Lesbian in a heterosexual marriage.

I feel for you, Flutters. I am afraid though that this is something we all need to decide ourselves. Others can give us advice, we can know what is the right thing to do, but at the end it's all about if our decision and its consequences will make us happy.

Welcome to EC.

 

Flutters,

I've only recently come to terms with my sexuality, and just yesterday came out to my wife... I'm still not sure where we're headed, but it has to be a better place than where we were before. It might not seem like that right now, but I absolutely believe that this was the right decision.

One of the things that I also had to face was my children. Regardless of sexuality, I think that most experts (please note that I am NOT an expert) would say that staying in a relationship purely for the sake of the children is a bad idea. Look at it this way: Are you happy? I think you've already answered that one. Is HE happy? I think that you've answered that one too. I think that a child is better served by having parents who are happy, even if that means that they are apart, rather than having parents who are miserable but together... The fact that the unhappiness in this case (and in mine) doesn't really matter.

 

I relate to your story, Flutters. I knew was not straight as an older teen but older lesbians did not take me seriously at all because I'm so femme. I lived in a smaller city in the south and all the out lesbians were pretty butch. When I went to gay clubs they thought I was a straight "faghag"... I had two relationships with girls who left me for a guy. And I kept getting hit on by guys, so I went out with them. Looking back, I feel like I let other people define my sexuality - it's so different than the way I took control of my education and career. Even the guy I ended up marrying at age 34 was way more into me than I was to him. I thought that would be enough. I am divorced from a man and have a toddler. One difference from your situation is that my ex and I divorced for reasons unrelated to my sexuality & I was never honest with him about my past. My dishonesty about my sexuality probably led me into a relationship with a person who was dishonest about his own past (not sexuality related).

I feel so much better about my life now that I am defining myself and not just reacting / responding to who happens to be attracted to me.

 

Argh, why do straight guys go to gay bars and hit on girls there?? That always used to happen to me when I used to go clubbing. It's so annoying! And I too have felt the sting of rejection form other lesbians who dismissed me because of my femme look.

I'm currently going through a breakup with my partner of 5.5 years. I knew it had to end when I fell in love with a woman I know (unrequited, alas). I'm still not sure if I'm bi or gay but sex with my partner had become non-existent as the idea of it just made me cringe, so I really know how you feel in the "sexless marriage" regard.

Anyway, we don't have children but we do have 2 cats and for me, this has always been our little family and ripping it apart is really hard. Human children are different though, you can explain things to them and they can visit and move between parrents. I read a nice quote on a psychology website the other day, it said "families never really break up, they just restructure".

I can't tell you what the right path is, but if you're sure you're gay, I think you'll be unhappy staying in this marriage. And if you're unhappy, your family will be too.

Big hugs, Flutters. (*hug*)

 

"After I had my daughter was when I really started to notice that something was missing. Sex got to be less and less, until finally I could not do it anymore."

All of what you wrote hit home but the above quote was especially true for me. I was in my heterosexual relationship for three years as well, with a two year old son, the same concerns and struggles. Being blessed with the support of a good man can really make all the difference. I hope you have realized like I did that my needs and happiness are sound matters in life, ones that I ought to pay a little more attention to. Our children know when we are so vastly unhappy. The best thing we can do is love them fiercely and respect them enough to give them the truth. There are ways to redefine your marriage and living situation without disassembling your family. Just remember to take care of yourself as well.
Stay strong.

 

An important question to ask is: can you and your husband stay friends or even close friends but living in different places? That way not only your daughter can go from a house to the other but also you could, from time to time, go together with your daughter somewhere to have fun, i know of divorcees who still get along well, just that there is no sex between them (not a problem in your case, since you are already not having sex) and they dont live together. It would be ideal if you 2 could do this.

 

^

Good point. If the parting of ways is amicable, it might have less impact on your daughter. In fact, some kids from a divorced family could end up in better shape than kids from a nuclear family - one which is either high functioning or dysfunctional. It's not always formulaic but, generally, the less friction, the better.

Has discussion of parting ways already begun? How do you think your husband wants to resolve the situation, that is, if you know?

 

You are very brave, and you have an open and generous heart, which is beautiful. I admire your devotion to your family despite the personal pain you're going through. I'm certain that you will find the right solution and will keep your relationship with your daughter and maybe even your husband, who really does sound like a saint.

 

I don't have any advice but wanted to give you my support. I'm also a lesbian in a heterosexual marriage. It's not an easy road to navigate. But we are strong and smart women. We'll figure it out.