1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Indirectly outed(mom issue)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ECMember, May 28, 2020.

  1. ECMember

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2015
    Messages:
    899
    Likes Received:
    18
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I'm not sure if this is the correct area to post this but this is a complicated issue. Anyway, my mom indirectly outed me/or found out I am not straight. Recently I had been in the ER a few times and inpatient psych unit due to a complication from Cymbalta(I was taking it for TMJ issue but it didn't work). I gave my mom access to my phone and wallet from my property at the psych unit hospital. I didn't know she was going to peep through my personal shit. She found my "hook up apps" and some personal emails I was sending to a guy I know and we had some NSFW texts here and there. I trusted my mom only to check if anyone from my job I am to start next week had called or left any emails in my Gmail or reach out to my old job that I had been furrloughed I worked with a Private Contractor that works with the Veterans Administration(google "VA United States").

    I called my mom from my psych unit on Thursday and she asked me about the apps and asked if I was gay or whatever. It pissed me off she asked me and it wasn't the place to talk about this.

    Then a day later, she had stunned me about asking me about some "Gymnastics wear" she found in my belongings and she got pissed off by that. I told her I was seeing an online therapist to address this stuff and she got mad and pissed off a bit about it. I've been addressing the "gymnastics wear" stuff through a therapist I've been seeing through an online therapy website that is LGBT affirming and addressing some issues I have with sexual fantasies-issues.

    When I got discharged for a few days she asked me about my sexuality and about the gymnastics stuff. I told her that I have felt sexually confused for a long time due to my dad's hypermasculinity, homophobia and just acting like it's the early 1970s due him being in the Marines during the later day Vietnam era(1970-73) and also my dad had been gropped by a gay teen guy when he worked in a bakery as a kid in the mid 60s. Plus my dad at times tells me "act like a fucking man...don't be a faggot.... don't be a bitch....don't be a cunt..."

    My mom assumed in her ignorance that I wanted to be a girl with the gymnastics stuff which is bullshit. I wore it or had fantasies over it due to me being curious of girls/girls gymnastics and wanted to experience/feel how a girl was or felt like I was having some mini sexual experience with a female or imagine control over a feminine object.

    My mom assumed that I would catch AIDS/disease by hooking up with guys which is false. I mean I never had penetrative sex with a guy or girl. Also I've felt that my mom seems fucking protective over me at times because even in the past when I mention about travel my mom would flip her shit a bit. Then again, my mom never really freaked out her shit about my other sisters' having sex with guys or whatever. I mean my eldest sister has been long term dating a dude that is a divorced guy with kids; and my other sister she's been married twice(her first husband was an abusive asshole) and she's somewhat athetist. But my mom she still has somewhat of a Catholic background but she has contradiction views at times
     
    ErickWolf, BiGemini87 and SkylarStar like this.
  2. BiGemini87

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    388
    Likes Received:
    241
    Location:
    Petawawa, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's definitely a breach of trust that she went through your personal emails like that. First and foremost, I'd call her out on that: Nothing on your phone is any of her business (I assume you're old enough to know not to meet up with strangers or are no longer a minor). Moreover, you can refuse to talk to her about these things--your sexual fantasies, orientation, etc. If you had been ready to tell her about it, you would have. She doesn't get to push that discussion on you before you're ready, just because she lacks the ethics to stay out of your personal messages.

    Your dad also sounds like a real piece of work. I get that he had a traumatic experience, but that doesn't excuse the way he treats you, nor his belief that all homosexuals are pedophiles.

    I'm not really sure what you're looking for here: commiseration, advice, or what-have-you. But I hope you're able to work through these issues with your family, and above all, that you're able to figure out your orientation and find peace in doing so. :slight_smile:
     
    rktonks and ErickWolf like this.
  3. ECMember

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2015
    Messages:
    899
    Likes Received:
    18
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all

    My mom assumed my "gymnastics wear" was connected to some desire of me being a woman/girl or me being a female in a gay relationship which is a lie. Since about the 2008 Olympics in China and slowly thereafter when the Olympics came on or when there was College Gymnastics on TV or if I saw a pic of girl gymnasts, I was just curious of the girls. I'm sure guy that are boyfriends of girl gymnasts have had similar fantasies. Like I've said to my online therapist, there is a difference between me buying gymnastics wear on my own money and having a healthy outlet to express myself than me going to a gymnastics club and stealing gymnastics wear in some creepy behavior. I'm mad that my threw out my gymnastics stuff. I estimate I paid 200-300 bucks from Ebay to be honest.

    I mean the talk about my sexuality it was brought up on 2016 when my parents found some old personal ad post replies on my Gmail and there was some pics grown men sent to me of their genitals exposed. I mean I wasn't seeking grown ass men to meet up to sleep with. I had posted a personal ad for friends near my age but these grown ass men were probably too ignorant to read basic English it seemed.

    My mom has somewhat of a contradictory view of things:

    *My mom isn't a complete 100% homophobe. She's not an over the top Evangelical. I've been around Evangelicals(that is another story for another thread and I will explain that) and know the Evangelical MO. My mom has met and talked with LGBTQ people in the outside world and stuff. But I guess my mom is somewhat of a "not in my back yard" mindset in terms of LGBTQ issues. Plus my mom was raised Catholic.

    * My mom is somewhat of a hypocrite in terms of sexuality with regards to my other sisters' romantic-sexual relationships. I mean my eldest sister has been dating a guy for 10 fucking years that has kids from a prior marriage. And my sister I'm sure has slept with this guy. I mean I don't have perverted incestous fantasies over that but I'm just stating the obvious of human nature. My other sister she had a first marriage to some abusive asshole she knew in hs then she divorced him later on. But she was dating another guy why she had been seperated from her 1st husband/but not legally divorced. My eldest sister is slightly conservative and slightly religious (she is 44) in terms of lgbtq issues but then again she has met and befriended lgbtq people in the past and worked with them. My other sister she's progressive(she's 36) and she's tolerant on issues and she's not religious/athetist.
     
  4. ECMember

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2015
    Messages:
    899
    Likes Received:
    18
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all

    I forgot to mention about my dad.

    My dad isn't 100% homophobic. Also he's not an over the top religious man. He's borderline athetist/borderline Christian at times. He doesn't attend church service every sunday but he may watch maybe Joel Osteen or John Haggee sermons or maybe a Billy Graham sermon.

    My dad is a 68 year old Hispanic man that was born in the early 1950s. Is my dad conservative? Well he does watch Fox News and likes country music and rock music and Latin music. I feel that my dad leans towards Liberterianism or center right. It's sort of complicated to describe my dad.

    Is my dad homophobic? Not really in some terms because my dad has known gay and lesbian people in the past. Was he friends with them? Uh I don't know.

    My dad never said that all gay people are peodphiles. He never stated that.
     
  5. BiGemini87

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    388
    Likes Received:
    241
    Location:
    Petawawa, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Your mom's seeming philosophy of "not in my backyard" seems to be a pretty popular one, sadly. A lot of people are tolerant when it's someone they don't know personally--or isn't their child. It was unethical for her to throw out something you paid for with your own money, while also assuming the worst about your reasons for owning the gear.

    Regardless of the fact that they aren't 100% homophobic, it sounds like they're both homophobic enough to make the situation of questioning your sexual orientation more difficult.

    Like I said before, I'm not really sure if you were looking for advice or to vent, but if you need to chat, my DMs are open. :slight_smile:
     
  6. ECMember

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2015
    Messages:
    899
    Likes Received:
    18
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    How can I manage hiding my "gymnastics wear" from my mom. I mean I don't want to get into much specifics on this because I don't want to get into trouble with the mods. It's just a thing I use an outlet and I've been seeing an online therapist for a while to address this

    I am pissed off that my mom went through my room and found it. I bought these out of my own money from working and I didn't steal it.
     
  7. Rin311

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2015
    Messages:
    258
    Likes Received:
    142
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm sorry your mother pushed you into having conversations you were not yet ready to have by not respecting your boundaries. Unfortunately, the only way to fix that issue - her going through your phone and your things - apart from moving out, is to talk to her about it and reach some agreement. I would definitely let her know that she lost your trust and how unprepared you felt to open up such personal issues with her. Take care.
     
  8. ECMember

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2015
    Messages:
    899
    Likes Received:
    18
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Well I know the "Gymnastics stuff" would flip her shit out if I mention it again or try to talk about it in some defensive way. I mean I don't know when to talk about it again with her. I mean there is a difference between me buying it on my own versus me stealing with somewhere. I get that.