Ever since I was like a toddler I’ve been attracted to femininity. When I could, I would dress up in my sisters clothes and go around the house wearing them, I would watch my mother doing her makeup in the mornings, etc etc. I remember several times, in fact, when my parents had flat out asked if I wanted to be a girl. Of course I said no, I was a kid, I didn’t wanna be rejected by all my friends, I lived in a mud size suburban town and now I live in a small rural village, not typically accepting places. Part of me has always regretted not saying yes. I have also always hated myself. Like everything. I wish I was shorter, I wish I was thinner, I wish I had a better figure, my mouth doesn’t line up perfectly, I don’t like my arms, they’re too skinny but have muscle and it looks gross, I hate all my body hair it’s just ew no, I hate my butt, I hate my nose, I hate my hair, even though I try to grow it it’s just too curly to go down. You get the picture. My boyfriend is trans, which has opened me up to accepting it as just a thing, I don’t really think about it most of the time, and I found out after a while that one of his ex’s is mtf trans, and when I was talking about her with my bf, I kind of got some of what I’ve written here out in the open, but not quite to the same extent. A few months ago, I went over my boyfriends house and did some e beforehand, and his sister and her boyfriends were over. She did my makeup and it was the first time I really felt like myself in a long time. I dunno, might have been the drugs talking. Lol. Normally I am terrified of my parents, what they think of me, what they’ll say to me, they’re not even fully accepting of the fact that I have a boyfriend, let alone a trans one, my dad still refuses to use male pronouns talking about him and it kinda kills me a bit inside, so when if I can avoid it, I don’t bring up these topics. Apparently half a pill changed this, and I went home, pinging like mad, and, though I knew my parents would be pissed off, for once I thought, screw them, I wanna wear makeup. I don’t think I quite realised that they’d be more annoyed that I was high as shit than about the fact I was wearing makeup, but all the same I come through the door after nearly yeeting myself into a car because ecstasy and unresolved mental health issues, and my dad was didn’t seem to give a shit really, but understandably annoyed about the fact that I was mega high, and my mum was like u do u dawg just done do drugs, we had a heart to heart, again, because ecstasy, I’ve always had trouble opening up to people properly, I was diagnosed with aspergers and depression in like year 5, and my parents basically said don’t tell anyone, people will take the piss out of you for it, so I haven’t told many people, like, four maybe? Anyway, a combination of not feeling anything like 24/7 as well as not being to empathise with people results in me feeling pretty dead, and I feel like when I’m on md I feel like how normal people feel, it’s insane. I wish I could be my high self all the time. I feel like I’ve gotten distracted. Anyway, after that I wasn’t clean for like two months or so, everything was fine. Over the half term break I started smoking weed again, and my parents don’t really have a problem with a cheeky doobskin once in a while. Last Friday I went to school wearing makeup for children in need, but let’s be real I just wanna makeup. Friday evening I went out with my mates for the first time in a longggg time. Long story short, did more md, and holy shit have I missed it. Basically me and some mates went round inebriate of our houses, everyone smoked loads of weed, a few did pills, a few drank, a few did acid, a few did coke, most a combination of the above, I basically spent the whole night pinging and making everyone listen to sad music. The come down hit me hard though. First time it’s really happened. Basically I was mega depressed all weekend. I spent the whole weekend watching a show my bf had told me about in pitch darkness field near exclusively by coffee and cigarettes; Euphoria. Now, I loveddd the show, don’t get me wrong, but it hit a little too close to home. I was able to draw parallels with one too many things in the show with my own life. Watching the show though, one thing really stuck out to me; Jules. I mean sure she’s like one of the most important characters, but I 100% wish I could be her. And watching her little backstory episode, when she stars transition at 13, I think to myself, that could have been me had I only taken the leap of faith instead of being a little bitch. Thing is though, for the whole weekend all I wanted to do was get high again, do anything, I don’t wanna have to think about this shit, I don’t wanna have to think about anything, I just want those two seconds of nothing that gets talked about in the show because it is the best feeling and unless you know what it’s like you wouldn’t understand, but just forever, not two seconds. I dunno. The thing is, as much as I’d be happy being born the girl my parents wanted, i wouldn’t say I’m uncomfortable as a male. Like, I don’t dislike being male. I dislike some of the baggage associated with being male in the 21st century, but I can live with it, it’s not like I’ve done anything wrong. I mean, I kind of have. I inadvertently fall into the category of toxic masculinity, not being able to deal with my emotions responsibly and trying to find solace in substance. I don’t know exactly how coherent that is and I cannot be bothered to edit it down, but tl;dr: I hate myself, I wanna be high all the time, I’m jealous of trans women but I don’t mind being a guy. That probably doesn’t even make sense. I don’t know what I want to gain from this, if I want some kind of advice or help, how to feel normal, how to deal with whatever this mess is, or if I just wanna get this out into the open and I don’t care if somebody ever sees it, if I just wanna get his weight of my chest. I don’t know. Probably all of the above. Whatever.
