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Is coming out always better than staying in the closet?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by IDKWhattodo, Jan 8, 2008.

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  1. IDKWhattodo

    IDKWhattodo
    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Southern U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My situation is fairly common, yet I can’t seem to find the right answers. This may be too long for some of you to read, but I need to tell my story to someone else. No one knows the real me, which makes it very difficult to receive useful advice. Hopefully, someone will help me find what I’m looking for.

    I am a 20-year-old college student. My family is very conservative, but they are not particularly religious. I am also conservative, although my true feelings sometimes do not always agree with what I believe in. I know some of you probably blame societal norms, but I have thought many things through taking society’s general beliefs into account.

    I have always known that I am attracted to men, yet I have always had an attraction to women as well. I was overweight growing up, and I have sometimes blamed my attraction to men on my desire to have the perfect physique. I am physically fit now, but that still doesn’t change what I have always desired to look like. I am not in the least bit attracted to men who are even slightly chubby, which is why I blame some of my attraction on the simple fact that I think the physically fit male body is sexually attractive.

    I have always had the tendency to look at relationships with my best friends like I would with my relationships with my girlfriends. I still haven’t figured out if it is because I want a relationship with them or if it is because I never had a true best friend growing up. I get attached fairly easy, and I can be extremely emotional.

    I had my first homosexual experience during my sophomore year of high school with my best friend. We would do everything together. We even drove to school together, shared a locker, and had similar class schedules. Our friends would make fun of us for being so close, and some would even look closer at our relationship to see if we were having a romantic relationship as well. I now know that I fell in love with him.

    My parents were out of town, and I was staying at his house for the week. Many of you remember how sleepovers are; guys will often experiment. We were drinking at his house late one night, and we were both pretty intoxicated. I remember him putting on Cinemax porn and pulling his erect penis out. We both just started joking around, but it led to us eventually jacking each other off. We barely talked about it the next day, but he made a comment to me about him wondering if I was gay. I laughed, denied it, and blamed it on the alcohol. We both decided it wasn’t going to happen again, even though I secretly wanted it to.

    A few weeks later we were drinking heavily again. This time we got into a fight. He started crying and said he didn’t know what he would do if we were to stop being friends. I acted freaked out, but inside I felt great to know he felt that way towards me. We were lying on the bed. I remember giving him a hug, but I was slightly on top of him because he was slightly slouched over because he was upset. I whispered in his ear that we would be friends forever, no matter what. We both began to breathe heavily, and our hearts were beating fast. Very casually, our cheeks touched. A thousand thoughts were racing through my head, until he put his lips up to mine and began kissing me. We took things much farther this time.

    Our relationship was never the same. Just a few weeks after that he decided that he liked my step-sister, and I was in the way of them having a relationship. She didn’t like him, but she wanted to prove to me that she could take him away from me if she wanted to. My step-sister and I don’t have the greatest relationship to say the least.

    My best friend and I then became enemies. It was awkward at parties, football games, school… everywhere we were together. People poked fun and said that we “broke up.” In reality, that’s what it felt like more than anything.

    We eventually made up and became friends. I see him when I come back home for breaks from college, but always in a social scene. He has a girlfriend of a couple years now, who I am also friends with. I talk to him on the phone occasionally, and we act like nothing ever happened. Still, it is awkward around him. Sometimes we will look at each other and for a split second it will be like it was when we were best friends. We will give each other an inconspicuous smile or smirk, and go on to what we were doing. It is very weird yet somehow satisfying if that makes any sense. I know he still cares about me, but he is a very egocentric and jealous person… just like me. I know this because every girl I have ever dated he has hated. Every guy I become close to he tries to hang out with. It is like a sick yet addicting game. Moving away to college is the only thing that ended it.

    Throughout high school, I dated many girls. I fell in love with a girl that I dated my entire senior year. To this day I wonder if I loved her as a girlfriend or best friend. I was the first out of my friends to lose my virginity, and I had a reputation as a player. Still, I knew somehow that I wasn’t being completely honest with myself.

    Then, college came. I am currently in the middle of my sophomore year. I have had many homosexual and heterosexual experiences. All of the guys besides one are “straight.” The one who isn’t acts entirely straight. I became very attached to him over the summer, and you can find the thread about that situation on here if you look for it.’

    I don’t know what I should do. I know that I enjoy sex with men, but I see myself marrying a woman and having children. I want to be true to myself and tell those around me what I feel, but I also do not know if I really know what being true to myself means.

    If I come out as bisexual, then I feel like I might as well come out as 100% gay even though I know I am not. A girl does not want to be involved with a guy who is bisexual, especially when she could be with someone who is completely straight.

    My family will support me in whatever I do, but I still do not want to be the “gay” one. My friends… well, I don’t know what my friends will think or if I will have any. All of my friends think I am completely straight because I hook up with girls. I guess I am scared that I will be embarrassed and shunned away from everyone if I come out as bisexual.

    I don’t know if I am strong enough to do that yet.

    I want to live my life open, and I don’t want to waste time living like someone I am not. I don’t know, however, if the benefits outweigh the costs. Everything in my life would change, including my relationships with everyone around me. I know my family would support me, but I also know that people would treat me differently… no matter how subtle it may be.

    My life would be completely different. I know that I am bisexual. I have accepted that. My questions don’t revolve around my sexuality, but they involve whether or not it is better to stay in the closet or come out.

    The future is a funny thing. I have recently thought about my future. I have always thought I would marry a woman, have children, and live happily ever after. I can not, however, think about my life in the future not including sexual relations with men. I am so used to them being on the side, hidden from everyone around me, that it has grown to become arousing to some degree.

    Maybe I am in denial or maybe I am actually thinking rationally.

    Does coming out always end up being the better decision? A person who sleeps with 10 different women or men each week during college does not mean that they will do the same thing when they get older. A college kid who goes out and gets drunk almost every night of the week doesn’t mean he or she is destined to party their whole life. What we want isn’t always what we need or what is best for us.

    All I know is that I need to make a decision fast. This might not make sense because I am just rambling in hopes that my honest feelings will be portrayed. If anyone needs anything to be cleared up or have any questions then please ask.

    Should I come out? If so, then how and why? Please take into account the costs and benefits.
     
    #1 IDKWhattodo, Jan 8, 2008
  2. Wired106

    Wired106
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    Hey IDKWhattodo, from every other thread that I have read about situations like this, they have said that they are extremely happy and feel relieved from coming out. Even though I havn't come out yet myself, I could tell if I could come out easily then I would because I know for a fact that I would feel so much happier and I think everything for me would change just knowing people know and are supporting me in some way. If people know I think it would help me a ton, and by the way other people have talked about their situations on coming out, I've read that they are extremely happy. Unfortunately, there can be people that put you down so you might want to limit the number of people you bring yourself out to at first. But seriously, I want to soon but I go to an all guys school so if it gets out at school... I don't even want to think of what could happen. You're a little older though so it might be easier. I really got a feeling you will be more relieved and happier though. Anyways, good luck with everything.
     
    #2 Wired106, Jan 8, 2008
  3. Defender

    Defender Guest

    Hi :slight_smile:.

    I think the best thing to do would be to think about the people you know and one that's trustworthy. If you don't want to, you don't have to tell everyone right now. Maybe it would be best to just tell one person?
    When I first came out, it was to my parents, it was forced. Since then, i've only told one other person that's very supportive and I am very that I did it. The friend that I told lives a fair distance away, so I sent her an email telling her. It was much easier. It's good to feel as though there is someone out there that knows the true me. I am so tired of hiding it, I know that once I get out on my own, it won't matter much anymore.
     
    #3 Defender, Jan 8, 2008
  4. chrisb

    chrisb
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    Well i read everything you wrote and had to put myself in youre situation and way of thinking as i, myself am not bisexual. But i always pictured myself having kids and marrying a woman to but i never really thought about sex when i thought like that or the fact that i would find a accepting community and realize i could come out and not worry about hate or denial....i mean alot of people do but it's really never as bad as you think it will be in most cases...

    I to at first thought maybe i was atracted to guys because i wanted to look more like them, i was never overweight but i was never the best looking and i knew it.... I never dated, but i realized i didnt want to date girls and that i was gay as time progressed..

    Anyway about your situation if you don't live at home i think you could come out as bisexual without word spreading to everyone, i know it sounds awful to some and like youre living two lives but in some situations it may be best atleast for awhile.... i mean you can always tell others as time passes.....but you could just tell your family and then be out wherever you live outside of your hometown and live a totally normal and healthy life....but when you visit home it's a temporary back in the closet mode..... i mean i don't think i could ever do it.......... but everything takes time never make a quick decision on something like this.....take it slow.........

    Anyway keep us updated....
     
    #4 chrisb, Jan 8, 2008
  5. sexyalex

    sexyalex
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    ok i don't mean to sound like a bitch....but seriosuly i thought i had it bad. u were brave enough to face yours, after i had my first and only homosexual experience with my best friend i felt so awful i never spoke to him again. I don't think i am the best person to tell u what to do because i am sorta like the oposite of you really...except i havn't reached ur age or lvl yet and except the fact that when i was a kid growing up i was teased and called names like Santa Claus brother because i was fat(now i vie to be a fashion model). but stuff like u being a man whore(which male or female is not a bad thing comming from me); i did appologise for being a bitch.....
    and you being one of the first amongst ur friends to lose your virginity which i havn't has yet while everyone else(even my not soo attractive friends) has. *sigh* it's just quite pathetic and epic to even think about. I just want u to know i read ur whole thing and you can have children and get married if u want to. you control your own destiny. and you being a party animal...don't worry about it, when u realise how much other things matter in life u will cut down, it's just a phase.

    final comment, u mentioned something earlier about "A girl does not want to be involved with a guy who is bisexual, especially when she could be with someone who is completely straight." well young man let me enlighten you on how WRONG you are about that. in fact, 80% of females according to statistics (and trust me i should know, i practically only tarry with females) would rather date a bisexual guy because they do things that straight men don't....it is also proveen that females rather to be with bisexual men because they put intimacy first before "love making" and and tend to show far greater sexual and emotional understanding for women. (think u can relate...well other than the fact that ur a player *scoffs*)

    but anyways.......don't take it from me. next time u go grind with a bitch how about asking her about her sexual preferences over a drink or two :slight_smile: or better yet do what i did (SURVAY! ^.^)....yes i am stupid and crazy like that -.-

    PS- my cool yet nosey cousin said to type in that your not bisexual, your just horny xD
     
    #5 sexyalex, Jan 9, 2008
  6. Samii

    Samii
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hm~ I think you are wrong about any woman wanting being with bisexual man. I like women. But I am in love with one man. This is who I am and I can not change this. Maybe one day I will marry woman. Maybe not.
    Some time I think coming out can be bad thing. With you it is maybe not. It is good accepting this and being self with all person but some time it is better keeping secret because it will make to many troubles.
    If you are coming out or not I think it is important being honest with self. If you are bisexual come out bisexual.
     
    #6 Samii, Jan 9, 2008
  7. Fiorino

    Fiorino
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    Hey. I can relate a lot to your situation. I'd say come out to close friends and
    people you trust first. Later, you can come out fully (as bi) if you want but
    it's best to wait until you're prepared for it (but only if you want to and if
    you feel you need to). Hope that helped
    :icon_wink
     
    #7 Fiorino, Jan 9, 2008
  8. Jim1454

    Jim1454
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    Hi there. I can certainly relate to many aspects of your situation...

    Comment 1: You DON'T need to come to any conclusions quickly! What's the hurry? Life isn't a race.

    Comment 2: After you come out to people, if they know you well enough and you know them well enough, they won't treat you ANY differently.

    Comment 3: I'm not sure whether women DO or DON'T prefer to be with a bi-sexual man. That would depend on the individual woman and the individual man. What I DO know is that women DON'T want their man sleeping around behind their back, regardless of whether it's with a man or a woman. So don't ever kid yourself that it would be ok to get married and have kids and live the 'perfect' life and still have sex with men on the side. It's NOT ok.

    Any serious relationship you have should be based on honesty. If you're sure that you're bi and know that you'll want to have sexual experiences with men while you're married, then you'd better find a wife that is OK with that. It wouldn't be fair to her or to you if you spend the rest of your lives with this secret...

    I liked guys, watched gay porn, didn't date that many women - but it never occurred to me that I wouldn't get married and have kids - cuz that's what people do! I don't regret having done that either - I didn't do it intentionally, and I never meant to hurt my wife, but I sure did. I hurt her badly - and she'll have a hard time trusting another man enough to share her life with him as a result.

    My thoughts... take them for what they're worth! Good luck.
     
    #8 Jim1454, Jan 9, 2008
  9. IDKWhattodo

    IDKWhattodo
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My parents and grandparents are visiting me right now, and we all went out to dinner. Well, my grandmother decided to tell me in front of everyone how proud of me she is because I'm the only one who hasn't screwed up yet. It is a very big deal that she said that because she really never says things like that before. She is very Southern, religious, proper, etc. How in the hell do I bring news to my family after that?
     
    #9 IDKWhattodo, Jan 11, 2008
  10. Jim1454

    Jim1454
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    Well... being gay doesn't mean that you've "screwed up". If it does mean that to your family, then this is where you (and I) have to disagree with your family! It's natural to want to please your family and avoid upsetting them. But the reality is that you're quite likely gay. Nothing is going to change that.
     
    #10 Jim1454, Jan 14, 2008
  11. justme003

    justme003 Guest

    You and I are a lot alike. Im bi and have accepted that for along time. I have a girlfriend and live a completly staight looking life. I dont know man. It all comes down to what you want, deep down. I personally kinda want to come out, just to get it of my chest, but i dont. I know what you mean when you say they'll look at you different, even in the slightest ways. I dont want that. It shouldnt matter if someone is gay or straight. I dont care. Thats why i dont care to come out. I just dont think its anyones buisness haha. Who knows maybe someday i will. Its your life, do what you will.
    Wow that didnt help at all. lol but good luck
     
    #11 justme003, Jan 24, 2008
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