I don't know really if this is the right place to post this or not. I just really need to put it in writing more so than anything right now, and I stumbled across this forum. I'm a gay male in my mid twenties. I'm an only child with no really close family other than my parents, who are currently in their mid fifties. I am not out to my family because they are intolerant of gay people and would never accept their only son being gay. I would be disowned so quickly it would make your head spin. I love my parents dearly, and they love me. They have helped me tremendously, and I couldn't function without them. From hearing things that they say, however, I know that they are completely homophobic and would not tolerate a gay son. I also happen to be in a profession where homosexuality is not accepted, and I would certainly lose my career. Add to all of this that I live in the Deep South. Get the picture? Coming out is not an option. Living a life with another man as my lover is out of the question. Ever. I have dated one girl. She is the one person who knows I'm gay. She is the best friend I could ever ask for, and I love her dearly for that. She also is still in love with me. A few months ago, she and I discussed the possibility of a life together and having a family, with her understanding that I am gay and that I will never feel for her what she feels with me. I also made it clear to her that I do not expect her to "waste" herself on me, and that she should go out and seek real love. Our friendship has continued, and somehow along the way I got caught up in the idea of a future with her, kids and all. We would casually discuss it. Tonight, she started dropping hints that she has changed her mind, and hinted that she wants to find a lover who desires her sexually. I do not at all blame her for this, as it is truly what I wanted from the beginning...for her to have the best life possible. However, I now feel very depressed. I let myself believe that there was a chance for happiness. I truly care for this girl, and I can see myself having a relationship with her, even though it would be extremely unconventional. She went as far as to say that no matter what happens I will still be an important part of her life and will not be alone. I know better...no husband is going to put up with his wife being that close to another man. I almost feel like any chance of happiness has been torn out from under me. There is no chance for a happy life. I will certainly die alone. My parents will die and I will be alone. I am to the point of contemplating suicide...not now, but at some point. I just don't think I can deal with being truly alone. I know I sound like a rambling child, but I can't help it. I have to live with a wall up at all times to hide who I really am. It is a burden that I really am tired of carrying. I'm just tired. I know I'm not the only one in this situation. There have to be others. Any words of encouragement are appreciated.
You are not alone. I am feeling that deep pain of loneliness myself at the moment. Empty closets is a great outlet to share those emotions and try to make sense of them. Do you have any friends or acquaintances who you know are gay-friendly? One of the things that has helped me be less anxious about eventually coming out is making a list of people who are likely to support me when I come out. Once I started digging, I found over 100 people in my network who I know will support me. (People who went red on Facebook for marriage equality the last few months.) I even know of at least one friend (and his wife and daughters) who would happily give me a place to stay if I needed time to sort myself out once I came out. I think seeking counseling would be a really good idea for you to help you sort through your emotions. Even if you are tight on money, many of them work on a sliding scale if you can't afford it. Big hugs! (*hug*)(*hug*)
Work towards the future man. I've been in some dark places in my life where this doesn't seem workable.. I'm still in a fairly messed up situation really... I don't know anyone either. Also an only child. same pressure. One thing that is true is that you can't predict the future. Tomorrow everything could change will ALWAYS be a true statement. That said, you can't predict the future, but you can push yourself in a certain direction. You won't get anywhere without pushing! From what I've seen of that part of the US you live in, I would leave ASAP. Try and find another job in another city.
Is it possible for you to move to a gay-friendly city? If not, can you start on a 2-year plan to move away? I think forcing yourself to be heterosexual is a long path to unhappiness. You are still young. It's not 1950's anymore. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a hot man in your life that worships the ground you walk on. While it's not a good idea to come out right now, given your current situation, I strongly recommend creating a near-future plan to achieve happiness such as moving to a gay-friendly city and working on accepting your homosexuality
Thank you, SimpleMan. I just don't know if I can continue to go on. I feel like I get up every morning and put on my "suit of armor" to take on the world. I'm tired of carrying it. I am financially independent for the most part. My parents help some, but I pretty much do everything myself. I have my own house that I am paying for and I have a good job. Coming out would end the job for sure, so that is not an option. Thank you again. It just helps to know I'm not alone. ---------- Post added 29th Jun 2013 at 08:28 PM ---------- srslywtf, Thanks for the encouraging words. Finding another job in another city really isn't doable right now. I have too many ties. Viridian, as I said, I really can't afford to move right now. It may have to happen in time. Thank you both for the words of encouragement. Again, it helps just to know I'm not alone!
Being a unicorn is a gift and burden that we have to bear on our shoulders. Sometimes it gets too intense and it's okay to crumble from time to time. You have a lovely friend who will be there for you. Lean on her when your world gets unbearable. Then pick yourself up and smile, for it will be a new day to achieve the happiness you deserve. Start making a 2-year plan on accomplishing the goals you want to do! My friend once told me to never sacrifice your own happiness to please others. Since I come from a traditional Asian background, it's extremely hard to do. But slowly I'm starting to put my own happiness first. Be a bit selfish because we all deserve to be happy!
Viridian, I think we are very much alike. You mention coming from a traditional Asian background where making yourself happy is difficult. Being raised as a traditional, southern-bred country boy is about the same thing. We all grow up, graduate high school (if we're lucky) then go to college, go to work, and/or get married and have kids. That's what you are expected to do. If you are 25 years old and are not at least married, you are labeled as being "different."
It's tough to put yourself first. But I think it will give you peace when you decide to put your own happiness first before your family's. Start on your plan; I've recently started on mine.
I think you are wise to be wary of your best girl friend's proposal, she means well but she can't guarantee that her future husband will be tolerant. If you are contemplating moving, I would maybe look into organizations that help disowned lgbt youth find resources to live; maybe they can help adults too. It would be lonely to move and leave your homophobic area behind, but in any big liberal city and even small ones there are TONS of social opportunities to meet more lgbt people who would support you. Anyways I hope you find a solution that alleviates the loneliness, and in the meanwhile we are here for you.
