I'm totally gay, but still in denial

I have a suggestion
Don't label yourself until you have had a few one on one sexual experiences.
In this the modern world we are awash in immediate access porn and more accepting if not out and outright pro gay society.
It is easy for younger people to become a bit misled and overwhelmingly confused about their true sexual orientation and even gender identification as much of society today appears to be impersonal and media driven.
One of my friends summed up the human sexuality questioning stage pretty well by saying "Until you've had a couple or three buns in your oven you will never know if you actually like the smell."

 

Hey!

Okay, so a lot of us have been in this place and are still in this place sometimes!

What you need to focus on is indeed on what you want, rather than what you will know. We can never know what'll happen to us tomorrow. We don't know if we will die tomorrow or not, we just don't. But most of the time we know what we want and that is what we have to focus on.

Still the hesitation is normal, sometimes you are in places that you do not know what you want, or you just don't want anything at all. This does not make you automatically attracted to guys/making you straight.

''I worry that I am subconsciously hoping'' If you really want to end up with a guy, you don't worry about that. If you really want something, there is no dread. And even if you think you are attracted to guys/are in love with one, you dont neccisarily have to act on it!

I have to disagree with the JaimeGaye though, you can label yourself as gay even if you don't have sexual experiences. You don't have to have sexual experiences to know what you want (this goes for yourself, your identity label for yourself). What I do agree with is that I think that JaimeGaye is trying to protect you from the outside world and it's reaction. If you don't have sexual experiences and are not fully sure, people will try to challenge you with the same old ''but how can you know for sure'' and send you back to questioning. (The reaction of the outside world can be very heavy, especially when it comes from interpersonal relationships. It takes an emotional toll)

I also disagree with the fact that this is a pro-gay society,( I can give a whole lecture on why it is not)

What is more is that Sexual experiences are not be seen as an emotionally distant activity, it is very different than tasting a new kind of food. You are vulnerable and I would not encourage you to have sex just for the sake of knowing.

If you do choose to try something out (im not going to stop you lol) with the opposite gender, you'll be met with the other same old saying ''but if you have had sex with a guy you are not really gay, you must have wanted it somewhere otherwhise you would not do it.... etc'' which can have the effect of making you question again.

On the other hand experiences can also make you indeed more stable in your self-knowledge. (it is different for each person, but really the only thing you have to know is don't force yourself because it ain't gonna help you)

As for myself, I have come out to myself, even though I still have issues with it. However I've never explicitly told anyone ''I am a lesbian'', but have talked about past feelings for girls (something that I am sure of).

 

I think people and sexuality are complicated and humanity is still trying to understand it. Moreover, women's sexuality is interestingly less black and white than male sexuality. I think few people experience 100% gay attraction, so the chances of having 100% certainty is rare. Even if you are 200% gay, there may be things, even one thing in the distant past, that casts doubt. Whether it's denial or just anxiety, there will always be room for doubt. Not just in sexuality, but in all areas of life. I think though, we can get to the point where we know "enough" to become confident and comfortable.

In my experience with sexuality and denial, I got to a point where there was enough evidence that I found women attractive I could no longer reasonably call myself straight or asexual. I didn't know 100% what I wanted, I didn't even want sex at that point, but I simply accepted the facts I did know about myself. Acceptance is oddly a turning point in getting more clarity and openess. In time I gained more certainty and now identify as bisexual. I didn't need sexual experience to get to that point either. So much of this is just about acceptance, sorting out hang-ups, and observing your feelings in a non judgemental way.

My attraction towards women is greater which lends me to doubt at times, so there's still a small chance I'm a lesbian. However, I'm quite confident enough to say I feel sexual attraction to both sexes on a regular basis.

For me, this label best fits now. With time or insight It may change and that's okay. I don't worry it anymore and simply live one day at a time.

 

But is it though? This is no personal attack by any means haha. I am genuinly curious if it is that way.
I ask myself this often.

In my experience, people have often told me that ''women's sexuality is fluid'' because it was ''scientifically proven'' and therefore disregarded my sexuality (gay). We have to look critically at such statements, and what and how it was exactly ''proven''. Often scientific experiments or statements are still ingrained with biases (we see what we want to see). So if someone completely ignores my experiences as a gay woman because of ''science'', it kind of, uhm, how u say, annoys me? In my more vulnerable years it sometimes completely threw me off. I thought I had to be sexually fluid, because that was what ''proven'' right. However, when I came to a better understanding of my sexuality (talking about sexuality with bisexual and lesbian women and then comparing it to my own) I came to see that women's sexuality can be fairly rigid (as heard from other women, be it straight or lesbian).

I don't know how it is for other people, but in my experience (talking to friends (both men and women)) women's as well as men's sexuality can be fluid or be very rigid.

(another interesting question would be: should we see sexuality as a spectrum? or as separate identities (like, uh, a star constellation)?)

 

"Scientifically proven"? Heh, if you want proof, you better stick to math. Loppox is right, people have a way of brandishing "facts" (is evolutionary psychology really scientific?) and even honestly-undertaken research has its biases and preconceptions. Me, I'm a bonobo wannabe.

Wow, a constellation? You just opened my eyes to a whole new analogy. TIL.

 

Don't think I said anything about being fluid or rigid. I apologize if it sounded like that. I didn't elaborate because of time. I've done a lot of reading and research on sexuality for women and how, why, and when arousal works in women and it appears to be different from the majority of men. Again, not all men nor all women. Arousal isn't orientation but is still apart of our sexuality and thus can add to confusion. Moreover, sexuality is generally seen as apart of a spectrum, with some people at the extreme ends but some inbetween at different points. I've seen in suggested that women tend to be more likely to indentify as bi, but I'm not sure the percentiles. These things are mainly what I was referring to, that sexuality is complex and isn't always so black and white. We don't always fit so nicely in labels. I certainty don't fit into a label and feel spectrums better express the nuance reality of sexuality in varied indivuals. Not perfectly, but better than broad labels.

The studies I've read also weren't trying to disregard lesbians or bisexual women. Some even point out the pitiful amount of research of female sexuality especially in the gay community and some did thier best to acknowledge lesbian/bisexual women. I personally want to see more and better research on sexuality for women.

I'm sorry you felt you had to fit into a mold that you weren't meant for. I think many of us have experienced that.

 

Haha np, np. I don't feel offended or anything , I mean like you say we have still a lot to learn about sexuality. (That is if we want to)

It sounded a bit like fluid or rigid because of your mentioning of black and white/gray sexuality. So if you did not mean fluidity or rigidness, I am curious by what you mean ''gray sexuality'' and ''black and white sexuality''.

As for spectrums n all that, I am going to make a new thread ( it is an interesting topic) as to not diverge on the main topic here, which is gaylor's personal hesitation haha.

 

I did not say "gray sexuality" at all nor did I say sexuality IS black and white or use the term "black and white sexuality". I said "less black and white" to simply mean "less clear" and only to suggest sexuality is "complicated". I am not suggesting that every woman is fluid or men are not. "Less" is also relative.

Again I'm sorry if others have tried to force some restricted lines for sexuality, that is not my perspective here. I am not those people.

 

Ooohh yeah, sht sorry. I misread that. Im sorry for the misinterpretation

woops.