So I'm gay and I've been this way for forever. (I'm 14 almost 15 lol) and recently I came out to the most important people in my life (parents + 3 close friends) it felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders!! But recently my brain has basically telling me that my thoughts are wrong and convincing me that my thoughts are wrong when I know with all my heart they're not. Being here for a few weeks I've recently heard of Internalized Homophobia, and realized that's what I have. The reason I made this is because I need info on how to get rid of it because it's honestly making me feel slightly suicidal. The past few days I haven't been able to do anything but battle my brain...
Look I had the same thing as you. I came out a few months ago and was also suicidal. IT'S NOT WORTH IT. You never know what tomorrow holds. DO NOT ROB YOURSELF OF BEING HAPPY. I still struggle with it frequently, but I had the same problem as you as well. My brain said "it's just a phase" but my heart is TOTES GAY, Gayer than a unicorn shooting rainbow lasers out of its butt into a fountain full of kitty cats! Look you will find someone, you will be happy, But it is a struggle, you just have to hold on Travis. If you need to talk you can message me!
Being gay is not really about "right vs. wrong". It's just an orientation for the type of people you are attracted to. Homophobic cultural and religious taboos are what really makes being gay feel wrong. It's great that you've come out to your parents and close friends, and you should keep talking to them whenever you feel things are getting difficult because many times straight people will not realize what's happening. Also, try reading the many threads here of other people's stories. Remember to try and recognize when you're getting into a cycle of negativity, which often comes from fear of the unknown. If necessary, you could also talk to a LGBT-friendly therapist.
Hey Travisss, That's wonderful that you Came Out to your parents and 3 close friends. Since you didn't say otherwise, I presume they were all accepting. In terms of dealing with internalized homophobia, check out this Blog post by SiennaFire and see if it helps.
I know exactly what you're talking about. I came out to my mom in February, completely confident and immediately panicked a few days after. I have very little attraction to men, and only in an aesthetic way. No emotional or sexual attraction at all. But convinced myself that four years of gay feelings would suddenly go away after I came out. It's absolutely internalized homophobia that comes back every so often for me. I calmed down in May and came out to my dad, then went to pride last month completely confident and happy, and every so often I get into that bad mindset of internalized homophobia and it makes me lose my mind for a little bit before I'm completely happy and confident again. All I can say is I grew up with a very strict religious background and all I can think is years of repressing and guilt caught up to me and I'm still not over it. I know it'll take time and I hope things get better for you. It's awful, I know, I'm sorry you're going through this. (I'm 21)
