Is it possible to not realise that you were gay earlier in life?

Hey everyone and thanks for your input!

It's fascinating to hear people's experiences, and it seems that we have a pretty even split regarding people's identification with the two scenarios (albeit with some clarification about what it means to 'know').

I do wonder if it is harder for bisexuals to know their orientation early in life, as the nature of their attraction to the opposite sex in addition to the same could cloud matters, as part of them does fit into a heteronormative society naturally.

I wonder if bisexuals would perhaps more identify with the second scenario than the first?

 

I think bisexuality is more confusing. I discovered I had feelings for girls and boys from a young age but it freaked me out. I thought I was abnormal. I didn't know bisexuality existed and I thought that normal people only had feelings for one gender (our hairdressers were gay so I knew homosexuality existed). I repressed that specific moment for years (too emotional to remember I think). And when I fell in love with a girl during a camp when I was a few years older I reasoned it away with the everyone has feelings for both genders and eventually you have to choose reasoning. I got a fling with a boy during the same camp to confirm if I was still attracted to boys too - which I was. I didn't have any romantic feelings for the boy contrary to the girl but I still considered myself straight at that point. I still hadn't heard the word bisexuality. And I was very confused. But then I had a latin teacher who thaught us about bisexuality and I had a huge crush on and a date with a boy who was openly bi so things became clearer and as of 17 I considered myself in a "bisexual phase" but still thinking that at the end of it I would be able to choose... Until I realized that phases normally don't last that long... And that I am unable to choose and never will be able to choose because I am bisexual.

 

Yes it is definetally possible. The signs of my being gay were there at 11/12 but i was too ashamed and afraid so i explained it away, thought it was inappropriate, and convinced myself i was the epitome of a good daughter - straight of course. I only started questioning when i started crushing on an androgynous new girl at work around age 22. It took a few years before i could confidently label myself gay though. I think if that girl had not started working there for a time, i would have gone on even longer not letting myself even question it!

 

This is a really good thread! Peterpangirl, thank you for your great list--a lot of those feel like they apply to me. I definitely fell into category 2 of the OP's post, with repression rather than denial. I just blocked out a lot of sexuality, and thought I hadn't found the right guy to "click" with while not paying much attention to my noticing women's bodies. As peterpangirl said, I thought it was normal to notice the "competition." It also didn't help that I am a very feminine woman, and I didn't see how I could possibly be gay since (according to my mind at the time) gay people don't look like me! Also very conservative Christian background. All conspired towards strong self repression until about age 23, at which point I started acceptance, and it was completely terrifying and lonely.

 

I accepted my orientation in my 40s. Looking back I realise there were signs I was gay for many years but I just did not realise it then. When I was a teenager in school I was bullied and teased by guys as effeminate - that was the first time I heard that and I went into a shell. I felt ashamed and when boys kept on teasing me publicly it felt terrible and lonely. I just could not understand what was happening and I withdrew into a shell. I was afraid that I may be a girl in a man's body or something like that. I repressed my sexual feelings and concentrated only on my studies where I did very well. However going through university was a nightmare because of the constant teasing and I was lonely with very few friends. I withdrew socially and this had a real bad effect on me. I was so ashamed and embarrassed that I could not speak to my parents or sister although I think even she may have noticed that I have some effeminate mannerisms. It was a torture to try and correct my mannerisms and try and be someone else. This contributed to social anxiety. I was surprised why I did not have any interest in girls but convinced myself that this was because I spent all my time in books and studies and so did not have time to think about them. However I would constantly look at attractive guys and I convinced myself that it was because they were good looking and one would always appreciate a thing of beauty! There were so many guys I had an attraction to and even held hands with someone but still could not figure out. I guess because there was no mention of it anywhere around me. Only mention was of actors dying of AIDS in Hollywood.
In my sexual fantasies I would always imagine sex between man and a woman where somehow I identified with the female - that was how deep the repression was. Now I have no issue imagining sex with a man!
I even got married in my late thirties as it was the done thing where I came from - the marriage broke up in a few months for different reasons but I was actually not making any efforts to make it work! Surprise surprise! I was very depressed after the divorce as to the direction my life was taking and I started going to the gym to get into shape. The very first day there was a guy giving me the looks and I could not take my eyes off him. It took me six months to realise I was attracted to him! I spoke to a therapist and I heard myself saying 'I am gay'. Acceptance was immediate. It was a relief. I realised I could be a man and still love a man. I do not have to be a female to love a male.
So there you go...

 

Thats quite a journey Pole Star! Glad you finally got to a place where you can embrace yourself!

 

My Denial has been very strong and still kicks in at times when it is 'convenient' to ignore my sexuality I am so used to do this over the years but in fact it destroys me a little each time.
So we all have to live with ourselves not other people's perceptions.

 

This is a great post. I definitely fall into Category 2 2. People that did not even know they were gay when younger, and around mid-life realize that they are gay even though they thought they were straight up until that point of later realization.. It was like a discovery that I was repressing myself without even knowing it. It took years to undo the repression but there was that one day......and the rest is history.

 

I fall into two. For years I wrote off my masturbation fantasies as fantasies and I was able to 'get off' having sex with women. It was easy to suppress or never let romantic feelings and fantasies about men happen.

But once I came here and posted "I think I might be gay' it all started to fall apart and I realized the feelings that I suppressed.