Internalised biphobia

Hi, I'm replying partially because no one else has and partially because I have no idea what you mean and would love to know.

The title of the thread implies that you are bisexual but beset by some form of discontent, yet across your post you somehow manage to identify specifically as queer, bisexual, gay, lesbian and pansexual without it being clear which one you mean. It cannot be all of them! You also seem to have some confusion as to what certain things mean. I will try to analyse:

• The word "queer", meaning "strange or odd" has crept into prominence of late, somewhat cynically in order to reclaim it from being a derogatory word. However, it doesn't really mean anything. It isn't strange or odd being non-heterosexual so I don't know why its used. If your family are not so accepting, I'd imagine using "queer" will make it worse.

• If you are bisexual, then you are simply bisexual, attracted to both men and women. There is no "straight side" or gay side; you are either bisexual or you are something else.

• You say you're bisexual, but the idea of being with men makes you uncomfortable. That is contradictory and suggests you are not bisexual.

• You're trying to get used to the term "gay", despite previously saying you are bi. "Gay" is not an umbrella term for all non-heterosexual sexualities; it means "same sex attraction".

• You say you'd prefer "gay" to "lesbian" because you wouldn't do the latter any justice, but actually they mean exactly the same thing.

• You say you'd prefer "gay" to lesbian" because you're attracted to trans people, but then that would not be appropriate either. It would either be Pansexual or Polysexual, depending on whether or not you were genuinely into men.

• Sexual fluidity and being Bisexual (or anything else) are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

On an unrelated note, two other points:

• If you live in Ireland, I don't see why your sexuality should be too affected by your family or their Nigerian culture.

• Marriage and commitment are not mutually exclusive terms. Also, many if not most LGBT people will at some point want or expect at least commitment if not marriage, the same as anyone heterosexual would.

Please clarify what you mean by your post. It sounds as though you are more confused than suffering from internal biphobia - unless you are jumping around all of the terms because you are afraid of the word "bisexual".

Please let us know.

 

I don't like the word bisexual either. I don't think I'm afraid of it, I just don't like it. It's a long word with the word sex in it. It's just that I can't find another word that means exactly the same thing or I would use that. Gay sounds way better in my opinion, it's short and used to mean happy but since I'm not gay, that's not an option for me.

I don't think you should feel bad because of "straight privilege", we may have straight privilege if we have an opposite sex partner but we also sometimes get biphobia from members of the LGBT community (thinking of a woman I know who lost all her lesbian friends because she came out as bisexual) so we all have our things to deal with.

 

That which you are describing (potential to fall in love with your gender and other genders including Trans) is technically Pansexuality, but some people use Bisexual because it is often easier and more recognised - and also the way I am and feel.

I don't think you should ever feel bad because of the idea of "privilege", you can only just be whoever you are, whilst respecting other people in the same way. You can't change those aspects of who you are, so it is pointless to feel a need to promote or be ashamed of whichever biological classification your fit into.

Either way, if you are Bisexual, you do not have straight privilege anyway. If you are in an opposite sex relationship you are still Bisexual. Your sexuality does not change, just your partner. As well, you will most likely inevitably see or receive some form of biphobia irrespective of who you are with or who you prefer, whether in the form of abuse from straight people, gay people, partners, people dismissing you as not existing, or partners who are furious that you are not one way or the other. So - don't feel bad about anything - just be yourself and go for whichever people you like.

The word "gay" is not representative of the whole community, despite what the media may have you believe. Often a lot of bisexual people feel very strongly and defensively about this as it is another example of bi-erasure, or the idea that everybody is just gay or straight and negative connotations with bisexuality.

The name of your sexuality (gay, lesbian, bisexual etc) refers to your natural sexual attraction - not to your sexual history or tendencies. So you can exclusively date women if you prefer, and still be bisexual rather than lesbian if your potential for attraction extends to multiple genders. It is, of course, socially and romantically easier to define yourself as one way or the other, and you would experience less difficulty in these areas - hence the people you hear of who say they are gay or straight depending who they are dating.

However, it depends how honest you are about being true to yourself and the defense of your sexuality. It would be a lot easier for me to say I am gay, for example, but it wouldn't be true and I feel I owe it to other erased bisexuals to raise the flag and lead the charge - which I suppose is how most people here feel about coming out generally.

If you are in the position where you are at risk of being kicked out (or your home? or family?) and isolated from your siblings, it is perfectly normal and fine to simply not come out to your parents a) at all, or b) not for a while. Increasingly we live in an age where there is a massive social and media pressure to come out to everyone as soon as possible - but it is not the case, especially when it would impact areas of your life negatively. You may choose instead to just come out to friends and natural allies for the time being - or to a select few, or not to anyone but who you date. It is completely up to you and what you are comfortable with.

Often in situations where there is family concern or intolerance, one of their biggest fears is for your own stability and how you are to succeed in life and be happy. It may be that once you are in a long term relationship with someone of whichever gender or sex, it will be more feasible for you to come out to a more accepting family, who can see and meet your partner and bring it down to a more human level for them.

If you have any other concerns or issues, please post!