed, but now I do lots of stuff at school and some stuff with friends. I find that I'm much more socially comfortable when I'm not as anxious.
