Is this HOCD or is this me discovering something more about me?

Hi all,

I was wondering/hoping if I could get some advice from anyone on here, specifically around the topic of sexual orientation. I'll try and sum up as much as I can but there is quite a bit of back story So really sorry about that.


- 27, male, single
- Pretty normal upbringing, nothing in my memory to suggest there was anything out of the ordinary. I was quite overweight the majority of my life till about the age of 21, so I suppose there is a bit of social anxiety and general shyness.
- Always seemed to have quite a low libido, as in, never seemed to really be too phased by going out and 'finding sex' or 'crazy' about it. In saying that, I've always felt really anxious about 'sexual' stuff, even when I viewed it on tv in movies etc. I think I enjoyed it and it turned me on, but there was a level of anxiety associated with it for some reason?
-In saying the above, I did masturbate quite a lot, from basically the age of 14ish. I remember watching my first porn and being really turned on by that. I would hire out movies and stuff with sex scenes in them and tape them etc. I'd masterbate to this stuff pretty much daily before bed, right up until the age of probably 22ish.
- first gf at the age of 16, which lasted about 2 years. We never slept with each other because she was really religious, but we 'played around' if that makes sense.
- had a year of being single during my first uni year. Again - I'd watch an awful lot of porn and masturbate to that daily and from what I remember, was very turned on by it, but 'chasing girls' wasn't really a priority. I can kind of remember having a crush on one or two girls during that year, but it never phased me. In that year I did get VERY emotionally close to a girl, who I ended up kissing and starting a 6 year relationship with.
- During that relationship most things seemed normal? We started having sex about 2 months into the relationship. And probably for the first 18-24 months, we slept with each other once a week maybe twice at times (give or take). Then after that, it certainly went quite low, maybe once a fortnight or monthly for the remainder of the relationship. Again, I don't remember ever feeling like I needed sex all that much?
- After 2 years of the relationship I did start to watch porn a little and would fantasize about other girls in my life while masturbating at times. I have no idea why I did this, as I definitely felt like I loved my girlfriend very much. It just became habit maybe?
- we broke up Dec 2012 and tried to get back together (because I felt like I wanted to and that I had made a mistake) in Feb 2013. Then another girl at work started to show me attention and I think I really liked it, as it caused an incredible guilt and anxiety within me. I had to break it off for good with my ex. This girl from work and I played around a little and I remember feeling excited about it all, but it never went anywhere.
- Enter 6 months of daily porn use again and daily masturbation until I met a girl late last year. I think I felt an attraction to her, or at least I certainly felt enough to want to get to know her. We dated, I remember feeling really excited (like everything was coming in place) and then we tried to sleep with each other for the first time and I had ED problems. The ED didn't worry me at the time.
- She went overseas for a bit, came back and I still had ED problems. Then I remember one day (no idea what caused it) I all of a sudden suffered huge anxiety about the relationship and whether 'I felt anything for her?'. This feeling took me by surprise as the previous 2 or so months before hand I don't remember feeling anything but excitement about her? Sexually - ED was a real big concern too as this had never happened before.
- The anxiety took over for about 2 months, where I just tried to force my feelings to come back, but sadly the anxiety got so severe that I was breaking down at work, throwing up, crying etc. I couldn't (and still can't) understand how I would want something SO BADLY, yet felt nothing for her?
- After we broke up I went to see a psychologist about what had happened. I was certainly in some type of shock/anxiety, as I was still crying daily, I was forcing myself NOT to run and get her back to make it all better, but all in all - I was really struggling with understanding why my feelings never developed naturally - I felt this was abnormal? And the ED was freaking me out.
- it's probably a good time to say that from the moment I broke up with this girl to now, I've basically felt A-sexual. I haven't had an erection (other than 'morning wood') for almost 6-7 months and haven't felt like doing anything sexual with ANYONE for this time either. I feel the porn watching has had a dramatic effect on my sexual psychie and have since stopped watching it completely (using Your Brain On Porn) as a guide. So I am trying that in the background in the hope that its more healthy.
- Then, while I was trying to sort this issue out in my head (this happened almost 4 months ago) I remember internally thinking, well maybe you're gay? And since that point my mind has gone into OVERDRIVE trying to figure out whether I've actually been gay this whole time or whether this is just some kind of anxiety still taking over.
- when I initially questioned, it just made me feel really anxious and panic. It was like a question that would keep popping into my head 'Are you actually gay?' 'Is that why you felt nothing for this girl?'
- It then progressed into me frantically going back into my experiences and trying to find 'signs' that I was or wasn't gay. And I kept finding things I couldn't explain or 'potential proofs' that maybe I was gay. The fact that I've never had a high libido or been 'crazy' for girls like a lot of my mates (this one seems to be the hardest one for me to get my head around), the fact I've always been a bit more emotional than other mates (I appreciate this doesn't make someone gay), the fact that my best friends have always been females rather than males (again I appreciate this doesn't make someone gay), the fact that I'm not straight away just cancelling this out as an option! I also started (and am still doing so) looking at guys and assessing my response to them. It's like I'm forcing myself to have a response - anything!
- I've since found that this question continues to bring a sense of panic within me. I can no longer tell what's a real emotion and what's an anxiety based emotion. My brain is like obsessed with me to keep re-visiting to figure out whether I am one way or the other.

OVERALL - It's not that I feel really against being gay. Initially when I had the question come into my head I was certainly really against it. I HATED the thought of it. But it certainly continues to cause me a lot of anxiety, to the point I am avoiding certain behaviours, I am treating guys differently, I am assessing everything I do and say (even how I say it) and my brain is obsessed with trying to go back in time to analyse previous experiences for signs. I've NEVER had these thoughts before (at least that I can remember). Not once have I ever had to consider this as an option (if that makes sense?). Even in my previous relationships (more specifically the 6 year one) I never once felt I was attracted to guys? And that freaks me out too - why am I questioning this now and not in my past? And what does this all mean?

My psychologist feels its very unlikely that I'm gay, given I have never questioned this in my past at all and can't recall being attracted to any guys. In her experience, gay men have always felt they were hiding something, or there was something a little different. And she feels they have always eventually owned up to showing attraction to another male at some stage during their late childhood/early adulthood. Again - I don't seem to ever remember that being the case with me. We are still working through other options, but I am going to introduce her to the idea of HOCD tomorrow. Unsure on what she will say/help she can give.

My question and where I'd like advice is more around - is this HOCD or is this me discovering something more about me? In my mind, I want it to be HOCD, but ultimately - I just want to stop the extreme panic and anxiety this question and these thoughts are having on me.

Any advice would be amazing.