For months I've been dealing with this and I just want it to end. I've denied and lied to myself about it and it's eating away at me. I'm gay (Or at least extremely sure) Long story short I've yet to come to terms with this and whenever I'm asked what my sexual orientation is I avoid the question and lie. I want to be truthful and tell my friends but I don't want to be labeled as the "gay friend" as silly as that sounds. Now I know that this probably won't happen but at the same time my friend group at school is full of straight people and it would be alienating for me. As for my online friend group I'm sure that they won't care either, heck one of our friends is gay (they're a girl) but other than that everyone else is straight. Part of me wants to just get it off my chest and tell my online friend group, (not the one at school because of other reasons) but I can't something's stopping me from doing it even though there won't be any consequence for doing so. There's another friend that I have at school that has told me that he's gay and I thought about telling him, but the thing is we aren't that close and haven't talked for a long time. I don't want to dump something as heavy as this on him. All in all I want to say something to someone but I can't, part of feels like I can just dodge all questions that pertain being gay, but I know that will just trap me in a corner with no way out except the way I came.
It's so cliche, but it actually does get better. A year ago I would have never have imagined I would be where I am now. No idea how old you are, if you live at home etc, which makes it hard to give a good answer. You're right, it probably won't. Aside from a few online friends and my bf, all my friends are straight. Even my brother, who I have a meh-but-improving-relationship with doesn't really blink an eye when I bring up gay things and makes an effort to be inclusive. I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings at all. But every LGBT person can relate to coming out, especially those first few coming outs. It may seem really heavy, but every gay person can relate, and they most likely wouldn't mind. If some person texted me wanting to talk about it, I might be surprised that they chose me, but I wouldn't be bothered by it. To me, that's one of the advantages of coming out - to hopefully change a few straight people's ideas of what it means to be gay and to serve as a source of inspiration to closeted people. I don't know why, but I found it the same way. You can be 100% sure somebody will be okay with you being gay, but you just can't come out to them. The first few times are always scary, no matter what. The more you come out, the easier it gets. Coming out makes you feel like its more....real, which is also scary. My 2 cents: *Come out to somebody you KNOW will be okay with it (perhaps your online friend that is gay?). Talk to them about it, and don't let yourself pretend it never happened. You know something I've noticed? I've been scared shitless to make every change in my life that has ultimately made me happier. So do ittttt. *Depending on your school or parents. maybe look into getting a therapist. It really helped me with my coming out journey. There's a bit of a judgement factor involved, but why does anybody really need to know? I know several people who have gone to therapy, and for a variety of reasons (I've never asked, they're volunteered the info over the course of our friendship). Also: People feel like coming out by texting, fb, letters etc are too impersonal. But whatever way helps you come out the first few times, is a good way.
Right, my bad. I wrote this late at night and was just venting, but to answer your questions, I'm 15 and live at home. Anyway, thanks, I appreciate the answer, it's cleared my head a bit. Recently I've been trying to muster the courage to say something to online friends but there's that mental handcuff that's stopping me, but I'm trying to get over that. As for the therapy I probably won't be able to access that as I don't intend on saying anything about this to my family because of their opinions on gay people. As for telling that friend at school, I think I'll bide my time and try to talk to him more, which shouldn't be too hard because we have a class together. Anyway, thank you again.
