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Judging "boyfriend" for being too "feminine" - I know I shouldn't

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Crisalide, Mar 8, 2021.

  1. Crisalide

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    I'm silently judging my "boyfriend" / lover / date (? undefined relationship) for being too peaceful and somehow feminine. I know I shouldn't. I should know better. Heck, I'm a transguy, and not the most masculine type. I wear nail polish and stuff, come on. Why am I judging a man for not being stereotypically masculine?
    I never told him what I think about these features of his personality. And I want to stop being irritated and scandalised, before the judgment slips out of my mouth in a blurt of anger. Nobody deserves to be criticised for who they are, I should know it perfectly at this point. I don't want to hurt or insult him.
    So I must understand where my irritation is coming from.
    I often find androgynous people fascinating, even sexy. From a distance. I see a pic of a long-haired guy with androgynous clothes, and I often want to emulate him. Or bang him. But in real life, I guess I don't understand androgynous guys. In general, I don't go along well with women, especially if they are very feminine in personality. I chat with them and some are close friends, but it feels like coming from very different countries. Norway and Saudi Arabia. Most of my friends are "non feminine females". I'm talking about mindset, not physical gender expression. I've often ended up in "feminine environments" at work; most of the colleagues were females and unconsciously expected me to behave like one, with a warm communication style, gossips, pleasantries. I wasn't able to do so, and I fear that it made me an underperforming office and social worker. So, every time I find a male colleague / friend, I run towards him to make friendship... and find out that he's feminine too! That he goes along more with women than men. That he has all the skills to communicate smoothly with the colleagues of my sex. I search for safety from walking on eggshells with women, but in the end he's just another egg.
    The same with sex. I'm bisexual, but I don't have much luck with women. I tend to like more women physically, and men romantically. But it happened more often that I had sex with men. At least, I feel mentally at ease with them. But all the guys I liked revealed a feminine, almost motherly side at some point. One guy used to cook for me, with a motherly anxiety for making me eat enough, and told people around that I was his "girlfriend", despite the fact that on the first date I came out to him as trans and warned that I didn't want a relationship, just sex. Another one complained all the time that men are insensitive, cold, rough and shallow, and judged them when they behaved in a stereotypically masculine way. He judged me for "scaring" him because my face was expressionless while I was concentrated in planning a train trip, and for being a silent non-chatty person.
    And this last one. He's such a peaceful guy. With a positive attitude... too positive and "simple". Alway finding the positive side of a fact, while I just want to vent. As if life were a smooth, pacific trip, where you don't get stabbed in the feelings and there's no need to fight just for gaining a decent place in the world. He's vegetarian and eats food "without food": with soy instead of milk, with no sugars, with no fats, with no-nothing. Such a hipster. He has a delicate digestion. And in bed... he's too delicate. But I never dared to told him so. I don't want to humiliate him. But it slipped out of my mouth that I wanna learn to hunt one day; on the same day that he told me to be vegetarian, whoops. When I do sports, I'm in an aggressive mood, like some car drivers. I don't throw anger at people in real life and I'm against wars, but I believe that anger is a natural instinct in humans and it's useful while doing sports (if controlled). And I also believe that sports are a simulation of war. Animal cubs play with each other to get prepared for hunting in adult life, and humans in history have invented sports because that's propedeutical to war. Lately, while I go running, I fantasise about getting angry at my "boyfriend" for being "without balls", for treating me too tenderly, for having too positive vibes, for being a vegetarian hipster. And I don't know how to stop this mood.
    I'm the last person with the right to judge people for how much they're feminine or masculine. Usually my friends like the fact that I'm a listener who doesn't judge. So, I'm disturbed by irritation. And I want it to stop.
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    One of the many regrets that I do have in life was that when I was about the same age that you are I was the same way about men that you are describing. It caused me to judge a man that I was seeing - he was vegan, a crossdresser and very peaceful. It took me many years but I now assiduously avoid toxic men because they have always made me feel unsafe. In fact for years I avoided men at all and only attempted relationships with women.

    I am not sure how to advise you on changing your attitude towards him. In reading over what you say about him he sounds like a wonderful person, exactly the type of person I would want to be with. For similar reasons I was drawn to my current boyfriend, we started as friends and as I got to know him I just felt safe around him.

    I do not want to judge and this is just a feeling or vibe that I get. It seems to me that you have absorbed the idea from society that to be male you must be toxic. Have you ever explored these angry, aggressive feelings in therapy?
     
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  3. PatrickUK

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    In a world where toxic masculinity is so prevalent and damaging it takes real strength for a man to go against that trend. It takes real strength of personality to live to a different set of values and build healthy social, romantic and sexual relationships. So many men are faking it these days; going with the flow and behaving in a boorish and aggressive way to avoid standing out from the crowd. It's literally killing some men and it's killing some of the people who have to live with and amongst these men.

    Maybe you need to look at it from a different angle and see where the real strength lies. Is it easy for a feminine gay guy to live and love in that kind of world? No it isn't, and yet they do. The don't fake it to conform and take everyone down with them in the process, but live to their own values and demonstrate real authenticity in human relationships. Isn't that what a man should do? Are these not the sort of men we should appreciate a lot more?
     
    Phoenixaaa, gravechild and QuietPeace like this.
  4. Crisalide

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    Yes, I know it's brave to be a non-stereotypically-masculine man. And I appreciate that... from a distance. In theory.
    I have also suffered because my father (amd my relatives in general) don't believe that therapy is useful. I was denied help when I was asking it, and if it weren't for welfare-paid therapy I wouldn't be here alive today. And I guess that one of the reasons for my father's non understanding was toxic masculinity.
    So... I know you're right. And I esteem androgynous and feminine guys. But I find it hard to relate to them in real life. Despite being a non conforming gender-mess myself.
    I know that feminine guys are brave to reveal themselves that way. And that many men are instead faking roughness and have toxic masculinity. But... when I talk about the aggressive side of my personality... I'm not faking it. I find it natural. On the contrary, I have to hide it in social life the most I can, or I will hurt people.
     
  5. Crisalide

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    I didn't explore them. :/ Therapy is finished, now. We mostly explored my upbringing and relationship with my parents. I was raised in a very judging, emotionally abusive environment. And I come from the working class. Life wasn't easy for my parents themselves. Their own parents were aggressive alcoholics, or aggressive almost-alcoholics. So uhm... it's a long chain of suffering from one generation to another.
    But I guess I broke that chain. I chose to go to therapy ("unbelievable weakness"). I'm not physically violent anymore (the last time I hit someone, I was 13 years old). I'm not aggressive with children; I play fight with them and physically block them if they run too far away in the park while I babysit them, but I would never punish them with physical violence, not even my hypothetical future children (while my relatives use physical punishment).
    So... the main issue explored in therapy was judgment by my parents, and judging myself, for... "personal failure". I had clinical depression for a pair of years and my studies have been interrupted for it. I could't find a job and my life was frozen. My task was to realise to be worth of respect and even love, even during a personal crisis. Because I was loved (temporarily, unstably) only as a successful / smart / beautiful child.
    But we didn't explore aggressive feelings, because they have never been a problem in my relationships. I don't even shout at people. I am calm, apparently. One thing we talked about, was difficulty in non verbal communication. My therapist suspected that I'm in the autism spectrum; but I nevet went to the specialised centre for ASD diagnosis, fearing that it would cost too much.