1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

is it really all down to fantasies?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Hope4love, Jan 22, 2020.

  1. Hope4love

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2018
    Messages:
    163
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    Africa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    If yes I want to know why?
    I'm always fantasizing about men rarely women, but when it comes to real life attractions I don't think or feel that way, in fact it's quite the opposite, my heart beats faster to woman and i feel more comfortable around men, i feel a connection (if it occurs) mostly with woman not men, but when it comes to fantasizing and what turns me on it's always "memories" of men I saw in real life or porn.
    I'm so confused as what should I identify as
     
    Ninny and Dreamsexul like this.
  2. gravechild

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2013
    Messages:
    3,368
    Likes Received:
    95
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Sounds like bisexual leaning gay. The heart beat could be due to many reasons. Is it pleasant?

    When you say "connection", do you mean physical, romantic, both?

    I'd say its your reaction to those fantasies. If you were turned off by men, you'd probably never think of them.
     
    MBM4K54 likes this.
  3. BaconBacon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2019
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Uk
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I can see why that is confusing!

    The one thing that helped give me clarity was to stop using porn and try "No fap" challenge for a bit.

    Porn was blurring everything and i was constantly trying to test my fantasies. It gave me space to reassess the situation. It brought more clarity.
     
    Lek likes this.
  4. Hope4love

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2018
    Messages:
    163
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    Africa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I Did that too and wrote a lot about it, my biggest streak was 70 days, I relapsed cause I realized I was 100% gay it was scary and I felt inner peace at the same time, but I relapsed because I heard straight porn would change my sexuality lol
     
  5. Hope4love

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2018
    Messages:
    163
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    Africa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    by connection I mean romantic only
     
    gravechild likes this.
  6. Username18920

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2020
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I am still attracted to a women, their bodies, the curves and softness, their warmth and their smell. I just cant get excited like I used to about them, dont even want to kiss or have sex for the most part unless its a rare moment when my testosterone peaks and I go with it. Though that doesnt mean I am into it, I just use those days to keep the girlfriend happy and not complaining that Im not interested any more.

    Thing is I cant just "get going" to her, I have to think about a man or thoughts of her with another man to get my juices going, funny but when Im in my own head thinking about some stud banging her I get so excited and she notices and comments how excited or hard I am just before I orgasm. lol

    So long story short, straight stuff bores me, straight porn? Cant get excited. Gay thoughts or porn, even minor thoughts about men get me going right away, over and over. Thats how I know even though I may still question my sexuality.
     
    Ninny likes this.
  7. BaconBacon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2019
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Uk
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone

    I find it interesting that you used to find women exciting but no longer. My first thought was your bisexual, Kinsey 2, you just got bored with your girlfriend and the relationship and have lost interest in her. There is the dopamine pathway, over time it becomes desensitized, this is the reason why the seven seven-year itch occurs in a lot of relationships. As you can't be with a man due to your relationship your dopamine pathway finds that being with a man would really stimulate it.
     
  8. 10 5 gang

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2020
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Tulsa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Quick question. When you watched straight porn in "whose shoes did you put yourself in ". Or who were you focusing on?
     
    Ninny likes this.
  9. Kwekie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2017
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    30
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Im in a similar boat where; when i was younger i was heavily attracted to women, and would get anxious and nervous around them, just a girl walking by was pleasant due to the smell. And now, while i still get nervous and undergo other physiological signs of attraction towards women in the moment-- heightened state of awareness, looking at her body and enjoying it etc-- i basically can not get off to straight fantasies or straight porn. At best, im excited at cuckolding which turns gay, thats about as straight as my current fantasy life is. My current thought process is something along the lines of, perhaps high libido in youth and the very obvious fact that women are attractive made and society told me to look there, made me do so. But when that fades and continues to fade maybe women just wont and cant fulfill?
     
    #9 Kwekie, Apr 2, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2020
    eron likes this.
  10. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    15,116
    Likes Received:
    2,996
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I've never seen anyone attribute the "seven year itch" to desensitization of the dopamine pathway, and making the connection between the dopamine pathway and sexual orientation is definitely not supported in any of the (rather substantial portion of) literature I've read on the topic. I'd be interested in reading anything you've seen that supports this idea.

    OP: It's actually quite common for folks who are in the process of coming to terms with being gay (or on the gay side of bi) to find their attraction to women decreasing over time. If you read over the threads of many of the 'later in life' folks here on EC, you'll see that's a pretty common theme to many people, as well as folks in their later teens and 20s who had opposite-sex attractions in their earlier years, but as they acknowledged their same-sex attraction, found the opposite sex attraction falling away.

    From all of the data I've seen, this has zero to do with dopamine desensitization and everything to do with the conscious/unconscious "argument" that happens as one is coming to terms with being gay. Denial can be incredibly powerful, and so as we fully accept who we are, and the denial falls away, people commonly realize that the basic hardwired attraction they are feeling to same-sex people is actually different and in most cases much stronger than the original attraction to the opposite sex was. Our societal conditioning can be incredibly strong in suppressing our true feelings until somethign happens that the true feelings finally start to emerge.
     
    Hope4love and Pole star like this.
  11. BaconBacon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2019
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Uk
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone


    I don't think it affects sexual orientation. I was trying to say if you are bisexual from the beginning. Being with someone for a long time can get boring and the most exciting thing would be the other gender and confusion may result from that. I was talking in terms of relationships, cheating etc. Sorry, I didn't explain my point well enough plus this thread for orientation.
     
  12. 10 5 gang

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2020
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Tulsa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    For true bisexual I'm pretty they're excitement for opposite sex people wouldn't wane at all. They'd definitely notice same sex people a little more but they're same sex attraction would still be there.
     
    Chip likes this.
  13. xenu

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2015
    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    22
    Location:
    Tulsa
    I seem to be kind of a mix. My fantasies have always mostly revolved around guys, but I tend to be attracted to women as well in person. It doesn't seem to be a stable thing either, as I tend to shift back and forth every few years. I tend to refer to myself as gay, but the truth is I am somewhere in between.
     
    Ninny likes this.
  14. Hope4love

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2018
    Messages:
    163
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    Africa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I don't really remember lol but now I know i'm bi but I like men more
     
  15. Username18920

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2020
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I used to think I started having these fantasies involving men as a teen because of the taboo factor or just something that got me off randomly while fantasizing, over the course of time it never wained and only got stronger until a time came years later when I was single and decided to open myself up to men and see if I liked them as much as I thought I might in my head. It was eye opening and I knew right away it was something I was open to in the future, it was exciting and scary and I felt like I was starting dating all over again just with a man now.. Once that happened and I knew what I was missing I wasn't able to get as excited with women any more on that level, I still appreciate a woman and find them visually attractive because thats what I know and was comfortable with for years. But I would lose "interest" so to speak in the middle of things if I could get interested at all with new women no matter how smart, sexy or delicious their bodies were I had to think about men while I was engaging with females to "get there" if you know what I mean.
    I guess I was bisexual for a while, then I realized after experimenting with a few guys then I found a man I was really into and comfortable with that I did want more, I was more than bisexual and could see dating and romance with men in a perfect world. There are a few guys I have been into just haven't found my match yet or I would be dating men more than likely. Love women just not into them sexually at all any more.
     
  16. idunnome

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2020
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Colombia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I dont think it goes down to fantasies to be honest, specially if your mind is polluted with porn use, because fantasies/porn arent a reality, even the most well documented homemade porn loses a lot of stuff and info from reality, the smells, the mental before and after, the things you cant describe and wont notice because you dont want to lose the moment... al those the complexity of a sexual act. Is that what lots of teenager finds out when they lose their virginity, porn/fantasies are not reality and the act is more than what they ever imagined in their head, more complete.

    There is people with years of watching vore porn that even if they let the porn for a lot of time, the fantasies still persist at a while and maybe more than persist i mean everyone can imagine a peprfect scenario where they act. Does that makes them sexually oriented toward fantasy that doesnt exist? No, or well, its debatable.

    Now there is the social filter that everyone has and has to open in order to know themselves really, without internal cognitive biases. I think the answer lays in shutting the mind without judgement like in mindfulness/mediation, i think that it does a better job beeing an indicator because you listen to your body, what you really want and its not polluted with any mental construct (negative or positive) towards the thing.