Knocked down right out of the gate

So a divorce should be completely out of the question, then...as should discussing your sexuality in any way with the kids (particularly without your consent). Has she looked into the effect of divorce on children vs. the effect of an LGBT parent on children?

I was glad to read your update, that she is being more civil, talking to you, etc. That at least is hopeful. I just wish I'd noticed this thread and commented earlier...I'm really sorry this has been so hard on you.

She is being rather unfair in her judgments and suspicions. Yes, it is reasonable that she would worry that you'd been unfaithful or that you might be indicating (by coming out) that you're thinking about doing so. But to be convinced this is happening/has happened really indicates a lack of trust that doesn't sound remotely reasonable. Was your relationship prior to coming out good/solid? Did you communicate well and enjoy one another's company generally? How long have you been together?

You are, after all, the same person you ever were. She simply now knows something about your sexual taste that she didn't know before. Once she realizes this, I think she rather owes you an apology, frankly.

But I suspect her concerns are mostly out of ignorance...when a spouse comes out as bi, it is easy (and fairly natural) to worry whether they are in fact gay (which could reasonably lead to an end to the relationship, at least eventually). So she's struggling with whether this announcement is the beginning of the end...and if not, then what *is* it the beginning of? There are also the bisexual stereotypes about promiscuity, etc. ...and she could easily be (consciously or unconsciously) applying these to you. Is she seeing a therapist?

My big recommendation would be to get you both to the *same* therapist, who has experience working with couples, and some specialized knowledge of LGBT issues. Your wife needs real information (and I'm sorry to say she's not in a position to receive it from you). I would insist on this prior to any divorce proceedings (unless you also want to terminate the marriage). She does not sound like she's processing this information rationally.

 

Everyone here has posted rich, thoughtful, compassionate responses. I can't add anything much but to say I'm glad you came on here to talk about it.

I 2nd OnTheHighway's thought. You have been living your whole life for them and now maybe, just maybe you see a glimmer of something, and that prompted you to be honest with your wife. I think you were brave to tell her and to see what may happen from that knowledge. I'm sorry her reaction was so poor.

In my own journey through the minefield of coming out Later in Life I endlessly researched midlife crisis, and much of a midlife crisis, with or without an out of the closet aspect, involves people pushing their emotions and feelings down and doing what is right and what is expected. And suddenly or little by little, the emotions and feelings surface, whether you want them to or not.

I'm not diagnosing you with midlife crisis, I'm just saying that some of us on this forum have been so out of touch with ourselves for many years, and we cannot deny ourselves. Even if we wanted to. Even if we had no idea we were denying ourselves until it surfaced.

Now your wife is aware and I hope that you don't regret telling her too much. It wasn't something you said to hurt her, it was something you shared of yourself. She can choose to reject that part of you or accept it, and now you know better what kind of a person she is. I'm sorry she caused you pain and I'm sorry for the ups and downs. I think you are brave and I am glad you shared your story, because I feel so alone sometimes being married and LGBT.

 

Typically one tries to manage the process by telling people in the following order, the thought process is that it's better for people higher on the list to hear the message from you and that you begin to lose control once you start telling friends and acquaintances.

1. Spouse
2. Children
3. Family of origin
4. Friends

While ideally your wife should have looped you in before sharing the news with others, it's possible that she shared the news because she needed support. Hopefully the people your wife shared the news with will keep this in confidence while you come to others in a more orderly fashion.

 

My ex outed me to her mom, her siblings, two coworkers.......fortunately I had reached the point I just don't care anymore. I get that she needed people to talk to about it, so whatever.

 

Yeah I think there is a gender split here---I tell my friends a lot of things and my husband tells his friends nothing.

 

I am not so sure it's such a bad thing, gives her a much needed outlet. That said, I would consider asking her to limit the disclosure going forward.