I am a 23-year-old girl, almost 24. All my life there has been something in me that was not right, or I did not feel well. Since I was a girl I've always been different from the rest, or different from what I was supposed to be. I've had female friends, but I've always got along better with men. Although like every girl I have had millions of dolls, they have never been anything crazy, I had them because my parents bought them and I played with them. However, when I was a little older, I preferred a race car track. I know that toys do not determine someone's gender or sexuality, but I feel that there has been a sign that it was different. Later, with a little more age, I started to enjoy more masculine sports, soccer, rugby ... Although my parents never took me to do any of this activity, I always played with my cousins. Even, what is clothes, I've always been quite masculine. I felt more comfortable, more me. The years passed and those things were left behind. During adolescence I did my best to fit, to be more feminine, to be like my friends ... I never liked makeup and having to fix myself, so I never fit at all in the group of girls ... But I guess I learned to live with me and with my body. I was never completely satisfied with what was and what I had. I hate going to the beach because I do not like to expose myself. And when I go to a pool, I usually get into clothes. I do not feel so bad with my genitals, but I imagined what it would be like to have a penis... What I most hate is menstruation. The world stops for me every time those damn dates of the month arrive. I never want to go out on the streets, because I'm ashamed. What do I want to say when writing all this? I do not know. I need help to find out who I really am or who I'm supposed to be ... My family is quite open, but they're not the ones talking about this kind of thing, so after investigating on my own, I've discovered that there's the possibility of to be a transgender and I've been thinking for some time that maybe I am. But as I am not sure at all, I do not know what to do, I do not know who to talk about this, my doubts. I have a memory of when I was a child, once I went to the bathroom and I questioned why I did not have a penis ... That turns me around in my head and does not leave me alone. I feel that I am wrong, that it should be otherwise. Even, all this, all this issue of resolving my identity, has affected me in a very strong way ... It has led me to a depression and to self injure myself. I need help urgently.
Firstly, be brave and secondly there is nothing wrong with you. You're journey sounds much the same as mine. It's scary, I know. But, does it make you happy this idea of being trans? Mull that over in your mind and once the secret enjoyment starts to grow, then try transitioning. Do what feels absolutely natural, don't rush. This is most important. The comfortability, the certainty, comes last after you do all the transitioning. You'd think that ease would come natural, but it's the environment around transgender people that causes that uncomfortable feeling, not our true selves within. Trust yourself fully. Think of it as being blindfolded and taken to an unfamiliar place. It's exciting and new, but you don't know what you'll find there yet. If, it helps you sound trans to me. But, the only affirmation you truly need is comfortability and joy, to confirm that. Wishing you luck on your journey~
