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Its getting worse

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Butterfly6, Feb 3, 2020.

  1. Butterfly6

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    Lately I'm seriously questioning if I am actually transgender. I'm 36, married to a beautiful man and mother to 3 kids. I guess I'll identify as fluid bisexual...I'm questioning, but I definitely have feelings for both sexes.

    I was always a very feminine child and teenager. I used to love girly stuff but ever since identifying as more of a kinsey 4 I feel a lot more masculine and it's getting worse.

    To the point where I am actually uncomfortable in my dresses and other women's clothing. Now I have to dress in sweats or I feel disconnected.

    I hate my breasts and I'm breastfeeding our son. Sometimes when he nurses I get super uncomfortable...I used to love my breasts. I havent let my husband touch me because I'm now completely uncomfortable in my whole body. I feel dysphoric.

    I have huge urges to shave my head, tape my breasts away and pretend I'm a man. I'm even starting to hate the sound of my feminine voice. I'm just so irritated with myself and cant stand to look in the mirror.

    What's happening to me?
     
  2. Hawk

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    First of all, was there anything that brought this on? I assume with your first two kids you were fine with your body, or do you think this has always been manifesting?

    If this is causing you distress, I would start by experimenting with expression. If you are your husband are close, and he knows about your bisexuality, I'd tell him how you're feeling and what's making you uncomfortable (if it's safe to do so, and he's supportive).

    Again, I'd start by experimenting with expression and see how it makes you feel. Maybe try using male pronouns. Also, there's quite a few women who have short haircuts. If this is something where you think you may be trans, I'd speak with a therapist who specializes in LGBT issues and gender identity. However, there are also many butch identified women who present as masculine.
     
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  3. Butterfly6

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    I may have been in spurts starting when I was in my mid 20s. When I started to realize I was bi I started to feel disconnected from my gender.

    The head shaving comes in urges, so once I cut my hair really short and then I totally regretted it because I didnt want to look like a manly anymore at that time.

    I've never felt dysphoric though. Now I'm like anxious when I see myself as a woman and I'm intrigued with facial hair, smelling like a guy etc.

    Seems like the higher up of the kinsey scale I go, the more male I feel. If I'm thinking about this a lot, my name starts to feel foriegn to me and my kids calling me mom just feels off.

    My period is coming and I'm dreading it so much...it causes like discomfort.

    But let's say I stop thinking about all this, I'll start to feel womanly again.
     
  4. Hawk

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    Correct me if I'm wrong, but when you're more attracted to women, you feel more masculine, and vice versa when you're more attracted to men?
    Instead of going from one binary to the other, which it sounds like it's making you anxious, have you considered genderqueer (Non-Binary)? Taking some masculine traits and some feminine traits?
     
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  5. Butterfly6

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    Yes, I think I'm more gender queer but what I'm really worried about is this dysphoric feelings with my body.

    I feel uncomfortable with my woman parts now...
     
  6. BradThePug

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    It's weird how questioning your gender can pop up almost out of nowhere. Small changes are your friend. You mention that you are breastfeeding, so I would avoid binding for now. You could always try to have a more unisex hairstyle if you don't feel comfortable having a fully masculine style. For now, small steps are your friend. If something does not make you feel better, tge small steps are easy to undo.
     
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  7. Butterfly6

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    Hi, yes it's making me feel horrible. I haven't been able to function properly and I can feel my female self dissolving, it's kind of alarming since I have a family with young kids. I've gained 10 pounds in the last few months...I'm pretty sure I'm depressed, I know what the future holds. I . would have to get a divorce, face my homophobic/transphobic family, give up my career and move away from where I live (it's not safe where I am).

    Sorry, I'm just kind of frustrated and I'm having these thoughts of harming others, of course I would never...but is all of this usual? It's painful enough to feel dysphoric but all the other things makes everything so much worse.
     
  8. BradThePug

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    One thing that I would suggest is to speak with a mental health professional. Having a healthy outlet for how you are feeling may help remove some of the frustration. They may also be able to better help you process your feelings about gender. They also will be able to help you come up with ways to cope with how you are feeling in a healthy manner.
     
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