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Im tired

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by charter, Apr 14, 2019 at 10:48 PM.

  1. charter

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    yea it’s been a little more than ten years since I’ve noticed that I was different. It’s been about 5 since I’ve come to terms with myself. It’s been torture the last few years because I have yet to come out to my family. It pains me every time that someone in the family asks when will I get a girlfriend or someone close to me makes some sort of implication about me. I’m tired of going through online dating websites under a fake name and no profile, paranoid that I would be discovered if I disclosed anything about myself. Im tired of having the burden of being the only guy in my family to carry on the family name, thus expected to find a woman and fit the mold set upon me. What should I do? What can I do? I’m just, really tired
     
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  2. Contented

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    You need to be who you really are. Coming out is hard but living a lie and being unhappy for a lifetime is worse. The only obligation you have is to yourself. The liberation you feel incoming out is incredible. Freedom from exposure, free from guilt and shame, free to live gay is worth the price of coming out.
     
  3. smurf

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    I can't tell you what you should do.

    But I can tell you that carrying all that pain is a lot of fucking work . I can tell you that while coming out is painful and scary, its worth being able to finally breath and lead a life that you want to live.

    If you decide to come out, know that you don't have to start with your family. You can start with one good friend and see how it goes. You don't have to burst out and tell everyone if you don't want. The decision isn't "stay sad in the closet forever" or "tell every single person and face everything all at once". That's a scary ass option.

    Start with a friend that you know will be fairly supportive and take it from there. We will be here for whatever decision you go with :slight_smile:
     
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  4. quebec

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    charter.....Hello and a very big welcome to empty closets! There are so many of us here on EC (and everywhere else) who have felt or do feel just as you do. I think of it as feeling "trapped"...unable to make any progress while also being unable to continue with the status quo. That is a very bad place to be. I endured that dark place for 40+ years which resulted in shame, guilt, self-hate, and depression. That depression eventually pushed me very close to taking my own life. I felt so completely trapped...unable to endure my fake life any longer while feeling like there would never be a way to come out without totally destroying everything that I loved. That was a LIE...but I had come to believe it. The wonderful people here on empty closets helped me through that terrible time and I hope that we can do it again for you...so here goes some suggestions/ideas.
    1) You are more important than your family. That's a hard one as most of us grow up with our family being the source of identification of who we are. Living your life to fulfill the desires and expectations of your parents/family members can be very destructive. If what your parents see as your future aligns with your desires for your future, then it's not much of an issue. However, much of the time what they want and what you want are not the same. They have lived/are living their life...you need to live your own. All three of my sons have taken paths in adulthood different from each other and very different than I expected of them. I don't care...I love and respect them for who they are...period. If your parents/family rejects you because of how you choose to live your life, if they will not accept the choices that you have made...remember...it's your life, not theirs and it's their loss.
    2) As you've already said, hiding who you really are is exhausting. Monitoring everything you say, everyone you look at, how you dress and how you express yourself constantly is mentally and emotionally destructive. And it gets worse as time goes by. It's a way to live that constantly tears you down, bit by bit until as you say "I'm just really tired". Trying to "fit in" to a way of living that is expected of you rather than being who you really are is very self-destructive. We have seen that over and over in our LGBTQ Family. It's one of the primary causes of the high levels of suicide that exist in the LGBTQ Family. Somehow you need to break the cycle that keeps you in the closet leading a false life that can only cause you more pain as time goes by. It's a hard truth...but your exhaustion will not ever go away until you start to actually be who you really are.
    3) It's not easy to overcome fear...but it has to be done. Fear of what everyone will think of you, fear of how they will react if they ever found out the "truth" keeps so many of us in the closet. It certainly kept me there for a long time. The longer you wait to be your true self, the greater the fear becomes. Fear (in this context) is always destructive. It tears you apart piece by piece over the years until all that is left is the fear itself. It's a very high wall to climb to get over the fear...but it can be done and you can do it. Most of the time we need help to overcome the fear. There's nothing wrong with that at all. When we get sick, we don't feel embarrassed to go to a doctor for help, why should we feel embarrassed to ask for help in coming out...in becoming our true self? Mostly, for guys, it's due to society's expectation of the "macho" man who can handle all his problems with ease, or who we actually expect to have no problems at all as he is in total control of his life. THAT.PERSON.DOES.NOT.EXIST.
    4)
    OK...how to get help. You've already started down that path by posting here on empty closets. Congrats!...you've begun the journey! I started pretty much the same way by coming out here on EC in December 2014. The support and kind words that I received here helped me slowly overcome that terrible fear and the trapped feeling that I had lived with for so long. It took time. About a year after coming out here I was able to very low-key tell my wife that I had a need to talk to a counselor/therapist about the things that were causing me a lot of pain. By that time she knew I was having some real difficulty and had been unable to talk to her about it. I am very well known in the town that I live in and I told her that I needed to talk to someone who did not live here, who would not know me at all. At that point, she only knew that my retirement and health were big problems. She had no idea at all that I was actually gay...and we had been married for 37 years at that time. I had hidden the true me so well that literally no one else knew and it was killing me. I did some research and found a therapist 150 miles away who specialized in working with the LGBTQ Family and who was openly gay himself. The first time I met him it took me almost an hour to say three words "I am gay". It was so very difficult to say those words...even knowing that he was himself gay and that he could not legally tell anyone what we had talked about. The fear was very difficult to overcome. His kind words and understanding attitude made it possible. When I said those words 40+ years of guilt, shame and self-hate just flooded out in a waterfall of tears and sobs. No...I didn't become the "real me" in that instant but saying those three words did unlock the door that I was able to slowly walk through over the next few years. I could not have done it by myself. It took the help of empty closets for a full year as well as an incredible therapist to support me as I took those baby steps. So obviously, I think that you need to find a counselor/therapist who can help you through the process of accepting yourself and allowing the real you to come out of hiding. Take some time and do some research. Finding the right person to talk to is important. If you have any kind of LGBTQ Center near you, they may have a list of therapists who have been helpful...they may even have someone on staff that you could talk to. I can't emphasize enough how important it is to find someone to talk to who has the training to guide you through the first part of this difficult time. I still talk to my therapist pretty much every week. His help, guidance, and support have been huge to me as I have accepted that I am and always have been gay.
    5) The Letter I often encourage people who want to come out and are having a rough time with it (is it easy for anybody?) to write a letter to those they want to come out to. Some times the letter can be given to the other person while they are all present and sometimes the letter can be left for the other person to find by themselves. And...sometimes the letter is never given to anyone. The letter can help you organize what you want to say. You can edit it several times until you have included what is important and eliminated what is not. Just writing the letter will help you prepare. Coming out, in the beginning, is always a difficult thing to do. Preparing for it in advance will help a lot to reduce tension and give you more confidence.
    6) The Questions Everyone has questions when someone comes out to them. They may not ask right away, but the questions will be there. If you can take some time and think about what questions you may be asked, you will be ahead of the game. Write down the questions that you think you will be asked, then take some time to think through answers. Being prepared in this way will go a long way towards convincing the other person that you are serious and that you have taken the time to think through this...that it's not just an emotional experience.

    OK...I have rambled on for long enough! I so hope that anything I've said here will be helpful. Please keep us updated on how things are going for you. Remember you are part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  5. Katrina78

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    My dam finally broke last week everything boiled over, I snapped at work so went to med centre and unloaded, first time I said I was gay out loud. I was disappointed in myself, I didn't just completely come ou to him as trans. He signed me off for a week to start with for depression, stress anxiety and possible PTSD.
    I have always been that one person in the family that questions were always asked about, when you going to find a nice girl etc. I'm getting to the point I can't hide it anymore so tomorrow I'm going to unload completely to the doc.
    I told my sister last week, she didn't run a mile which is a start now for the harder task to tell my parents which I'm working up too, then onto the final step of walking out the door as myself.
    Sorry for unloading but my point is, although it was hard to make the first step, the good comes from the the subsequent small steps forward.

    Rooting for you,
    love,

    Katrina