I'll start this out by saying that I'm not the easiest person to love. It all stems from a fear of commitment, so I'm hard to pin down with my feelings and dedication to a romantic partner. I've fallen hard twice, and then I've retreated both times, which caused great confusion and hurt. My first girlfriend I actually sabotaged the relationship on purpose. Now that I've painted myself as the villain that I feel like I am most of the time, I'll get to the point. My most recent experience was with a girl who I was very much into and dedicated to. We dated for over a year and both of us felt very much in love. Then I began this process of running from her because we began talking about our future together. In these moments I'm not fearful, I'm very much into what is being said and planned. I feel like I want this, badly, and then when I have time alone or apart from her I begin to get anxious about it, and then I retreat emotionally, and it becomes obvious to a point where I will even try to avoid hanging out. I officially ended things with her when I was picked for the students abroad program and relocated to the states from Reykjavik. Citing the LDR as a good reason to lot let it continue. After a two month period of zero contact, we reconnected and finally had the heart to heart that was needed from the beginning, and we decided to be friends because we did get along in general. By the way, she is very aware of the things I said in my opening statement, she is probably the one who helped me realize this about myself. But I also think she hasn't given up on us being together, and during the months I've been here in the states it's been a roller coaster of us circling about as if we may or may not, only to have me set boundaries again, and her to get all mad and not talk for days at a time. (Yes I know this is sounding like a bunch of adolescent drama, and it is!) The most recent issue was about her saying she can't do this and told me goodbye for good. I responded by understanding, wishing her well, and she didn't deserve to be treated like shit so she was better off. She told me she wanted me to be angry, to give her a final reason to leave, and I didn't. So she is literally mad because I didn't make her mad. *facepalm* So anyway, it still lingers like this. This passive aggressive bullshit that I hate, and yet I'm the cause of it all, and I don't know what I should do.
Hopefully I don't say this in any offensive way (always difficult via text communication vs. talking about it), but do you have a means of perhaps seeing a counsellor and/or psychologist? I totally understand coming here to get input, but sometimes the hardest part is seeking help from a professional who might not only be able to understand what you're dealing with, but also offer proper advice. I was struggling with things last summer personally and I sought help from a psycholgist and while I'm not perfect, I am doing a LOT better than I was then. I might suggest looking into possible counselling or just to talk with someone. I hope this advice helps, of course you don't have to take it, I just wanted to offer suggestions of what has helped me.
Hey Revan, I'm not easily offended so don't worry about that. I don't often seek help for any of my problems. I'm not sure why. My mother says therapy is a privilege and to take advantage of it, but the expense is the bigger problem. I don't feel damaged. I mean, I don't feel like a victim. I actually feel like I'm the victimizer in this situation, which is why it's got me so mixed up as to what to do. I want to treat her better than I have, and yet I know she represents something that I don't want to return too. I feel like I've moved on and she hasn't, and my departure from Iceland was the convenient excuse to end something on good terms and not have to face it. I do occasionally confide in a friend over this stuff but I hate burdening them because they have their own problems they are dealing with, and I default most often to the helper not the helped. I do know that it's therapeutic to talk about it, even if the results are not definitive. I suppose that's why I brought it up here in the first place. I know I don't have it all together, and becoming okay with that is pretty hard because I've spent my life having it all together, or feeling like I have. No one likes to look to intensely into a mirror for fear of what they may see. Thank you for your kind response.
If you are still studying it might be possible for you to get some form of therapy through you school or college without the expense. It’s great that you can recognise your destructive behaviours and knowing you want to treat someone better is great but it sounds as though you still need a bit of help in being able to prevent the behaviour. You may have moved on from the relationship with her but it sounds like in the future when you meet someone else without some help you may find yourself in a similar situation. I think it is possible to be the victim and the offender in some circumstances. Yes your behaviour is destructive to her but you are also destructive to yourself. I’m sure you can make progression for the future.
Okay so an update on this situation. After about a week of giving me the cold shoulder and avoiding me, we have settled into what could be a workable friendship. I hope. At least I'm no longer dreading getting on my instant messenger programs for fear she will corner me into an intensely emotional discussion about past events. We talked last night for the first time in several days, and it was cordial. We joked and got on well for an hour before I decided to not tempt fate any further and needed to get off. I'm really hoping it's a step forward into being just friends and she will be okay with it. I know she still wants more, and part of me feels like I should be the one to distance myself further, but I also don't want to treat her bad or make her think I am trying to avoid her. I've really thought about the therapy thing daily now since Revan and Silver mentioned it and I think I am ready to go for it. I did find a place that offers free services with some limitations, but it's better than nothing. The stupid thing is that this issue is likely to be just the tip of the iceberg. I need an outlet for my emotions. At times I feel like I'm drowning, then I start listening to Scandinavian emo music, which makes American Emo music seems like a sunny day at the park.
I think even if it is just the tip of the iceberg that’s ok. Sometimes you have to start somewhere and a little bit off the top is as good a place as anywhere. Just take it a step at a time.
