Hello people!! I'm posting this thread to give an update about my life and also to give some (hopefully helpful) advice to all those who are questioning right now. Once I was in your shoes, questioning and figuring it all out. I was sure I had feelings for women and was doubting if I had feelings for men. I ruminated a lot, posted a lot of threads on this forum and tried to compare my own experience to that of other people in order to figure it all out. I always came to the conclusion I had romantic and sexual feelings for women, but not for men. Still, I worried that if I would start to identify as a lesbian, that I would be lying if I eventually did get feelings for a man. So I worried and worried, until one day I snapped. I stopped ruminating and logged off. I went out and experienced life without the internet. Turns out: best decision ever. It has been... almost 10 years since I started questioning/accepting my homosexual feelings. And until so far, have only had feelings for women. None for men. I see a lot of people on here questioning and asking advice about what to do about it. That the questioning gives them anxiety and they don't know what to do about it. The biggest lesson that I have learned in terms of questioning is that, after a while, you need to LOG OFF and EXPERIENCE LIFE. The ruminating and the thought experiments won't give you any clear answers, because love and attraction are meant to be FELT and not THOUGHT. Of course sharing experiences and getting advice/feedback can help! that is what this forum is about, but if you get stuck I advise you to stop being on the internet/in your head and try to focus on other things you like to (other hobbies, interests, friends, etc). The second lesson I learned is that attraction, at its core, feels AMAZINGLY EASY AND WITHOUT EFFORT. There is a big difference between liking and then feeling shame around it (example: ''this feels amazing but i'm not sure what my family/society/friends will think of this'') and not being sure if you like someone/something at all (example: ''I should feel more or different things but I don't really feel those things and I dread of this going forward/getting more serious''). Actual attraction feels good, natural effortless, without any type of doubt, dread or anxiety. You can, of course, feel nervous about a first date, kiss or anything else, but the idea should be met with intrigue and exciting feelings. Compulsive checking, forcing yourself to try and like the person you chose, thinking you might be interested but it always feeling ''not quite right'', is not (in my opinion) real attraction! I've spent years trying to figure out if I was bisexual or a lesbian. Turns out: waste of fucking time. Once I said to myself: ''Right, I'm going to identify as a lesbian because that is what feels good to me and rights true to me'', I had the best times! I felt comfortable and satisfied. And If I do turn out to get feelings for men one day, then so be it, but this hasn't happened. Ever since I let the questioning go, men completely evaporated from my mind and I felt free. I felt like I didn't have to force myself anymore to become something I wasn't cut out for. Whenever I do go through a bit of questioning every now and then, I am quickly reminded by all the things I have written above. I also only go through that bit of questioning when I'm sad, tired, lonely or not in a good mental state. Moreover, I tend to ruminate not only about my love life, but also about other aspects of my life in general. The best way to tackle this is to either get some sleep, eat something or visit friends. Which leads me to the last lesson I've learned: SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH. Meet people IN REAL LIFE who you feel comfortable around, you can genuinely laugh with, where you don't have to pretend to be someone else, and where you feel safe sharing your thoughts. They will not belittle you or try to make you feel insecure about yourself if you try to open up. I believe this is key in getting to know yourself, because before you can truly face yourself you have to be loved. How can you face the mirror if you don't like what you see? You have to be comfortable with all that you are, and friends will learn you how to do that. They can help you understand who you are and who you'd like to become. So take this as you will, but these are the things that i've learned from my own life as well as the people on this forum. I am eternally grateful for this forum and how it has helped me to get through difficult times. I am comforted by the fact that old members are still active on this forum and that they continue to help others trying to get through it as well. One last thing: this is your life, only you can decide what you want to do with it! the only person who knows you truly is yourself. Now get out there and try to make the best of it!!! Cheers!!!
What is said above is so right on the mark in so many ways. Once you admit to yourself your same sex attraction the doubts, fears and reservations seem to recede into the background. When you find that special person your attraction to the opposite sex just faded away. It’s true just go out and enjoy life. You only get one!
Omg this! You somehow put into simple words the ideas I’ve tried and failed to express properly to other people on here. I joined here similar time to you, late 2015 early 2016. Mid teens & full of questions. But really, I found the answers I was looking for through my experiences. I don’t think I logged back on here again until 2023. Now I just stick around for the interesting discussions and to try and help others.
Loppox!! Thank you for sharing some of your story and thoughts, so much good stuff. i think you are so right about internet vs 'real life.' It's funny, we know from studies that most of communication is non verbal, that a large part of communication involves tone and visual cues, all missing from online exchange... yet more and more we rely on it for important stuff like finding love and simply being. It's seems what can be a good supplement (online), has become our total caloric intake and we've become relationally malnourished as a result? Prior to divorcing, i'd go to places where other gay guys hung out. There was a park where there'd always be 15-20 gay guys just hanging out (okay many cruising for sex), but also, it was more than that... it was social. i made friends. We even played volley ball every Sunday. That all went away after the internet took over. After i divorced in 2008, the internet was fully established with sites for 'meeting,' but those all ended up being used as hook up sites for sex. Making friends, having a gay social network has become very challenging to me. i don't drink, so i feel out of place in a bar. i've tried churches where there are gays, but i had to process out of a religious culture that hates gays, so churches tend to be triggering for me even though i know rationally they are not all alike. When i first divorced, i did try dating. i did wonder if i might be Bi because i had been married to a woman and it was not devoid of connection, just not enough to sustain a relationship of that sort. The biggest issue was her viewing my being gay as "sick and sinful." Lol, yeah-no. Still, i thought i should test things out. One of the first women i dated, while being completely out about my sexuality, was a visiting professor from another country. She had her doctorate in Women's Studies and was a leader in the lesbian community in her country. She explained that she had recently been experiencing desire for relationship with a man, so we connected. We really hit it off. i liked her on so many levels, it was great being fully open and honest with each other, and she also fit my emotional dispositions of physical attraction. But when she wanted to have sex? i realized i did not and she turned out to be the only woman i dated exploring whether or not i was Bi or gay. For me, that is very telling and alines with what you express about attraction needing face to face interaction. Being myself with her helped me easily hone in on where i land on the sexuality spectrum, turns out i'm on the far end of gay. Still, i didn't want to stop there in my questioning. i next dated a trans person (FtM). They had not physically transitioned and did not want to, and identified as about 80% guy. They were also in a 10 year old poly relationship with a woman. i really liked this person and learned so much in the relationship. The relationship exposed so many presumptions in me and helped me grow. They liked me too... actually, both of them, but sexually as a total bottom, i needed more or different or both? It was early on after my divorce, so i was new to being able to have something different. If it had been up to me, i would have continued in my relationship with them, albeit platonic, but that didn't work for them and we moved on. In both cases, none of this could have happened online, it happened in real life and both were deeply pivotal experiences for me in clear self discovery without all the "ruminating."
