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Is it selfish to come out?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Vimto, Mar 9, 2020.

  1. Vimto

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    Hi. So happy to find this site.
    So I’m 46 & I figured I’m a lesbian. Finally.
    But I feel so selfish.

    I’m married to a nice, kind man. We’ve been together since I was 21 & married for 13years. But I think he’s asexual. We don’t really spend any time together socially or otherwise. We don’t argue. We’re just like housemates running a stable home for our 2 kids (8 & 13).
    But it feels so selfish to tell him which would break up that home & potentially be devastating for the kids. But I’m desperate for a proper relationship. I’ve always been interested in the lasses but I’m struggling to push the feelings away.

    And then there’s the doubts. What if I’m wrong. I’ve never even kissed a girl do how can I be sure about my sexuality enough to break us up over it? It’s driving me crazy.
     
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  2. LaurenSkye

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    I think it may be best for you to have a serious talk with your husband. Tell him how you feel, discuss what is best for each of you and what is best for your kids. It's common for two married adults to have to have a difficult conversation with each other about their feelings whatever they may be. Coming out to him as a lesbian is no different.
     
  3. Really

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    Hey @Vimto

    Welcome to EC!

    You’re definitely not selfish for wanting to come out. We should all be the most “us” we can be. That includes your husband. Whether his seeming asexuality means he’s possibly not straight, himself, or his subconscious has told him your gay so not the right sexual partner for him, changing the definition of your relationship could be good for him, as well.

    As for your kids, there are ways to make a changes so they get through this as smoothly as possible. With the help of a therapist, if possible. :] And kids are pretty adaptable, aren’t they? The two of you will still be great parents. Just in a different relationship configuration. It’s totally possible.

    I don’t think you’ll be wrong about your sexuality. I‘m pretty sure straight women don’t wish they could be with other women. :}

    Stick around. We’re all here for each other.
     
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  4. Nebulous

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    Really? When was the last time you had sex?
     
  5. Vimto

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    July 2019. And then about a year before that.
     
  6. Vimto

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    Thanks for the positive reply. I suppose I’m just terrified of hurting everyone. I’m the one that keeps everyone together and now I feel like I’m turning all that upside down.
     
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  7. SevnButton

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    @Vimto , you need to take car of yourself in order to be able to take care of others. It's not selfish, it's practical.
     
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  8. Really

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    Hey there. Try not to “pre-blame” yourself for a hurt you’re expecting to inflict on others. I’ll bet nobody will actually think you’re at fault. If they do, they’ll be mistaken. You are/will not be doing any of this on purpose. You’re just doing what is necessary to live your truth. Which can only be good, right? And not just for you. Would you want your kids or anyone else you love not being their whole selves?

    I understand that it will change your relationship with your husband but maybe it will be for the better! I suspect your kids can sense something isn’t quite right with you, too. I’m sure you’d feel much better being able to be honest with everyone.

    And why do you feel you’re holding everything together? Surely, that’s not your responsibility. Sure, the kids need taking care of, etc but that can’t be 100% down to you. All the adults around you are responsible for themselves. Right?

    Take a breath. You’ll figure this out.
     
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  9. Vimto

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    Thanks @Really. Just scared of hurting him - feel like I’m pulling the rug from under him. Everything he thinks is secure is about to change.
     
  10. Really

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    @Vimto

    What if you eased into some serious conversations bit by bit? You don’t have to jump right to the big “I’m gay and leaving you” (or whatever you ultimately decide) but start with a gentler “hey, are we happy?”, “are you?”, etc. Build up to what would improve things for both of you. And then see how to navigate the conversation so his feelings are equally considered without suppressing your own.
     
  11. SevnButton

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    @Vimto , I think it's good and kind for you to consider how you will affect your husband. Speaking from my own perspective, it's been really difficult for my wife since I came out to her as bi, even though I also told her I have always been faithful and will continue to be. Also, decades ago, when I got dumped by the woman I thought I was going to spend my life with, it was brutal. But everyone is different. And with that said, I think you need to be true to yourself. I hope you will be gentle, and also bluntly honest, and that you and your husband will decide together what to do.
     
  12. Shell87

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    Hi @Vimto,

    My ex had Asperger's and was far from a loving relationship. We lived together but definitely more like friends.
    I think it's really common to question yourself, to wonder if you really are gay when you have never kissed a woman. I felt exactly the same. The process of thinking you're ruining what you currently have for something that may not be real. You wonder if its all in your head at least 50 times a day.

    For me, I started to feel so trapped (I'm lesbian) and I thought the anxiety and stress of wrestling with it would kill me. I told my husband, we stayed on good terms. I kissed a woman not too long after and it was amazing, something I will never forget!

    My marriage was unhappy to start with and needed to end long before I came out. Coming out is hard as you build it up for so long in your head. I practised what to say for at least 2 days but then just had to do it. I hope all of the amazing replies have helped you!
     
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  13. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @Vimto

    Welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    I can only really echo the replies above and say that I felt very similar to you when I was in your position. There’s loads of support here and there’s no rush to act - it can take some time to process.

    Right now, it might feel like an awful thing to do to your husband, but in the long term, being honest is much better for both of you.
     
  14. Lia Maz

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    I think it's really common to questionyourself, to wonder if you really are gay when you have never kissed a woman. I felt exactly the same. The process of thinking you're ruining what you currently have for something that may not be real. You wonder if its all in your head at least 50 times a day.
    just wanted to say this comment from Shell87 really resonated with me. Vimeo I am in a similar position. I love my husband, I want to protect him and my family from hurt but these feelings about women just won’t go away yet I don’t know how I would feel if I actually was with a woman. It’s difficult.