This is letter I just sent to the few people to whom I am out. These are just my thoughts...I hope I don't offend anyone.... Hello All… I spent several hours yesterday watching a video of the Pride Parade in Los Angeles. I was impressed and disturbed…and disturbed that I was disturbed. I’ve worn the mask of a straight guy since I made the decision to do so at age 15. 1965 was not a good time to come out and at that time I didn’t even know what coming out meant, I doubt I’d even heard the phrase. In the last year and a half I have taken off that mask to just a few people…those of you to whom I’m now writing and recently to my wife. (It went incredibly well) Nonetheless, I was overwhelmed by the parade. Jacob…when I said I wasn't ready for the Boise Parade I didn’t know how much truth I was speaking. You see…I thought I had taken off the mask, at least in certain situations, but I discovered that parts of it are still attached. It appears that acting straight for 55 years has “trained” me like Pavlov’s Dogs to react in certain ways when I see certain things. I thought I was better than that, but I guess not yet. The completely over-board clothing (straight view) and/or almost complete lack of clothing (again-straight view) was just more than I could handle for over two hours. I’m angry with myself, but I’m starting to realize that pretty much no one can really do a 180 degree turn even in 18 months. This lead me to think of others who are straight and are suddenly having to deal with LGBQT family and friends. I think sometimes we criticize too quickly (not always!!). It’s just not that easy to change long-held views, even if they weren’t strongly homophobic in the first place. I watch my wife closely…she has now had about two weeks to deal with the fact that her husband is gay. I’ve had decades and still am having trouble. Please think of this as you deal with those around you. Our country is changing, but it’s tough for some people even when they are willing and accepting. I keep working to learn who I really am because you see I have learned that in those long years I now know that I not only hid from the world, I also hid from myself. If tears are any indication of a good email, this must be a doozie!
Hey Quebec, The first thing you have to do is find the time/strength/guts to go to a Pride event, in person. You will see exactly how the media provides a microscope perspective, that focuses on the outrageous, but that serves and informs no one particularly well as to what is really going on. If you go, and I strongly encourage you to, you will see that the vast, and I mean vast majority of people who go are dressed normally and are well-behaved. More importantly, you will see yourself there, the person that you are, and you will among the family that you belong to...
Great white....thanks for the reply....the video I watched was actually by one of the gay youtubers that I subscribe to. And yes, the vast majority of people were completely "normal". But there was enough of the other that it trigger a response that shocked me. I thought I was beyond that, but I find that what is in my head isn't yet completely in my heart. That's why I became so upset with myself. And that lead me to realize that I have a ways to go yet, that I haven't yet overcome 55 years of hiding as straight. I have work to do...but at least I now realize better just how far I've come and that I still have a ways to go.
quebec, all the lgbt folks I have met in real life so far (including myself) act and dress very normal. We all have careers that seem to be going somewhere. We are the type of people 'you can bring home to your family' so to speak. Sure I have a biased sample (I am around graduate students and young professionals) but I don't think it is unrealistic. I understand the media portrayal of stereotypical gay people (very promiscuous lifestyle, very outrageous clothing and no career whatsoever) and I am so glad that's not the type of people I have encountered in my experience.
To be quite honest, that aspect of gay culture (if you can even call it that, since it's just some people but everyone thinks it represents the whole gay community) does't appeal to me very much, but one thing I do love is seeing other people be happy and if something so harmless as dressing in flamboyant clothes (or undressing!!) makes some people so immensely happy, I can rock with that. Just think of it like that.
quebec, good for you for going along and for trying to be open-minded, even though it's a bit of a shock for you. I think as LGBT people, we sometimes think that coming out means we'll immediately find "our people" and feel like we belong. In reality, LGBT are as diverse as any other group of people. You make a good point about people sometimes needing a little bit of time and patience to deal with things we've already had years to process internally. Not to say that I think homophobia is justified or that we should put up with abuse, but it doesn't hurt to show a little bit of understanding while people get used to the idea. There's no need to look down on the people who express themselves differently to you. We have enough homophobes doing that for us without engaging in it ourselves.
Thanks for the comments everybody. As I said, I'm angry with myself for a reaction that I did not expect. It just shows my that I have more to learn! Yes, these are "my people", but like someone who has been away from "home" for a long time, it's taking me longer to adjust than I thought. Especially since I've never actually been home before! In my head I have great appreciation for people who have gone out in public and got the attention of the rest of society - even when they had to go "over-board" to do it. They were/are the ones who have helped make it possible for the rest of to see light at the end of the tunnel. I've just got to overcome so many years of wearing the mask and acting in "acceptable" ways. I need to move my head knowledge to my heart...it's happening although I can now see that I've got to work harder at getting to know My People!
Quebec I am going to go to a pride event in my little town next week. I have similar concerns that I will feel very out of place. But, the activities are, actually, things I might do anyway. My town is a Mecca for outdoor activities. But, I understand your feelings. I am going one day with my wife and one without to see if that matters. I see it, simply, as a way to continue to explore my sexual orientation. Some things will fit. Some will not. Learning can be fun if we try not to take it too seriously.
