Isn't it wrong to blame them?

Hi there.

This thread will probably catch the interest of family abuse survivors above all others, even though what I'll discuss is rarely about proper abuse. Consider that a sort of content warning though. While it isn't directly related to sexual orientation and gender identity, the issues I'll discuss are linked.

My thesis here is simple : I'm catching myself more and more often blaming the way my parents raised me for the different issues that cripple me to this day, and I believe at the same time that it's wrong to blame them. So overall, I'm really confused.

Now, little note : I haven't been abused, verbally or physically, by my parents. I of course believe that if such issues appear during another child's development and it turns out they've been abused in their household then the parents are most likely to blame.
I know that during your teenage years, you start severing the psychological ties you have with your parents, becoming independent, and having a second and more mature look on how you have been raised. I have seen those stereotypical statements of "teens always complain about how their parents raised them" or "ugh, one day they just tell you 'Dad, you fucked me up'".

My case in details, even if it doesn't help, I found it useful to write that down, but I hope, and think, I'm wrong :

Spoiler

Imma rant a lot. It's gonna be boring.
I'm starting to believe that my Dad raising me with his distorted (in my opinion) view of life and my mother being emotionally apathetic and distant contributed to me developing issues around self confidence, socialization and honesty. I'll detail quickly my case, albeit it's mostly relying on my foggy memory of my early childhood.
I have to add that my father was physically, and emotionally abused by my grandparents, up until he was old enough to start retaliating physically and protect himself and his sister. I also suspect that my mother was abused emotionally by her brother, who apparently never accepted her arriving in their household and the sudden drop in attention he received from his parents (I got that info from my father who explained me why my uncle was very distant with my mom and our family circle).

I guess I'll start with my Dad.. He did admit to hurting me physically one time when I was quite young but added that he'd never done that again (perhaps that explains why I always had the weird reflex of raising my hands to protect myself and cower whenever I saw him angry). He was more present with me than my mother during my early childhood, as far as I can tell, and I think I got a lot out of him to shape my personality. The problem is that what he thought me, in retrospect, may have been pretty damaging. I remember clearly the advice he gave me as a young child (later, when I wasn't seeing him as often) about what friends are. Even if he phrased it to say that it was only his situation, mimicking did the rest.
His advice to me was that I must never be honest with people, because they will use any information I give them to try and blackmail/abuse/trick me. He added that despite him having friends, he was never really honest with them, or outright lied to them to keep them in good terms with him, and only frequented them because they were useful for his goals. Everyone else, unworthy of his appreciation (usually because he thinks they're too dumb), he calls "useful idiots", "a mass of people that can be manipulated by trends or information to serve a select few". I must probably add that he constantly discusses how we don't see the bigger picture, how people are constantly being manipulated, even to this day (which is just the worst because I can't have a conversation with him that doesn't involve how nihilism is the only real solution to humanity's problems, philosophy in general, anarchism, conspiracy theories that MUST be true - not the UFO kind, rather the global manipulation type - , an upcoming enslaving of most of the human race through technology for the service of a selected few, or tech security).

Then there is my mother.. She's always very distant. She doesn't talk much. She doesn't express emotions much, at least when I'm around. I don't remember her playing a lot with me when I was young, not at all actually. I barely remember her giving me hugs as well. I have more memories of playing with and hugging my stuffed animals than I have of being with her, playing or not. I've always seen her very distant, silent, doing her own things (or actually nothing, she always slept a lot throughout the day) and never sharing with anyone, not even my father. He doesn't know about things she likes, and barely what she dislikes. He's often complained to me that my mother never talks to him about herself. My mother was the parent I saw the most from the moment I entered elementary school to something around mid-7th grade, since my dad often came back from work late at night and went to work early in the morning.

That's what I recollect, and that's how I piece everything together. I believe my father's behaviour affected me, as I rarely had friends when I was young, and when I did, later, I always held things from them, or feared they weren't genuine. I had, and still have, a lot of issues around trusting people. I still have a lot of trouble believing that people I'm attached to, even those I'm really emotionally close to (let's say, my ex, or my close friends), are genuine and aren't going to betray me. I also have frequent doubts about myself, wondering whether I'm not just using people subconsciously, if I'm not fooling myself into ignoring that I'm manipulating my friends. It's always been hard for me to make and keep friends.. Furthermore, I believe my craving of physical intimacy (I'd go very far to get just a hug, although I refuse to be touched by members of my family), my emotional confusion (I often can't tell what I'm feeling of it I'm feeling anything at all, and as a child I often only felt anger, frustration, sadness, or mostly nothing) and lack of socialization (which helped the development of "I find no interest in going out of my house, I'll just stay on my computer all day lazily- Oh shoot! I haven't been outside in ten days!") comes from her absence (mostly, other stuff played in, like the fact that I lived in a really inaccessible place for 13 years of my life).

That's only what I believe, and the problem is, eye-witness accounts are usually the worst evidence you can use. Human memory is flawed, and perception is subjective. I should also add that I was a problematic kid : I was violent, obsessed with death (namely my own), prone to random bursts of self destructive anger, and had a lot of problems socializing and getting along with others, so it was really hard for my parents to deal with me.

My question remains : if you suffer from personal issues and believe that your parents are responsible for that, despite no proof of abuse, isn't it wrong to blame them, while not knowing what it is like to raise a child? And why are so many people apparently doing it at my age?