So....I am kinda separated from my wife of 11 years for the past year.....various reasons, but the biggest has been my acknowledgement of sexual attraction to men, and the fact that it now seems greater and more prevalent than my attraction to women (certainly in my head). I have been with 4-5 women during this separation, and 1 man (he was my catalyst) on two occasions. I have found that I can fantasize about being with this guy, and it is easy and fairly intense for me to climax thinking of being with him. And I could do it like a couple of times a day on occasion. The intensity and ease scares me, especially because I’ve been in contact with this person sparingly, and only seen him 3 times in two years. I also really don’t look to talk to him, didn’t enjoy kissing him, and wanted him to leave immediately after I was with him. Internalized homophobia, I’m sure. I’ve had plenty of urges in my life with women, but these have been persistent and powerful, and I don’t know if it’s about this person, or more about me finally letting myself experience this side of my sexuality. I have met other gay or bi men over the past year and just don’t find myself thinking about them in the same way. Of course this complicates things with my wife and 2 kids, who I want to maintain a similar closeness with. Should I pursue these feelings and explore further?
Hi, I could never give you advice as to what to do with this man. I’m still married quite a bit longer than you were. Unlike you I haven’t been able to take that step and leave my unhappy marriage. My kids are grown now, but my wife has medical issues. So, I came out to myself and a few people (including the wife-not good), but haven’t really had freedom (or permission) to act on my mm feelings. Before I admitted that I was bi I did stray in my marriage both with women and men. Like you there was one guy that I had off and on fun with. I too wanted to part ways soon after we finished. I didn’t enjoy kissing him either. Flash forward 10 years and he’s put on a substantial amount of weight and just really doesn’t do anything for me from an attraction standpoint. That said there was another guy who was a bit older than me. We have had fun and that same “flee” feeling wasn’t there. We would lay naked next to each other and just talk, eventually fooling around again. The one time we kissed it was really hot (but I got strep throat afterwards), so that doesn’t make the memory of the experience very enjoyable. But, what did happen is a big question was raised from within as to whether or not I could be in a relationship with a guy. That question remains unanswered for me and probably will until I can come to some kind of resolution in my marriage. I’m a 2 on the Kinsey scale, so for me I do check out hot attractive ladies in public, but along with that burning question I wonder if I’ll ever see a guy and be like, “wow!” Ii wish you well and can only imagine how difficult it has been for you with your family and feelings. I’m happy to share more if it helps.
Thanks for sharing redwinerox....I often feel like I have fractured versions of myself....the self that needs the familiar closeness with my wife and kids, the self that wants the admiration and heat of my affair (with a female coworker), and the self that is acknowledging and accepting my really strong sexual fantasies about my male catalyst. Oh, and the self-hatred and homophobia that goes with that. It’s a process. I am fortunate enough financially to consider getting a townhouse in the same neighborhood that my kids could bike to. I’m just not sure what I can handle emotionally with that arrangement. Ugh. This sucks some days. Most days.
Hey For me, I have incredibly strong same sex desires and fantasies. But, with the exception of one guy, I've not been very satisfied with my male intimacy. Currently, I have a buddy I see every couple of weeks. A partnered gay guy who's partner is unable to provide what I can. The sex is very hot. We seem to know how to push each other's buttons. But, when it's over, time to go. But, I'm now finding that this isn't working for me. I fantasize about our next encounter yet I'm thinking I might quit him. I had a friend that I would climb and hike with. Camp together and sleep in each others arms. The sex was meh. Yet we chat almost daily even though he has moved away. It's not "love", but, a close friendship. I think that we, sometimes, think that we (men) can be more casual about sex than we really want. And, when we use the sex as the reason we are together it will not satisfy. I'm going to look for a situation like I have with my real friend. Because I know that's what I need. I wonder if that is what you need?
Thanks Nick. With all due respect, if you want a relationship with a friend who you really care about, talk every day, and live the sex with....isn’t that a loving relationship? And can you have that with more than one person? Doesn’t your wife get short shrift here? I only ask because I can’t just have sex with a guy. I’d need to know and feel comfortable with him, but then I feel that would really conflict my relationship with my wife. Maybe I’m not a polyamory guy. It’s just exhausting to consider all of these feelings and relationships.
Well. I feel that I'm capable of having all sorts of different relationships with different people and that can include intimacy. I also chat with a couple of straight friends almost daily and spend days on big wall climbs completely in each other's spaces. And, I would die to save these guys. I guess that's a form of love for sure. My FWB is a step further since we are intimate. He has another friend in Europe he climbs with and they are intimate. I think it's great he does that! No jealousy. My wife and I spend a LOT of time skiing, rock climbing, kitesurfing and camping. She knows I get turned on, some sort of primal testosterone rush, when I do these activities and, quite frankly, it doesn't work for her. She's happy I have an outlet. Back to the subject of intense fantasies. I fantasize about gay sex all the time. But, I'd much rather just have close friends that I get off bafter some activity. Just sex doesn't do it for me I've found out. In fact, I get sorta bored when I am with a guy. But, I'd fool around a little bit (Hand jobs etc) with just about any of my buddies if they were into it. My wife thinks I got stuck at 16 years old and can't move past it. I love the male body. It's awesome to experience it.
