Is it possible to continue a hetero relationship after coming out?

dch, I remember another post somewhere from you where you were much less certain about coming out. I am so excited for you to have made the decision to do so on your own schedule and if your own will!

I was forced to come out to my wife after a stalker exposed that I had cheated on my wife. All of this was last week. Her response was as expected. She is very hurt and angry. My revelation has broken her. She won’t see me or communicate with me.

With my situation being very recent, I won’t give you advice.

But, I do recommend not cheating like I did
This definitely made my situation worse than it had to be.

Stay strong for yourself. You have to put in your own oxygen mask before you can help anyone else. Put yourself first and go from there.

You, your decision, and your family are in my prayers.

 

It's kind of a moot point if your girlfriend isn't even aware of what's going on. I would say options 1 and 2 are not viable and I'm surprised your therapist would entertain them as possibilities (if they did). I don't mean to be harsh, but while you're taking your time to process your feelings, your girlfriend's time is slipping away. In a situation like this, there are competing rights: your right to come to terms with who you are, and your girlfriend's right to make an informed decision.

You need to face this head on and stop hedging / bargaining / postponing. It's not going to be easy no matter when you do it. You'll feel destabilised, anxious, and depressed. But you'll come out of the other end as authentically yourself, possible for the first time in your life. The pain you'll go through will be worth it. But avoidance will get you nowhere. As is always the case, "the best way out is through".

 

I think you definitely need to tell her asap. There is a tipping point with these things, and during uncertainty about orientation it might be excusable to not tell a significant other, especially if there is a lot riding on the whole thing, like marriage and children. But now you are certain of your orientation, and a delay will just make it very unfair for her, and even you. It sounds like all the options you listed are things you're willing to try if she is. Honestly I think I'd scratch option 1 off your list. 2 and 3 are possible, but only if she's already suspected that you are gay and just hasn't brought it up. If this blindsides her then I would not expect a positive, pragmatic response. Like you said, it's most likely to be option 4. Just tell her and let the dust settle however it does. The truth will set you both free, even if it's through great struggle.

 

I agree with what Colm says. In my opinion if you want to live openly and authentically as a gay man the only real option is to separate. Certainly my former wife and I came to the conclusion fairly quickly after my coming out that that was the only viable course. It was painful but it was the right thing and we have both come through it. Wish you the best of luck!

 

I think it would be near impossible to remain in some type of heterosexual relationship once you are truly out. It would be unfair to both of you as neither can emotionally and sexually satisfy the other. It is a recipe for 2 people to share a miserable unfulfilled life. For me once I embraced my homosexuality I could never have stayed with my then long term GF. Towards the end of that relationship I started to resent her through no fault of hers just my changing sexuality. I avoid intimacy at all costs and didn’t even want to touch her. No relationship could survive that. The only option which was painful more so for her than I was to definitively end our fractured relationship. I have never looked back with regret.

 

I know at least a couple gay guys who stayed in their marriages after coming out. I have a sense one is “doing it for our child”, and the other may be “gay +1” where his wife is the significant exception to otherwise complete attraction to males. I’ve met other guys who have both a FWB (or boyfriend) and a wife, openly and respectfully negotiated.

I’m bisexual and staying in my marriage, monogamously, as I love my wife very much. When I came out to our (adult) kids, one said “I guess that can work, since you are bisexual, not gay.” Yep.

 

Disclaimer, have not read all the post yet. But I do want to comment, based upon the title.
Kind of like sitting on the lakeshore and putting your feet in beautiful clear lake water. Feels wonderful, but if you dont jump in and swim a bit you'll never get the full body experience.

 

Are you happy? I don't think so.

 

Why would a bisexual person not be happy in a monogamous marriage with a person they love?

 

It's ok when you are bi, but it's very common that people are not so bisexual as they think. Real bisexual people should not ask about the future of realationship with woman.

 

I’m not sure what you are saying? I think a bi person could be “happy enough”.

 

Happy enough? Why not be totally happy in your sexuality. Why settle?

 

Because life is complicated. Because bisexuality is complicated.

 

You responded to DecentOne, not the OP. DecentOne does not appear to be very confused about anything. Just saying.

What she said. I'm not really a fan of setting the lives of everyone I love on fire because I want to be as happy as humanly possible, because what we think might make us happier, can often leave us bereft of what really mattered most.