I've failed to make any friends after 4 years in a new place

I had a very similar college experience to you. Literally everything you have said has struck a chord in me. So I don't think anything is wrong with you at all. I'm impressed by all the hard work you put in. That is just the nature of liberal schools in a big city. The only reason I chose to go to the college I went to, was because it was a liberal school to be a safe space to come out of the closet and explore myself. But it backfired. All the groups and people at the college were very clicky and judgmental. I wasn't gay enough for the gay scene apparently, and the only guys who gave me time of day only wanted to use me. I also got gay bashed a lot and went back into the closet.

I'm sorry about your friend. Literally every time a female friend of mine finds a boyfriend, I cease to exist and they only come back around when they break up. I tried to introduce myself as gay to a few female friends, but they were either disgusted or showed me off as their token gay friend. So I hesitate to initially introduce myself that way now. Also every friend of mine who started drugs ghosted me, and only came back around after they were thoroughly messed up by the drugs.

I wish I had good advice for you, but you have tried everything I would suggest, and doing a much better job than I ever did I might add. I ended up making friends and meeting people outside the city for companionship, but I know that option is probably limited for you at the moment. I just wanted you to know that you're awesome and not crazy, and you're not alone.

 

Hi @lottaotter! It's been a little while since I've been online.. I hope you're making it through as best you can

You could have written this about myself when I first went to school, over 10 years ago.

I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with anyone, really. But I think sometimes we react to pain in ways we don't understand at first. As an example, I grew up around addiction, around what I deemed to be "losers," and all I wanted to be was a WINNER. Really sober, really successful (which included trying to be straight, i.e. "masculine"). So I felt the same way when I went to school about how people use substances, how they express themselves sexually, how they have fun, etc... It was all completely alien to me, and really stressed me out. I'm sure maybe people thought I was cold too because of it. And I had so much trouble figuring it out.

I think maybe you read a lot into these situations before they even happen?

Now, I don't know you personally, and I certainly don't know anything about life in the UK. But I know I had similar thoughts. And it turned out they were mostly just that, thoughts. That the world was trying to invite me in, but I just wasn't ready for it yet, and I was still pushing people away, and simultaneously thinking about how alone I felt.

It may sound corny and overused, and it's definitely been advice others have given to me, that you have to be comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable with others. I'm still working on it too! So I don't know what the answer is, or more importantly, what your answer will be. But I hope you keep searching for it!!! It sounds like you're trying really hard and have already made some progress.

 

There's a lot to chew on.

A therapist I had for 4 years a handful of years ago mentioned the balance I have in male:female friendships and suggested trying to shift it toward more male friends. I agreed with him. I do fine with women friends because they can and will talk about many things but many male friends can't. I had only one female friend who could toy with me like that to some extent but I was younger. She did not ever disappear. We went too far back. In between relationships and marriages, she would come back for more support. Then, when her life got messier, she needed the kind of support I wasn't willing to give. Your situation sounds worse as far as the quality of her friendship. I don't know if you can reset boundaries so there might be a point in time to move on. That's always harder if there's "a bird in the hand instead of two in the bush."

I've had this happen before to me and others I know have had it happen to them. They can move between places and the way it turns out is far from what they expected. It's almost like an on-off switch. What's your horizon for staying or leaving or other options? I am NOT putting a bug in your ear. I don't know the situation that well.

This sounds a little too negative. To me, anyway. There is some truth to what you say about getting into things because of deep roots or because a person is a 9 or a 10. I've seen that.

I'm just wondering why it's 100% of the situation that's not working. Have you been in situations where it's at least a little mixed - some things have worked and some didn't?

Some people will stick around for reserved people to open up. But it can't be too, too long. It's definitely an area of vulnerability for a reserved person. You've had some male friends in the past, no?

I probably get along with straight folks better than I do with LG folks. Probably. It could be that they've got some bi aspects or they're just really accepting. The tough part of being friends with straight people is that you can't discuss some of those things that candidly and explicitly.

This is another post that strikes a chord. I didn't go through these processes when I was in school. I was myself but still different enough from most people because I didn't buy into so many things. Gay people, or people who probably were, seemed to be nicer to me, up to a point, and I think that's because they tend to start out being more tolerant. When the uglier side of the cliquey, snarky, and judgmental came along, they realized and I knew that it wouldn't make for a friendship. The ties were very superficial. When I was in school and started working, it seemed like "straight" guys were the ones hitting on me. I didn't know what to make of it. They might have really wanted to do something or they could have been trying to entrap because they sensed something but I didn't want to s*** in my own backyard.

This situation where a place doesn't work out well happens a lot. My current therapist and I have talked about this on-off switch and he told me he's had some clients who have had a tough time getting into the flow of a new city. He didn't go much deeper or into specifics. He has been more relatable because he doesn't make me feel so weird that I have difficulties with some key things.

 

I honestly don't know, still working on it myself. But it's gotten better for me in recent years. I hope someone older than us who "has it all figured out" (or close enough!) can chip in I think it may just depend on what you go through, and how you respond. Everyone's life is unique.

For me personally, it's been a lot of different external changes out of my control that caused internal changes, once I responded to them. Part of it is actually apathy: I really just don't care about others' opinions to try too hard to fit in anymore. I tried so hard to be a good son for people I eventually realized didn't care about me, and it was a waste. Now I don't do that anymore, thankfully.

Another part of it is the cost/benefit that came over time: I reached a point a couple years ago where it dawned on me that I was losing more than I was gaining by living someone else's life. I didn't recognize the person in the mirror. I look back at old photos now, and the person in them was just so, so sad. I can't even believe it's me. So even though it's still hard, at least it's worth it now.

And another part was that the world, or rather, my world, finally got a little softer. I'm a soft person by nature, but because of everything I've been through, I became very, very angry and isolated. But now I don't have to fight my parents anymore, I don't have to fight my sexuality anymore, I don't have to fight at work. And I realized that a lot of the people around me... distant family members, friends, former schoolmates, even just strangers, were actually more supportive than I ever could have imagined. Getting some perspective outside of my tiny, dysfunctional, little world was huge.

I think you might be kinda hard on yourself... I was too. I always think that if we treat ourselves like we would a good friend, then we can start there-- we definitely have at least one friend now. (Yes, again, I know it's corny, I'm sorry.) And hey, you're our friend! Even if it's only digitally.

I know you're lonely, but I hope it's not tied to your self-esteem... We love you bro regardless of how many friends you have, what you look like, how glamorous your lifestyle is. You can lead a good life with no friends, or with a million friends... it's going to be whatever works best for you.

All my best

 

Hi Lottaotter,
I've been following this thread and wondering what sort of advice I could give to you that I haven't given before. You're doing all the sorts of things that should - in theory - bring a close connection with someone. And it's still not working. To answer that question 'why?' perhaps you need to delve a little deeper.

I wonder if you've ever read the book 'I'm Ok You're Ok' by Thomas Harris? It's a bit old now, but I remember when I read it in the late 80s it rang a lot of bells with me. My then-girlfriend recommended it to me and she struggled and still does struggle with that conundrum of how to make connections and friends. Anyway, it might be worth a try.

Remember we all think you're great - you don't have to be anyone other than yourself to us, which is how it should be.

Beth x

 

I'm sorry things are getting worse for you. Maybe you can finish out the semester and transfer to a different college or take a little break from school. Or if you do go back home, then do online courses instead, at your own pace. That is probably what I should have done, but I just wanted to get school over with as soon as possible, and ended up hurting myself in the end. Maybe you can also look into getting a different part time job with a better environment and distance yourself from that indifferent friend you mentioned earlier in the post.

I use to be extremely worried about people judging me in the past. However I realized none of them cared about me or wouldn't ever remember me. So I shouldn't care or give them the time of day and lose any sleep over it. They haven't lived the life I had to and made the decision I have had to make. So they have no control or say about my life. 99% of the people, ( you will meet or come across in your life), do not care about me or you. It's all about searching for that 1% of people throughout life who you care about and returning that kindness.

Also I keep it in mind that every sin I and others commit will ultimately be judged by god in the end. So I leave all the judgement up to him and move on with my life, and don't worry about other peoples petty judgement. I just smile move on and say in my head, good luck explaining that during god's final judgement.

Sometimes progress isn't about getting better or worse. We all have our highs, lows, and in between. Real progress is moving forward and trying to better yourself, even though it may not feel like it sometimes. So like I said before, I don't think anything is wrong with you at all and I'm impressed by all the hard work you put in. Also there is no pressure or obligation to contribute to other peoples posts. Just being part of the community and supporting each other is enough. If you're not sure what to say, then you can always wish people the best and put in a kind word.

Hang in there and push a little more until the holiday break arrives so you can recharge.

 

No worries at all lottaotter. I regularly take breaks a lot on here as well, to make sure I focus on real life as much as I do cyber space.

And you don't always have to respond individually.. we just hope that wherever you are, you can read these, and hopefully something will help you. And even if you don't post in others' threads, you're still contributing. I know thinking about other people's challenges often helps me come up with new ideas to my own... I believe other members may possibly feel the same.

Don't be a stranger!

 

Hey lottaotter, I've gotten to know you and really once someone does know you, you're pretty interesting. Hope that mess of a sentence made sense. Anyway, I think you should ask yourself why you think these people are rejecting you- is it something in their body language, the way they said something towards you, or just standing in a group of friends without you?