Katchoo's home thread

I'm feeling sad that my friendship with S is fading. It kind of was before, but moreso since I came out to her and some other people. She's the one who pressured me to tell our supervisors and then j6st a few days later pressured me to tell L.

I think maybe a few things might be going on.

One, she just doesn't think sexuality is as big of a deal. She came out as bi when I came out to her. And she doesnt get why im not comfortable telling friends. Or, "friends".

I wonder if she felt like in the past I was hiding my concervative opinions from her and secretly jusding her. Coming out for me was also about explaining my uber concervative upbringing and attempts for years to follow all the rules, though thats basically fallen apart now. Maybe she feels like she cant trust me because at various points she was talking about atheism and fetish conventions and I jever shared about myself? Not sure.

Maybe what im going through just seems to foreign to her, or maybe im too much like work. Maybe she is going through her own crap. Idk.

It makes me feel sad.

 

Looks like that Buddha book is just $10 on Audible. I'll put it on my list.

 

Morgana (I <3 your sn btw),

Thanks for sharing that. Yeah, I know the inner workings of baptist life a little too well, and it can be kind of gag inducing. I'm sorry you were treated so badly. People can be such ass holes. I've kind of been interested in Wicca, but I don't really know where to start learning about it. I kind of suspect I would like to have their stuff and rituals without really having their beliefs. Is there like a podcast or something? Hope that's not disrespectful to ask.

Bunny, I'm so glad you caught that mistake!!! Aaaahh!! Bad fiesta!!

---------- Post added 26th Apr 2016 at 01:01 AM ----------

When I started here and with my therapist about 2 months ago, one of my goals was to figure out what I want regarding sexuality, identity, etc. Here's where I stand on that at the moment.

-I think that I do want to be like really out. I mean, maybe not to my clients unless it's specifically relevant. But, I'ld like to be able to bring a girl to a work Christmas party without any weird feelings or euphamistically calling her my "friend".
-I want to come out to my family sooner rather than later. Right now I'lm considering next month, after my cousin's wedding is overwith.
-I want to date girls, like really try to find someone. I have a lunch date Saturday. That's a little sooner than I expected to be doing this, but, hey, I'm excited (in addition to nervous).
-Lol, I actually do think I want my friend to throw me a little coming out party with a I Like Ladies type cake. Maybe after I tell my family? That will probably be mildly traumatic, so I could be about cake then.

What else, on this topic anyway....

I want to go to Atlanta Pride in October. And at comic cons this year, I want to cosplay intentionally gender bent and/or queer characters.

Maybe by the end of the year, I think I would even want to be facebook out. I'm not committed to that one right now, but, like I said, I think I want to be out-out-out. Might take me til the end of the year to be ok with talking to my church people about all this, and I think that being willing to talk to them would be a prereq for being facebook out.

This week I found out that a lady from my old church has a child who is trans and claims them publicly in a supportive way. I might talk to her first. I emailed with her about work stuff a couple months ago, so maybe she would be a good place to start.

---------- Post added 26th Apr 2016 at 01:11 AM ----------

Late night fear reaction.

I'm not exactly counting on inheritance from my family, but wondering if I would get disinherited. That is an actual thing where we're from. Mom thought her mom would disinherit her just for drinking during college....

And, I know this isn't the end all be all, but it would make me really sad if my family didn't give me any more birthday presents or whatever. I don't know why that's such a big deal to me. Part of me wants to try to get an early present before I come out.... That's kinda shallow and dumb, I know, but I feel it. .... I really wish dad would buy me a grill for my birthday so I could cook burgers. Again, I know that'ls kind of shallow. No more birthday gifts would be a real love disconnect in my family. Maybe that's why it makes me nervous, in addition to me really likeing getting stuff and money. :-/

 

I'm supposed to be up finishing work stuff, but that'ls not happening. I'lm just sitting around imagining ways to make coming out to my family more fun. One of my thoughts right now is to put presents in the mail right after the coming out phone calls. Stuff like "I Love My Gay Sister" magnets. Maybe rainbow or funfetti cookies of some kind. These socks that I love. Mom might not know what to do, but she would like comfy, cute socks. Extraordinary Radiant Rainbows Dreamer Socks - Sock Dreams

Ok. I have like 15 min of work to make myself do, then I am allowed to make a Coming Out Gifts pinterest board.

Also, there will have to be a Pride Apparel pinterest board for myself. I need me some earrings. Lol.

 

Blarg! Got the crushing feels so much!

 

Even though I'm having better feelings about all the change, it's still stress. And it's taking up HUGE amounts of mental RAM. Constant vampire background program of my brain.

 

Today is full of anxiety and body symptoms of anxiety and up to now unproductiveness. I shall take control of my day and change it. For the rest of the day, inside my mind, I shall be Captain Taking Charge of Shit Bitch, Queen of Baddassery.

 

Haha, always a cape.

Today I'lve felt crapy, but, a cool thing happened. :-D

Most of my therapy clients are little bitty kids. I have one teenage girl I have worked with for over two years on various things. Today she came out. And, I was so excited for her! And it was cool to see her proud of herself and ok. She wants help figuring out how to come out to her parents. It was real hard to not make her session all about me but I was so happy to be happy for her. And I am SOOOO grateful that I have been doing my own work on this, or else there's no way I would be able to be fully supportive of her in this. I've wondered for her many times in the past but just thought I was projecting my own stuff. Nice that I wasn't. I kind of wonder, too, if there'ls something about me going through this myself that has opened me up in some way that helped her know this would be a good time to tell me. Not sure. Just feels really nice to be on the other side of this equation.

 

Thanks, Jedi!


And now for something completely different...

I am finding myself wanting to process the general coming out to myself etc, the wanting to come out to my family, the religion thing, and the texting with this girl and hopefully seeing her on Saturday... In person, I'm not talking to any one person about all those things.

My bi friend M who is kind of my coming out coach, I haven'lt talked to her about this girl K at all. I feel really weird about that. She'ls had a shitty week, and I have only seen her in person once in like 6 days, normally multiple times per day.

I have called/messaged a couple of friends who I known from church situations to talk about religion. One of them I'lm not out to at all, and I couldn'lt manage to bring that up, too. The other one, I was able to express some religious doubt, but not as much as I'm really in a place to throw Christianity out the window and embrace my sexuality all the time everywhere.

I feel like I'm processing everywhere just a little bit, and it'ls kind of driving me crazy, to not have it all in once place, but, lord, what magical unicorn of a person would be equipped for all the different conversations I need to have? I'lm grateful to post here, but, I think y'all understand the difference of people you know in real life.

I feel pretty good about sharing most things with my therapist. My limits.... I feel like I don't want to make her think I'm a bad therapist. Like, if I'm too screwed up she'll somehow judge that I shouldn'lt do my job. Eh, that'ls me projecting my own insecurities. I don['lt think things like that about my clients. And she'ls not a judgy person. The other limitation to processing well with her is that she doesn't seem to hear me saying that I'm not sure if I can do Christianity at all. She keeps implying I should just be part of a gay affirming church, and I don'lt think she hears me on that my problems with Christianity are different than just whether or not they are ok with me being gay. Ugh. I don't know. I think I just need to figure it out for myself... Maybe I just need to relegate religion to a back burner issue for a while, like, til August or something. I'm just.... Arg. I feel very tangled up inside.

And.... I wanted to talk to my coming out cheerleader friend about the date in person. But, I think I just need to tell her via messenger tonight. That will help. I just feel too fragmented and compartmentalized, and that feels too much like being in the closet. Gotta not do that. Gotta be my authentic self and stuff.

 

My personal therapy today was really good. It was nice to say some good things that are going on and ways that I'm moving towards my goals. She (the therapist) kept zooming in on shame that I have about adhd. I found myself not wanting to talk about that because today that shame topic is actually more painful than the gay shame. I found myself being a little angry that I'm trying to reduce the number of topics I'm dealing with, and she was pointing out another one. Oh, well. It's all connected, and is relevant.

I did not, however, talk about the date, either with my friend or with my therapist. I need to do that. Bust through the shame, like demolition with a sledge hammer. Hiding makes more shame. Gotta break out of the hiding..... I don't wanna..... But I can! Don't want to. Should? I hate should. Um, I'll ponder a better reason than should.

 

Oh, I forgot to share the Self Talk Quote of the Day from yesterday.

I slapped some foundation and lipstick on after my own therapy, before going to see a client. I heard my brain say, "Oh, no, am I putting on this makeup to pass for straight?"; I heard my brain reply, "No, I'm putting it on so my face will be all one color."

Not everything is about being gay.

---------- Post added 29th Apr 2016 at 09:18 AM ----------

I'm running later than intended this morning, but at least I feel like a human. Today I can manage to actually do things on the to do list. The world feels ok.

I wanted to process last night a bit about why I'm not telling anyone I have a date on Saturday.

It bothers me that I'm not telling them because it'ls the kind of shame pattern I had when I was dating guys. I didn'lt want to talk to anyone about it because I thought it was embarrassing. When my high school friends would gush about their guy crushes, I was embarrassed for them and wanted to save them from shame by somehow getting them to shut up. I don't like that I seem to still have the same pattern right now. I don'lt know why I thought this would magically be different just becauseI can admit I want to touch someone's boobs, lol. So, I would like to communicate more openly to have a different pattern than the embarrassment and shame I had when trying to date boys.

One reason I'm afraid to tell someone is I'm afraid that they would say it'ls a terrible idea. I don'lt know how I would react if they indicated that. Would I flake tomorrow? (ohemgee, tomorrow!) I don't want to flake. I don't think going fast, diving into a giant relationship, or just messing around/experimenting physically is right for me right now. But, having flirty lunch and talking about nerdy things with a girl who likes girls and knows I like girls.... That feels really good.... Maybe we're back to the same thing? I'm worried about someone telling me what I *should* do? .... I think one reason that *should* is so infuriating to me is that I have trouble standing up to it. Like, if someone tells me I should this or should that, I tend to try to do it and make them happy. If I can avoid the shoulds, I can avoid the people pleasing. I want to be in charge of my own process. I want to drive the damn car, breaks, acellerator, the whole thing, mine. When I know what other people think, it's sometimes very hard for me to stand up for myself and "do me". .... This makes a lot of sense. Like, when I was trying to do the celebate Christian thing, I felt like I had to keep my sexuality a secret because I didn't want people to say, "You should just get a girlfriend," because I felt like I wouldn't hold my ground on my convictions if I had any social pressure to the contrary. There's a similar feeeling here. Maybe I want this to be my thing just to make sure the I do what is right for me instead of involving weird social pressure. I don't feel unsafe on this date. Getting sandwiches and comic books is not really a thing I need to prep a friend to potentially rescue me from. .... So, it's ok. I think what I want is to be genuinely myself, making my own decisions. I feel that going on a date now is potentially controvercial because I'm so early in this process. But this feels really right, and I don'lt want to risk anyone talking me out of it. Hopefully someday I'll develop so that I can be true to myself without worrying what other people think. I'm not there right now, and I'm ok.

*sigh of releif*

Ok. That helped. I'm feeling better.

Plan. Eat yogurt. Spend a couple minutes in the hammock. Clean the cat boxes. Go see all the clients. Ican be a person today!

 

Driving to the date! Ah! Nervous!

This nervous feels better than when I've gone on dates with guys. It's more giddy nervous and less terror that makes me pull out my eyebrows. Eyebrows are intact.