It Was Great, But Now I'm More Confused Than Ever!

I ask the same thing of myself all the damn time. You don't seem dysphoric physically, same as me. Maybe it's just social dysphoria? Maybe you just like the option of both genders? Bigender but a preference to be female? I mean that is the best of both worlds.

The problem with that even is the dichotomous nature of gender...

See here's the thing. You don't have to decide or pin yourself down to a label.

 

The fact that you feel so much better from the experience suggests to me that you are trans. I wouldn't really expect it to be super different from presenting as male because you are still you. If I present as female, I get dysphoric but after a while, I could probably do it (and just focus on other things); it doesn't mean anything about gender, only coping.

A question to ask yourself is how would you feel if you could never feel like you did at the conference again?

And the time and effort depends on what you want from transitioning. Not to minimize it but the results for women are very good so, certainly don't let that influence your decision (it influences mine bc the results for guys are another story).

I'm sorry if this isn't helpful... Maybe, could you explain why you feel confused suddenly?

 

I'm going to put this snippet out there that I sent you.

Think about it.

 

Soul searching is a bitch.

And you just said it.

"I wish I was born a woman"

I cannot ever escape that feeling no matter how much I try.

 

So, you wish to have been born physically female. You're scared of transitioning and you're afraid that the results wouldn't be "perfect" and that you wouldn't be happier in the end?

---------- Post added 11th May 2014 at 04:54 PM ----------

^ this isn't something a cisguy thinks...

 

I know, I've said those exact same words to you. And out loud to my friend and therapist.

Mia and I are two kindred spirits more than you know.

 

A bigger step? Ha! My dear, it shouldn't feel like a big step at all, that's kinda the point... :lol: If it had been this overwhelmingly glorious magical experience where you were skipping around because of it, I would be tempted to question your gender, indeed (and perhaps sanity if skipping :roflmao.

I can't tell you what you experience would be socially but medically, I don't see any issue. You're already a pretty girl (shush it!) so, I can't imagine that the results wouldn't be stellar. Now with being happier, again, it might not change that at all. No one ever said that all trans people are miserable until transitioning... I'm a pretty happy guy but have some issues; having top surgery or even magically turning male wouldn't solve them. Trans or cis, we still have to work on ourselves.

And if you're determined for logic, try a thought chain. You might start with [MAAB] > [Wishes had been FAAB] > [?]...

 

Maybe you see being a cis-male like a solution, that your life would be better as regards being a girl? But this doesn't mean you're a guy. Maybe you are only afraid to be yourself and you're trying to force yourself to be cis-male because it's more easy?

 

Yeah and cisguys don't think this way... I'd pick another label because that ain't it. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's not a panda. It might be a goose.

---------- Post added 11th May 2014 at 05:08 PM ----------

*nods in agreement*

 

I just said the same thing myself... but in different words. No matter how much I try to repress it, the desire keeps coming back.

 

And maybe it isn't just fear. No one can decide your fate for you, Mia. But fear is really common and totally normal and OK. (*hug*)

 

(*hug*) so let the emotions come. We're here for you. (*hug*)

 

I told you it was brutal. I've been asked to stare in the mirror like this.

I fucking know. Tristan said the same thing to me. And I felt like shit afterwards. Because it was true... Jesus I just admitted it.

 

Gotcha.

I felt the same when I was about 12-13 years old. I dressed very feminine, trying to force me being a girl. "It's more simple if you're a girl. Your mom is happy, you sister and you family as well...And you are also pretty with long hair", I thought.

I tried to do that several times, but then I realised it isn't useful.

Remember, sweet Mia: you cannot change who you are. You can be afraid, you can be lost, you can show yourself as a guy...but if you're a girl inside, this cannot change.

I say it to you with my heart among my hands (it's a common italian ditto) and from my "experience" (if we can define it so).

 

^ is totally adopting you now.

Listen to him, Mia. We all went through times of fear. There are pictures of me at age 11 with make up and in this skin-tight black evening gown; I made a handsome drag queen but that's what it was when I presented female - drag. I tried to silence myself and I used my physicality and dominance as ways to feel good about my lie but it was still a lie, otherwise I wouldn't be here. None of us would be here if we were cisfolk, I don't think.