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Indirect Dysphoria?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by neongummybears, Nov 18, 2014.

  1. neongummybears

    Regular Member

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    Hello,

    Recently, I have read of the phenomenon known as "indirect dysphoria". Now I've asked myself the question, "am I trans?". I do not rely on my likes and dislikes (because I do not believe they have much to do with gender) or, at this moment, too heavily on my thoughts and feelings (because of the placebo effect and all that fun stuff). So I am mainly relying on past events and feelings. It's difficult, because I'm not sure if my experiences are definitive evidence of anything and if they aren't then I do not know what to make of them, this is what I need help with.

    I was a pretty sheltered catholic kid growing up, I didn't go to public school and I didn't hang out with a lot of differently types of people. I don't remember having any problems hanging out with other girls, but I do remember trying very hard to fit in with the boys and even telling them I had a "pee pee". Because I knew I had a clitoris so I figured that was a type of "pee pee" (and I had no other word for it).

    Fast forward to the teenage years, I was still pretty sheltered and didn't hang out with many types of people beyond the church kids... what confuses me are my memories of crying alone over wanting to be a boy, and 'why couldn't I have been born a boy?' It happened more than once but it wasn't a nightly event.

    Fast forward to late teens/and present day early 20s (I am 22). I find myself sexually aroused by being referred to as a man (which I got to experience over a multiplier game). Which turned into achieving orgasm through text role play as man while finding role play as a women very boring. I find myself turned on by cross dressing (despite the fact that men have really boring cloths), imagining I have a penis and basically having sex as a man. I've always played "make-believe" and have always been the male character (with girls our barbie games and what not, I was prince charming).

    What is also making me explore these possibilities (I do not take this lightly) is a couple of years ago realizing that I "didn't feel like a women". I assumed it was because I was still living like a child at home, so I figured getting girly cloths would help (I was a major tom boy as a teen). Now I have a full closet of pink and pretty cloths and wearing them is fun, but I don't really feel any differently.

    Despite this, I do not feel the need to chop my boobs off. In fact, on several occasions as a teen I wished my boobs were bigger (these days I am very glad to be pretty flat chested, since they're nice and out of the way). I do not like my vagina, but I also don't feel like I need to be cored like an apple down there. I probably don't like it for practical reasons and the fact that, despite my efforts with different partners, I've never had really satisfying sex.

    Anyway, I thought maybe since I don't wanna slice up my body but there still seems to be some kind of... something, going on in my mind someone might be able to provide some insight into what might be going on. Is it a sexual fetish? This 'indirect dysphoria' thing?

    Thank you in advance for reading and replying!!

    ~Neon
     
  2. jay777

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  3. I am Kakashi

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    You can still be trans, or some sort of gender non-conforming or non-binary even without wanting to have surgery. :slight_smile: Some people choose to have neither, and never go on hormones either.

    I would, however, ask you use the correct terms. Top surgery (for breast augmentation/reduction/ removal) and bottom surgery (for labioplasty, metoidioplasty, phalloplasty, etc). "Chopping your boobs off", "being cored like an apple", and "slicing up your body" are extremely offensive and, imo, rude ways to refer to those things. Even if those procedures are not right for you, the people who chose to have them need to have them to overcome dysphoria, and to make it much easier to live their lives as the correct gender.
     
  4. IS92

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    Though this link is very informative, I just want to point out that it says down at the bottom that the individual recounting their specific symptoms was also diagnosed with depression after they transitioned. While depression can certainly follow dysphoria, and indirect dysphoria could certainly take the form of depression, it doesn't mean that every depressed person has dysphoria, and most of the symptoms the individual who wrote the article discusses are fairly textbook symptoms of depression.

    So while I don't want to discount the writer's personal experiences (which are actually eerily similar to my own) I don't believe this link is a good metaphorical ruler to judge dysphoria by.