As weird as that title sounds... it's something that was brought up to me by a counselor. I've never felt suicidal, but the counselor mentioned that some of my actions look like death-seeking behaviors but in a way where it would look more accidental than purposeful to others. I thought they were making stuff up, but after thinking about it.. I guess it could make sense. Drinking a lot, some drug use, being in dangerous situations for parties, adrenaline seeking like skydiving and motorcycle tricks etc. Also a car accident last year that I thought was just losing control due to being upset and distracted at the time...I suppose theoretically might not have been an accident and could have been more of a subconscious decision. What do you guys think...is it possible to want to die without knowing it?
It's not dumb at all. Our unconscious drives a lot of our actions, and if at a deep level, someone feels so unworthy of love and belonging that s/he doesn't feel like the situation is resolvable... it is entirely possible that s/he might engage in various high-risk behaviors, with the unconscious hope that maybe one of them will end his or her life. Another piece of this is depression, which, especially when fueled by drug or alcohol or other mind-altering substance use, can quickly spiral out of control so that something that might seem unthinkable a day or a few hours ago can start to look viable. Someone once described cigarette smoking as a socially acceptable form of suicide; cigarettes are the only product legally sanctioned and sold in the US that, when used as directed, kills a significant number of its users. And Gabor Maté among others has written extensively on the emotional underpinnings of many physical degenerative diseases in his wonderful book 'The Body Says No", basically identifying various personality issues (pleasing others, shame, etc) that highly correlate with those with various illnesses. So yes, absolutely it is possible. And I also concur with what johndeere3020 says above; there's some pretty good data that many of the people that engage in high-adrenalin behaviors, or even S&M, are often doing what they do simply to be able to feel something, because they have numbed out so completely.
In that case, I guess the follow up question would be... how does someone stop subconsciously wanting to die if they don't even realize they feel that way to begin with?
It’s not dumb. I use to always say... I’ve never had suicidal thoughts. This was because I’d never had a plan or an active thought. I’d wanted it to be over (the problem even when it felt like it was my life), I wanted to just sleep... go to sleep and stay that way because I actually had some peace... things like that. It was not till therapy last year I said this my therapist said “well those are passive sucidial thoughts!” Something I’d never even consider... so yea totally possible to have these thoughts and not be aware of it. They could come on in other forms... these are just my examples.
Well, as you probably surmise, there isn't a simple, single "do this and it will stop" solution. What it really resolves back to (according to the research assembled by Brené Brown and others) is self-love (and I don't mean masturbation), gratitude, self-compassion, and learning to believe that you are worthy of love and belonging. One of the biggest steps in that direction is mindfulness, which is becoming a major buzz word in mental health circles these days, but is really a serious thing. Mindfulness can mean many things, but in this context it refers to taking a step back from every thought, feeling, experience you have, every decision you're about to make, and consider what's motivating that decision, what's driving that desire, what's going through your head. When we learn to stop and be mindful, then we realize that so many of our perceptions and beliefs aren't objective, but are basically learned, almost automatic responses. And one of the deepest and most pernicious is shame, the fundamental belief we're not worthy of love and belonging, not _______________ enough (smart, attractive, capable, competent, a million other things.) So when we're mindful of our own self-talk, we can interrupt the re-cycling of the old, distorted thoughts that our families-of-origin (and other experiences) filled us with, and replace them with more objective views of the world. And for those negative or shameful thoughts that remain... we can talk about them, and ask others around us to help us understand whether the thoughts are objective or distorted. It's a process, but it's an incredibly valuable and life-changing one for those who commit to it.
Absolutely. It is posible to feel all kinds of things that the society or internal rational censor does not approve.
i think your counselor's right. that's actually really interesting because i've never really thought about that but it's funny how many things your brain can do without you knowing what's even happening. anyway i hope you stay safe!!
