So today I feel extra down. I have ups and down often, who dosnt. I had a good day yesterday with a few friends and today I just have a lot of hate for life. I am pretty darn sure I am gay. I can say it to myself with hesitation, I think it out or play i out how aspects of my life will be knowing this. Such as relationships and thinking about what others think of it. I am not out to anyone. Its pretty lonley in a closet. I have said I want to tell my close friends hundreds of times and I have had the opportunities to but somethin at the moment just stops me then the whole night feels off. Being in the closet and trying to associate with people is getting harder. My increasing anxiety makes me feel like my friends might be out to get me in a sense, like they do something that makes me feel like they are trying to push some kind of boundry or make me come out or out me somehow. Im sure they wonder what my deal is. And the people who are always concerned about if I have a girlfriend, why... I don't know what to do in that case, I can't fake it like some can. Is the extreme social anxiety steming from this closeting? where I think far ahead about the small things and change the path I take in the store to avoid confrontation for an example. I don't even feel like I would want to talk to a counsler about it. But I so bad want to associate with others about that aspect of my life. I know its not all that I am, gay is very little. I have a great job that I love working as contruction materials testing. Me and my friends get along great most of the time, I don't feel that awkwardness when its just the few I trust but the anxiety takes over hard when someone new is around, especially straight guys and girls who I percieve may try to come onto me. I have a strong dislike of these feelings that are taking over my life and making me think of things that I should not be thinking of. Like hurting ones self. because I don't have it bad in life but I can't help it and I feel so selfish.:bang: I am just venting mostly because I don't do that.
