I am new. I registered a week ago right after finding this site and I have been reading numerous posts since then. I feel its my turn to tell my story and get some advice on what to do. I always knew I was gay. Ever since my earyl stages of puberty, I always seemed to have an eye for my male peers versus my female counterparts. Nevertehless, I thought it was just a phase and I would grow out of. I participated in mulitple sports and was very good at a few. I concentrated on football (American) and track in high school. I am very masculine (I scored a 30% on the "gay" test). Yet, during my senior year of high school, my repressed sexual identity started to fight back. I am a huge movie buff, so I get into the oscars every year. I went to see Brokeback Mountain. My excuse for seeing it was because it was critically acclamied and nominated, and I see every film with this buzz no matter what its content is. (However, I was secretly excited about being able to see a film about gay cowboys) I saw the film and was actually kind of upset by it's slow-pace even though I thought it was great. However, I sank into a deep depression the second after leaving the theater. I felt destroyed by the story. I have never been so emotionally involved in a movie before. I felt deeply sorry for Ennis and I feared I would become him. At this point, I finally admitted to myself that I was gay because of this reaction to the movie. I also knew I couldn't stay closeted forever. I decided I should finally come out. Some things are easier said than done. I didn't do anything towards coming out due to fear of rejectment from my extremely homophobic football friends. I got into college, graduated, and attened orientation, where I met John. John is very similar to me. We never spoke a word to each other about our sexualities, but I had a feeling he was gay. Orientation ended, I looked him up on facebook, and he has the "interested in" section missing. (I don't like to use online profiles as an indicator for ANYTHING, but I became very happy by this) He had every other section filled out except this one, so I immidiately believed he was in the situation I was in. He knew he was gay so he wasn't going to claim he was straight, but he did not want to come out either. I grew attached to him over the remainder of the summer. I never saw him or contacted him online or otherwise, but I thought about him constantly; I was having a middle-school crush. College started, and everything I expected would happen didn't. We ran into each other a few times, where we only exchanged a few words. I was too petrified to say anything to him about this. I made friends and rarely saw John, but I thought about him constantly. One of these friends is Jane. I have never had a deeper connection with anyone I can recall. She is very similar to me in the sense that we think a lot. She is beautiful, extremely intelligent, and very fun. Everyone thinks we have a "thing" going on when we have never even kissed. (I am avoiding it because I can't) I thought we were just friends, but wen I went to a party with her, I left and she started dancing with this random guy and he kissed her (she seemed a little resistant but accepting). I shouldn't feel anything, but I was very hurt. I don't know why I was hurt; I coud have been protective or jealous. Either way, the night ended and everything went back to the way it was. I rarely see John and my relationship with Jane continues to be great. I don't think of Jane like I think of John, so I still believe I'm gay. Yet, I have only told very few people about my sexuality. I know I should tell her, but I'm afraid I will hurt her because I think she has a thing for me. It's been 9 months since I met Johna nd he still hasn;t escaped my mind I fear I will regret never saying anything to him. I wrote an e-mail to him today. I didn't send it, (I probably never will) but I still want a chance with him. The bottom line is I relly don't know what to do. My situation is very insignificant in the spectrum of what most gay men go through, but I still wake up feeling crappy everyday about the situation. Thanks for reading this long post and thanks for any advice.
CPK77, Great post. I'm glad you found this site. I hope it helps you work through this stuff... My advice, for what it's worth, would be to try to strike up a friendship with John and get to know him better. Don't think that you have to leap into a romantic relationship with him right away - because that isn't likely to happen when you're not even sure he's gay. Getting to know him better might allow you to find that out, or at least build a relationship that is trusting enough that you could come 'out' to him. Most people here have suggested that sharing this with the other person makes it more likely that they will be open and honest when the question is posed to them. That's if they don't volunteer it after you do without prompting. Alternatively, you will discover that he isn't as wonderful as perhas you've made him out to be in your mind, and you'll be able to move on to other interests... (I can relate to your comment about it being like a middle school crush - I've recently had the same kind of feelings for a guy that I've met, and while it makes me feel really good, it seems totally rediculous at my age!) At the same time, I think you should probably consider coming out to Jane, rather than leaving it unsaid and potentially letting her develop the same feelings for you that you have developed for John. She sounds like the kind of person that would be cool with your orientation. Again, as suggested by some of the other guys here, let her know how important it is that she knows, that you're sharing something with her that you haven't shared with anyone else, which will help her understand why you hadn't been up front with her to begin with. While this is all really hard for you, I'm glad you have the level of awareness that you do. I wish I had been as insightful and aware when I was your age. Good luck. And keep us posted.
I agree with everything Jim1454 suggested. Definitely try to start a friendship with John, get to know him better - see how things develop and then take it from there. Just take baby steps. Don't rush into anything too fast. If John ever came out to you that he was gay or bi, then that would be your chance right then and there to come out to him. It sounds like you and Jane have a very good relationship. If you feel like you really want to come out to Jane, then go for it. Think of this - if Jane is a true friend, she will understand and support it.
I also want to take a moment to agree with what's already been said. Your description of Jane leads me to believe that she would likely be accepting of you, and it would probably help to avoid disaster with her further down the road. I was in a similar situation with a girl who is a friend that had a not-so little crush on me, and although it was hard, I know telling her was the right thing, since now she can find the right person for her. I also advocate trying to strike up a friendship with John. At the very worst, he's straight, but at least you might wind up with a friend out of it. And, things always can work out better than you'd expect...
Hi CPK. :smilewave Well - I can't say I have anything new to add. Again I would tend to agree with Jim (and if you read his posts you will find he has done a good deal of soul searching and been through quite a lot himself...so he is certainly speaking from some experience). It kinda sounds to me as if you are almost scared to try and pursue a friendship with John - whether that is because you are uncertain of where it might lead, or because you are scared to face possible disappointment - well...I don't know. I think you should try and get to know him and develop a "friendship" as just that...initially at least. By doing so, you might get a better idea of his true feelings. Mentally prepare yourself for it to be "no more" than a friendship - but... nothing ventured, nothing gained. It could wind up being a total bummer if you fall for the guy and he turns out to be completely straight (but you'll get over that eventually - trust me). It could be that you'll make a good friend - who'll never be anything but that. It could be that, when you get to know him better you decide you don't like him as much as you thought you did - or it could be - well...who knows. There is only one way to find out... As far as Jane goes - I also think that you owe it to her (especially if she sees you as potential "relationship" material) to be a little more up front about how you feel for her. That doesn't neccessarily mean you have to make the big declaration "I'm gay" - but at least let her know that you find her a great friend but make it clear that you definitely don't see a relationship coming out of the friendship. OK - it may be easy to say this from where I'm standing...but good luck anyway...
Thanks for all the replies. With John, the problem with trying to establish a relationship is that he is doesn't talk much. I've tried to talk with him a few times about 6 months ago, but they just turned into 20 second conversations. I am hoping I will just run into him, but that is hoping for something that will not likely happen. I get what Jim is saying about the possibility of John not really being my type. Honestly, I agree. I have a theory that my infatuation with John is a result of what he represents. He was the first person I met in real life I thought was cool and was possibly gay. He represents a possible relationship I would be happy with, which is something I didn't even know could exist before meeting him. It's not that I think Jane will reject me, it's more I feel like I'm hurting her. Of course, delaying anything would only make the problem worse. I just really need to get the balls and say something. However, I also have a feeling that she has a clue about me. (She would be the only one) Thanks for the responses, they mean a lot to me.
Damn I was gonna chime in and sound all intellectual by explaining how you were idealising John but you obviously already realise that you are. If he doesn't talk much, I would be crazy and just tell him you're gay. Not that you have the hots for him but if that revelation didn't prompt some conversation, then definitely nothing will. Or you could tell him you think he's gay. I know that sounds weird but actually that's how someone got me to come out for the first time. And once I did all I can remember thinking is why had NO ONE asked me before if I were? Like not as an insult, "Dude you're so gay" or "Dude, what, are you gay?" but seriously asked me, "Hey, do you like guys?" I had something else brilliant to observe about you being wrapped up in being "masculine" and being embarrassed by liking movies (because let's be honest, being a movie buff is not really a hugely butch trait). But I can't come up with what it was, so maybe it wasn't that brilliant in the first place. Maybe I'll just mention that being into guys doesn't mean you'll transform into a screaming queen... but at the same time, you can really fuck yourself up if you become overly attached to desperately NOT being a screaming queen. That is--don't end up in internal conflict because there are some aspects of your personality (like loving movies) that don't match your notion of a "masculine" man. Just because you're gay and into movies doesn't mean you have to flail around and lisp. (It also doesn't mean you can't flail around and lisp, because let's face it... flailing around at times is quite liberating. *grin*) You don't get bonus points from any group I know of for being "undetectably" gay. Which is weird because I know a lot of guys who seem to think there is some reward they're gonna get for "shocking" people when they come out. Being gay doesn't make you less of a man, despite popular conceptions. Frankly I think wanting to fuck guys is actually more masculine, somehow, then wanting to be with women but me not being the butchest boy in the bunch, what would I know? :lol: Just focus on being yourself. If that means you want to throw an Oscar party, throw an Oscar party. If that means you wanna play football, play football. Don't be constrained by what you think everyone thinks of as masculine (or feminine). Masculinity and femininity are total social constructions and they vary from culture to culture, so trying to conform to them is setting yourself up to fail because you'll never be perfectly in alignment because they can shift all the time.
Interesting response. i know I don't get bonus points, but I haven't been on these thing before and I don't know how to address myself. yes, being a movie buff doesn't make me "masculine"; it is a very neutral hobbie. Considering most movie buffs are males, (they are not the stereotypical masculine males like you say) I would not consider it to be anything that denotes one's masulinity. The main point is that I came onto this board to talk and converse with other gay people because that is something I have never done in real life. I am also caught in stereotypes, so I do overplay my masculinity to try to break them from myself. One of my fears for coming out are my own stereotypes against gay people since I don't fit in with that stereotype, but no one does anyway. I don't know, I am in a confused state and I am looking for advice. I get what you are saying and I understand, but I have a fear for people seeing me as something I'm not. (which completely contradicts my closet state, but that's a different story.
It's like what everyone else says, you can let Jane down without coming out if you arent ready yet. Also if you suspect she knows, try to subtly find out if she thinks you are and then go from there.
Your response was definitely cool. Well, I think it's cool. I kinda think of being into movies as a not-guy thing, unless the movies are all very male-oriented/targeted ones, but maybe that's just me. Like if you know a movie is critically lauded and that's why you go see it (which obviously wasn't exactly all that was going on when you saw Brokeback *grin* but in general is what I'm getting at), that doesn't sound like a typically masculine thing. But then, that's my conception of masculine/not masculine. I tend to think of being story-oriented as more of a thing that is expected of girls, and I think true movie buffs see films for the stories (as opposed to say the special effects or the hot chicks or bathroom humour). I wasn't trying to make you feel uncomfortable about how you were expressing yourself. Sorry if that's how you felt. You expressed yourself fine. I guess I responded more to what I perceived as you kinda struggling about things internally. There are always going to be gay idiots (there are plenty--they go along quite nicely with the straight ones) who think it's all about how butch or femme you are. You didn't sound like one of those people to me--you just sounded like... I dunno, someone who was new to things, like you say. Well if you know all that, you've pretty much got the hardest bits sorted out. Yeah, getting a chance to talk to real live gay people is definitely a plus. We're even better in person. *grin* Well the thing is, ultimately, people will see you as they want to see you. Yes, you can definitely try to influence that but there will always be people who see in you the traits you don't want them to see... i.e. they will see you as you fear they see you. But those people will view you in that way no matter how you act or what you say. In my mind, then, it's always seemed better to act the way I'm comfortable acting, even though I know that certain people will view that in a negative way, because then at least I'm being who I want to be and doing what (and who :icon_twis) I want to do. Like for instance, after I came out I was part of a gay youth group. I've always been really quick and adept with sexual innuendo and as it so happens, that's quite a valuable commodity among certain segments of gay society, so of course I tended to play that up. I've also always thought it was stupid to be falsely coy about sex and sexual desire and who and what I wanted, so I talked pretty freely about that too. Well, initially I was pretty incensed when I found out certain people were going on about what a slut I was--mainly because the people who were talking about me in such a way were, I knew, having at least as much if not more sex and often with more questionable characters in more questionable situations. But you see, they didn't speak as freely about it as I did about my sexual exploits (and my sexual interests in people) so I was branded a slut while they crossed their legs and essentially pretended to be virginal. I was actually beyond incensed--I totally wanted to kill the fucking hypocrites! But it eventually dawned on me that it was much more important to me to be free to be sexually open and ready with a funny sexual quip than it was for me to convince the (shallow, vapid) self-righteous "pure" people that I was unworthy of their scorn. Because really, it wouldn't have mattered how much I cleaned up my act or how clean it had been from the get-go... unless I totally bought into their tenuous and duplicitous fantasy, I would have been targeted no matter what. And while I like to feel I belong, and I like to feel popular, I have quite a bit of integrity and am, at my core I think, a pretty independent person. So... long story short, eventually I recognised these mendacious purity Nazis for the liars they were and got over how they saw me and how they whispered to others about how dirty I was. And as I suspected, the people whose opinions I really cared about either never bought into their lies or figured out they were being duped pretty quickly. And I have to say, there is no better way to figure out if someone is "good people" than to see how willing they are to get to know you themselves or how readily they accept what other people say about you. The moral of the story is you gotta march to the beat of your own drum if you wanna be happy. And if your marching looks more like skipping... oh well, I'm all for a hot boy who wants to skip! :eusa_danc
