Hi everyone, I made a post here around the 28th of November and decided to take babysteps. Today the babystep is posting here again. I've made huge steps in facing my fears I'm not quite there yet but I am more resilient now at least. Why am I talking about fears? Well because I just can't seem to stop being afraid of the idea of fooling myself: Any and all information I can find about it does seems to point towards me being trans. Yes I would press that button no regret. No I would not press the button that would change me back to my old self. When I think about it. Accepting I might be trans. Just the thought of being turned into a woman makes me so happy. Today I tried on a necklace to see how it would look on me and I absolutley loved how it looked on me. I wanted nothing more then to tell my best friend about it yesterday. To discusss it with him in great detail. Unfortanetley He was not available at that point in time. Yet, despite all that. I still can't stop being afraid that I am just fooling myself. Why? Well, I am for starters afraid of having my own oppinnion. Of making my own judgements. This due to how I grew up. I had a person in my household that would beat me up if I disagreed with them. Wether I was right or not. Other people that were supposed to help me. Constantly told me that I was wrong, oblivious, in denial. Whenever I told them that I didn't work how they thought I worked. It has left me feeling like my oppinion doesn't matter. Like whatever decission I might make it is the wrong one. That I have no clue what I actually want or how I actually am. I don't want to make a decision. Because I am gonna make the wrong one anyways. Because people are gonna be mad at me again. The seccond reason is because I have had a pretty traumatic experience that lasted several years. That left me scared of changing anything about myself. Scared that I am just gonna drive myself crazy with fear. It took me 3 years but I managed to get to the part where I don't let the fear completly boss me around anymore. But it still goes with ups and downs. I just wish I could just stop being scared. Just accept that I like the idea of becomming a woman and do something about it already. But for now it is holding me back. anyways sorry for the long rant with kinda heavy details. I just wanted to get it off of my chest.
I'm sorry about the difficult time you experienced in your childhood. I can see similarities to my own. I was beat, but it was when I didn't listen and do what I was told. It was how the times were back then. I'm not exusing it though, not anymore. I have learned a lot about how it really should have been and what is right and wrong or what is toxic. I've experienced violence since early childhood too thanks to alcohol consumption from people around me then, luckily I guess this violence was never directed at me, but I saw a lot of fights and drunkards were scaring me. My opinions were never really taken into consideration. Such an enviroment does leave it's scars and my therapist told me that a lot of my issues do come from my home enviroment, like forgetfulness. When it comes to doubting, then it's normal process within transgender people. I still have doubts, even though I'm so close to starting with Testosterone. I told myself that I refuse to be everyone's marionette, like my mom is. It's my body and only I decide what is best for me, whether others like it or not is their own problems. I'm not in charge of other peoples fears or thoughts. I just want to be happy once in my lifetime and I hope Testosterone and being true to myself helps with it a little. It took me 25 years to come out to myself and 2-3 years to others thanks to all of my fear. It's possible to overcome them.
Thanks for your reply Rayland, It sucks that you had to go through trauma of your own like that. Though I am glad you managed to get to a point where you are now able of living how you want to live and be happy. I am (hopefully) getting there myself asswell. For now I am still so scared and that makes it harder for me to have oit clear what I want and don't want. For you see when I get really scared this fear can project itself onto things I do actually want/enjoy doing and if I don't react to that in the right way it can cause me to become "Permanently" scared of something I actually really enjoyed doing before that. Even the smallest amount of doubt can feel very scary at this point. I do think I want to be trans though. Because when I think about becomming a woman. I do feel some fear but I also feel excitement and happiness. Where as with the other fears. I just feel scared and nothing more. It is getting better. I am now capable of doing a lot of things that seemed impossible before. I just wish I could just ge the end part already.
You're welcome and thank you. I'm getting there. It's a slow process for sure and waiting is frustrating, but you will get there. Have faith in yourself. Have you been to therapy at all or have any access to it? It can be very helpful with processing and analyzing your fears and yourself or been in the lgbt+ center, they have support groups and advisors usually.
I do try to have faith in myself and not listen to the part of me that was to run away screaming. It can be hard though. As for Therapy. I have had therapy for most of my life. Unfortanetley I was however mislabeled and once you have a label it's near impossible to get rid of it. Or get the therapist to look at anything else that might possibly be wrong. Instead I constantly get to fight stereotypes that they assume about me that just aint right. I get to constantly get told that I work a certain way. Only for me to tell them that I just don't work that way and for them to answer: "You're in wrong, in denial, oblivious, your condition works in mysterious ways". It's beyond frustrating. I do however have an appointment sson with the nurse practitioner of my general practitioner. They want to see if they can help me fix that problem. Because they too feel. That in this part the mental health practicioners are seriously dropping the ball in general.
