Hi, I made a similar post about this earlier but I feel like it was pretty unclear. I just need some advice because I’m stuck in a place where I’m just starting to come out to my friends but I’m not sure where to start. For some backstory I have a very tight knit friend group of about 6 people including me but I’m practically family with 2 of them who I’ve know for about 12 years. (I’m going to call them A and B so it doesn’t get too confusing) I’ve come out to friend A but not B. A was the first person who I really decided to come out to in which case I cared about her reaction (a few other people know but they’re lgbt as well so i wasn’t afraid to tell them). After I came out to A she told me not to tell B. I agreed with her because B has not expressed the most positive feedback towards lgbt topics (esp when it had to do w girls). However, I did want to tell a couple of other people in my friend group who I knew would be supportive. A told me that I shouldn’t because it would make B have an even worse reaction because I told other people that I wasn’t as close with before I told her. I kind of understand where she’s coming from, but I also want to be able to open up to some of my other friends. It also raises the chance of B hearing from someone other than me which would create a bad situation. Have any of you delt with anything similar? Or have any advice on what I should do? I’m in need of some outside opinions. Thank you, Nat❤️
In my opinion, it's really how comfortable you are with B knowing. Do you know her to be pro-LGBTQ+ or open minded? Despite the fact that you find them to be a close friend, I'd suggest you find out how "open-minded" they are before you come out to them.
If they are your closest friends, then they will respect your decision to come out to them when you feel ready. Even if they feel a bit put out by your decision, it's your life experience to cope with and they don't get to have control over it, they can only provide support for you if/when you ask for it. I think when we come out, it is important for us to tell newer friends who we don't have much history with. We are practically starting a new life by revealing something about ourselves that we haven't shared before, so telling new people is like looking at ourselves with fresh eyes, it helps us look forward rather than dwelling on friendships we've already been through. It's not that we're shutting the door on the past, we're opening the door to our future, and it's good to have new people to turn to when we're doing that.
yeah, I think so too. I just keep wondering if the reaction will be the same now or if I wait. I'm comfortable enough with my sexuality that she can't say much that will do much damage unless it has to do with our friendship. But I guess I'm the only one who can figure that out because I know her. Regardless, I know coming out to anybody is going to be a shot in the dark. Thanks for the reply!
Yeah, I'm hoping that she can understand why I came out in the order that I did. And you make a good point mentioning that its important to come out to new friends that I don't know as well. Thank you!
Honestly, for what it’s worth, so far I’ve only had one person ask or care where they were in the order of people being told and they turned out to be the most homophobic and unaccepting of anyone I’ve told so far and I actually regretted telling them so soon. Granted, I don’t have a lot of experience relatively speaking and have a very long way to go in this process. But the people who have been genuinely good friends and genuinely supportive didn’t care what order they were told in. For me, the first people I told were people I thought would have good advice, and that wasn’t my closest, oldest friends right off the bat. They came later.
The way you come out is your call. A doesn't really know how B will react, sometimes people don't react the way everybody thinks they will, so nobody can really say how anybody will react for sure. Imho, it's kind of inconsiderate for somebody to give you a hard time for not coming out sooner - the fear is real to you, and that's a completely good enough reason by itself. After getting to know my dad, multiple people have told me "Crazy you were scared to tell your dad". But it's the way they say it that makes it okay, if they told me I should have done it sooner or mad/guilt tripped me for telling him last, that wouldn't have been okay. Now that people know, especially other people in the friend group, you can't guarantee that B will never find out from somebody else. You can subtly ask B about how she feels about LGBT issues. You could ask others for a second opinion on how she reacts. But if you are pretty worried that she'll find out from somebody else, then I'd just tell her. Sometimes people we've known forever are the easiest to come out to because we trust them with our lives. More often than not, I think most people have the hardest coming out to people they've known for a long time or are super close with, because of the fear of ruining your friendship with so many memories and that has lasted such a long time.
