1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I've really gone and done it now...

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by skloorrpt, Jun 18, 2020.

  1. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Around a year ago, before I told my friend that I am questioning my sexuality, I was trying to decide what I wanted to say, so I wrote a little "script". Evidently I never recycled the paper and when I was moving back home since graduating from college, I accidentally brought it with me.
    Anyways about an hour and a half ago my mom walks into my room and she tells me she found something while she was cleaning and hands me the piece of paper that I wrote it on. I had completely forgotten about what I wrote, but she found it. So I guess she knows now...
    I don't really know what to do. I'm kind of mad at myself for just leaving something like that around. I'm really not ready for anyone else, ESPECIALLY my mom, to know about this. I feel so embarrassed. She asked me if/when we could talk about it, but I just got mad and told her to get out. I don't really want to be around her right now and I feel like it's going to be awkward when I have to. At least my family is going out of town for the weekend tomorrow so I won't have to be around any of them.
    I feel like such an idiot right now. I've just been lying in my bed since it happened dreading the next interaction I have with her, probably dinner tonight. Don't really know what to do, I think I might just say I'm not feeling well.
    Can't really believe that it happened and I just need to vent about it somewhere.
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    2,394
    Likes Received:
    955
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Well, you can’t stay lying on your bed forever. I would say your options are:

    1. Talk about it, as your mum suggested. She’s willing to talk, so that might be a good sign, but only you can know.

    2. Tell your mum that your not ready to talk about it. So, you are at least acknowledging the letter, but making it clear that you’ll discuss it if/when you’re ready.

    3. Not mention it again and hope that nobody else does either. Of course, they still might bring it up anyway.

    If I were you and I really wasn’t ready to talk about it, then the second one seems like the best option. You could even text your mum, so she gets the message before you leave your room. Hopefully they will respect that you don’t want to talk about it.

    Also, I would try to get angry with your family, it’s not their fault that you left the paper lying around (if that is what happened).

    A similar thing happened to me once...I was at university, but living at home. My mum has tied my room and left a folded up piece of paper on my bed. It was instructions for a pregnancy test. I was so worried and I assumed they had been left there so I was aware that they had been found. My mum never actually mentioned it to me, but I know a little of what you’re feeling.
     
    BiGemini87 likes this.
  3. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I did end up going downstairs for dinner, and I felt like there was some tension, but that might have just been me. It didn't come up again, I think because the rest of my family was around.

    I'm hesitant to talk about it with her because my mom is quite Catholic so I don't really know that she'll be able to offer good advice or be very supportive. I don't think she'd disown me or anything, and she has told me before that she'd still love me if I am gay, but it's not a conversation that I want or am ready to have. Not yet at least, maybe eventually, but who knows.I did keep telling her that I don't want to talk about it. I'm not really planning to bring it up again, but I don't know if she will. I think she might, but I don't know where things are going to go from here.

    I know it's not fair to get mad at my mom for finding the letter, I just can't believe that it happened. I was super embarrassed and couldn't even wrap my head around the fact that it was actually happening. It's like my worst nightmare, and I was hoping it was just a nightmare, but no luck. I guess I'm more mad at myself for not getting rid of the note after I wrote it. It's not like she went snooping through my things, she just found it as she was putting away some stuff that I had brought home.

    It's just that this is the last thing I wanted or needed to happen. I still can't believe that anyone other than my friend, especially my mom, knows. I'm just hoping she doesn't tell my dad or anyone else. I don't think she would tell anyone except maybe my dad. Who knows for sure though? I've been stressed and embarrassed about this whole situation since it happened about 12 hours ago and I wanted to get it out somewhere.
     
  4. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,062
    Likes Received:
    1,331
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I know you don't want to deal with it now, but what will the effect be of not doing so? Just think of the heavy weight you will be carrying around from now on by leaving it hanging in the air. I would suggest you take a deep breath and push through the stress and embarrassment to reassert control.

    If you don't want to have a conversation, you could always write down your thoughts and feelings and point your mom in the direction of PFLAG for more information.
     
    LostInDaydreams likes this.
  5. Revive

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2020
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Your situation with your mom sounds like me with my mom when I came out to here, so I might be speaking out of memory more than out of advice. Still, I hope it can help you.
    My parents were raised Catholic, and so was I. I knew I was gay years before I told them, but one day I had to because I was gonna bring my date home (I was like 16 then). I really did not know what to expect. It made me feel very anxious. They had told me before that they knew some gay people and they would still accept me when I turned out to be gay (which later made me realise it was probably a sign that they 'already knew'). Still, we didn't talk about boyfriends/girlfriends, sex or anything else related to love. So I really didn't know what to expect. One evening I told them I was in love with a girl, and it was one of the hardest things I had done. I cried for an hour before telling them, it was the most awkward experience I have had. They told me they still loved me and after a few hours I went to bed. The next day they seemed to pretend like nothing happened and for like half a year they didn't talk to me or my family or anyone about it. However, looking back at it, I think they just needed the time to really accept me. They still loved me, that never changed, but they just needed some time to fit me being gay in their heads.
    The fact that your mom seems to want to talk about it, suggest she would be open for a conversation about it. I think 'hiding' it makes your mom 'know' about your sexuality, because of the lack of talking. Obviously, you need to talk only when you are ready, but it seems like the circumstances are right. It's still your choice, so it's up to you to decide.

    If you need a 'peptalk' or just want to vent, I'm always open to talk.
     
  6. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I don't know if I can handle that conversation. I feel awkward even talking about it with my friend who already knows. I also don't know what my mom has to say or thinks of what happened. She's religious and has said things in the past that aren't necessarily super homophobic, but make it clear that she doesn't really support it. I think she might have already been a bit suspicious because she has asked me before if I'm gay and said if I am she'd still love me, but I'm not really sure how supportive she'd be. Like I said, she wasn't snooping or anything, but I just feel a little violated in a way, I don't know if that's the right word. I feel like now that someone I didn't want to know knows about this I'm not really in control of a very personal secret of mine, and I don't know if I can get that back just by talking with her.
     
  7. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    My mom has told me a couple of times in the past that she would still love me if I am gay. She's also straight up asked me if I am before, so I do think she was a little suspicious of that before finding what I wrote. I know she would still love me, it's just that both my parents have made comments about homosexuality that aren't very supportive of it, but I don't think I would say they are homophobic.
    I don't even know what my mom would have to say about this, but I don't know if I would be able to handle that conversation. I'm a little worried that she'll bring it up again when they get back home tomorrow. I feel like there's going to be this weird tension between me and my mom for a while now. I just hope she hasn't told my dad, I told her not to say anything to anyone. I don't need both of them to know.
     
  8. bingostring

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2008
    Messages:
    1,983
    Likes Received:
    54
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    This could be a blessing in disguise.
    Although “cringe-inducing“ right now, it will force a few issues and accelerate your coming out/ personal development. Time to take control of things.

    Try and see it in a positive way. You certainly can’t “undo” what your mother had read and agonising over it is just a waste of your energy.
     
  9. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I'm still in shock that it actually happened even thought it's been a few days now. My family is back in town now, so I'll have to wait to see if my mom brings it up again. I'm still anxious and not comfortable with the fact that she knows. I have trouble seeing it in a positive light, but yesterday I did sort of have this "relieved" feeling about the whole thing. I'm not sure exactly sure if that's the right way to describe how I feel about it though. Maybe that's just me getting a little more used to the fact that she knows.
     
  10. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    14,714
    Likes Received:
    2,643
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm sorry you experienced this, and I'm sure it was just one of those moments where you wish a hole would open up and you'd drop through it.

    Remember that you spent quite some time processing and coming to terms with this within yourself. And in doing so, you likely went through the stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance) as you processed the loss of your 'straight' self.

    Your mom saw the note and was suddenly thrust into the middle of processing those feelings. Hard to stay in denial when it's right in front of you in writing, so that likely brought up anger for her. So she's probably shifting back and forth, but I'm sure it is processing. And that isn't a bad thing. If she sits and ruminates about it and has to sit with it and process it and come to terms... by the time you decide to talk about it, or she brings it up again, she may be at a much better place to accept it. In what we've seen here at EC, nearly all parents eventually come around. One of my friends, whose parents were super fundy Christian (dad was a minister at a small holy roller church), discovered he was gay at 17. THey sent him to straight camp twice. (Obviously, it didn't work either time, but he says he got more action at the camp than he had anywhere else.) Things were awkward for a while, they just avoided talking about it even though they knew he was gay and it wasn't going to change.

    Fast forward a few years and he's happily married to a guy. They have a house and a dog and a nice suburban life. His parents were fully involved in the marriage, very involved in his life, and are fully accepting. Took a while but they came around, and I suspect your parents will as well.
     
  11. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    That is definitely a pretty good way of describing how I felt at that moment. I still feel a little weird around my mom even though we haven't discussed it since. It's like there is this weird discomfort just from being around her because she knows. I also don't know if she's said anything to my dad, I told her not to tell anyone, but I've done that in the past with other things and she's mentioned some of it to him. Hopefully she hasn't this time since it's a lot more personal and private, but I don't know. It has been seeming less and less likely that I am straight over the last few months to a year, but my problem is that I'm still not entirely sure of my sexual orientation and I didn't want anyone else to find out about that until I am. Now because all of this happened I feel like I'm not entirely in control of who might find out.
     
  12. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    14,714
    Likes Received:
    2,643
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The loss of control over people knowing is one of the most difficult and vulnerable things. People describe it as feeling totally naked (or for some, considerably worse than that.)

    One thing you can do is simply work on being yourself. Figuring out where you stand. An awful lot of people, especially if they fear judgment from parents/friends, tend to avoid going into the feelings and acknowledging what's really going on. I think that's part of the reason why many folks who eventually figure out they're gay start out identifying as bi. This isn't to say that bi people don't exist, but rather, it's safer to say "bi" than "gay" because it can leave a doorway open. It also "cushions the blow" for people like parents that might not be ready to hear the message yet.

    But that can be a double edged sword if you later figure out you're gay, because you then have to go through the "I know I said this, but now I understand myself and that isn't really the case" talk. (At least sometimes.)

    Where are you at with figuring out your sexual orientation? What questions or ambiguities are coming up about it? The sooner you explore that, the better equipped you'll be if your mom does bring it up again.
     
  13. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    It does feel awkward to be around my mom now, but I think it's actually getting a little better than it was at first. My problem is that I'm not sure exactly how to interpret what I'm feeling or if it's always genuine, but maybe that's just some form of denial. I wouldn't tell anyone this, but to me it seems like I'm at least bi, so maybe that's just the beginning of all this like you described. I guess that sort of answers the question about where I am in terms of figuring this stuff out. There are some things that confuse me a bit, but luckily my mom hasn't brought it up again so hopefully I have some time to figure it out. Thanks for the response!
     
  14. BiGemini87

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    285
    Likes Received:
    146
    Location:
    Petawawa, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I'd say if you get a moment alone with your mom, just let her know you're not ready to talk about it. Better to get that out there than to act like it never happened; she knows, and so do you, and until you say at least that much, there will probably continue to be tension.

    I understand the embarrassment and being frustrated with yourself, but try not to beat yourself up too much. What happened, happened. The only thing you can decide is how to move forward from here.